Vegas lights

What can I say about Vegas. It is a city of sparkling lights and constant music. It is a city that is always awake and always aware of the people who inhabit it's casinos and nightclubs. It is a city where people go to have fun. It is a city of denial and desperation.

From the moment i stepped onto the strip i knew what i felt. I felt potential. It was the potential of something that does not exist. It was every get rich quick scheme in the world within 5 miles of itself.

I loved it.

I knew i wasn't there to make any money. I was there to have fun. Making money was a side project. I'm amazed i made it out alive. This place is a living breathing contradiction. It says "have fun, don't worry about money" and within the same breath is whipering "You need just a little more for this next roll of the dice."

So without all the philosophy of Vegas I did have a very good time. It is amazing how debauchery promotes clarity. We went to casinos until 5 in the morning, we went to bars and got drunk and met beautiful women. We went to strip clubs and watched some of the most stunning women in the world tease us with something we were not allowed to have. (Though according to one cab driver, some of them would allow anything for a price.) We had fun, we spent money, we ignored any responsibility except self-fulfillment. I understand the draw of Vegas. I hate it because i want it to be "all the time".

In the end of it all, the gambling and the women and the drinking were not what i loved about Vegas. I loved that Vegas didn't care about my problems. I loved that I could be zen without being solitary.

I have never felt as much clarity as that morning when i left the condo alone and went to the Bellagio. I played craps with a table-full of people, some of whom i recognized from the night before. I laughed and groaned and somehow also thought about all my problems, all the things i was worried about in my life, in the reality that existed in CT.

Nothing is over. Nothing is solved. I don't have any money. I have less since Vegas. I have so many things to get in order. But I do have one thing i didn't a week ago.

I have hope.

Somnus

Means sleep. Which is exactly what i need. It felt like it took forever to come home last night from Vegas. I left LAS at 1:30 in the morning this morning after having been going since 9AM when we checked out. I was already tired and pretty broke but i'd had a great time. I'll fill you in on all the fun events when my eyes aren't half closed. I will say this though, It's amazing what perspective debauchery can help you realize.

Happy birthday to me.

This will be my last post until i return. Unless, of course, the place i'm staying has internet access. (considering the place, it might.) I'm not sure what to expect. The thoughts careening through my conscious are all of preparation and timing. But i know that, lying dormant in my subconscious is the problem at hand and those decisions still unmade.

I hope to all the stars in the sky that this trip helps me to come to terms with so many things, but especially with myself, and my life. I'm frightened of the decisions i may make but i'm more frightened of not making a decision and letting the forces that be decide my own fate for me.

Call this a last, desparate attempt to put this mass of days lumped together by sleeplessness and responsibility into some sort of order and meaning. Chaos is definitely a spectator sport.

So that's my plan. Channel all the chaos out of my life and into the craps tables, bars, attractions, shows, lights, booze and poker rooms of Las Vegas.

Here's hoping Destiny likes my plan.

Vacation...or something like it.

It's almost time. Thank God. I'm packing as we speak, (well as you read anyway) and I'm looking forward to be anywhere but here.

I had a rude awakening last night at around 2 in the morning. Aside from the Sox winning their game (could that have taken any longer?). I also remembered what a bastard Destiny can be sometimes. That's a longer story than i'd like to get into. I wish i didn't feel the way i feel or all of this would be so much easier. Instead i hurt.

Aside from the events of my sleepless night, I had to get up this morning and get my printer working (not set up since i moved). What a pain in the ass printers can be sometimes. But it's working now and i'm printing my trip itinerary.

Please let me go away!! Someday when i'm rich i'm going to found a town on an island somewhere called "Away". And people will have to apply to live there like that Disney neighborhood for the well-groomed elite. But mine will be filled with Artists and romantics and people who need to be "away" more than once a year.

I may post from my destination, but in case I don't. adios, adieu and goodbye. I'll let you know how "away" treats me, in as much detail as allowed by law, soon.

Money? What Money?

Money money everywhere and not a drop to....drink? No spend is more appropriate. I went clothes shopping today because of the Vegas trip. I found some things that I like on myself and bought some shoes as well. It's actually pretty revolting how much most of the stuff costs. I mean, i understand it has to be made and marked up and marked up again and blah blah blah...but come on!!

I also talked to a friend of mine in California today who, sadly, related to me that my geography sucks and it's approximately six hours from San Francisco to Las Vegas. Oh well, i was hoping she could come visit but it's not as short a trip as I thought. And yes, my geography does suck.

All in all, it's been a most active day and I still have more to do. The game is on tonight at 7:30 (if i have to specify which game, stop reading and go directly to mlb.com, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.) and a friend of mine is coming to visit and watch with me. Good times. Beer times. Distractions from my other wise depressing existence of the past months.

Just pray they win.

Rain

It's raining. Not just outside. It's 2:05 in the morning, and it's raining. I feel like the mundane has invaded. I feel like the things in life that are the most important to me have become wishes, things i think about in the moments before i sink into fitful and too-short sleep.

I'm going to Vegas. It seems random. Yet, in light of the current events in my life, it also seems completely necessary. I need a vacation. Not from my job(s) or from any one specific thing. I need a vacation from myself. This self that had, up until recently, embraced the mundane as if it were all that he had to live for now.

I suppose, at this time of night, I shouldn't be writing. Then again, maybe this is the best time for me to do this. Perhaps we'll try doing this late in the evening, after the world has left me alone to my own devices.

For the first time in a while, i have something to look forward too that doesn't involve what my computer downloaded that day while I was at work. I'm excited, but i'm also scared. I'm scared that when i do look at myself from the outside, as a spectator, i'm going to see what I am and see what decisions i should be making. I'm scared of those decisions.

So it's time to attempt to sleep. I have so many things to do before i'm ready to go on this random trip. So many things, and none of them are bothering me. Am I mentally prepared for the results of this "sabbatical"? I'll let you know on the 23rd.

Another new beginning

It's time to start again. This is another attempt to actually catalog
some of my life and my feelings somewhere out there for people to see
and react to. Now, whether i'm going to be any better this time around
than i have been in the past is beyond me. But I will try. This is
also a test to see if I can send this through my email without having
to go into the website to actually write something. We shall see.