Here With Me

"Here With Me"

All this time I’ve been sitting here, trying to think of the words I could say
The chords I could play
And instead all these thoughts of you, flying around, keep getting in the way
Of these words I could say

All this history gathered here, stacked up like building blocks, are all I could see
Somehow you found me
Like lovers in Marquez books, waiting for all the looks you keep giving
Life seems worth living

‘Cause I keep thinking that maybe this might be the last time
I’ll ever try to write a love song
‘Cause I keep seeing that maybe this might be the best time
Of my life, now that you’re here with me

In darkness, your lips on mine, keep stopping the hands of time, my heart beats so fast
This feeling will last
In morning your sleeping there beside me and beautiful, I’ll love you today
More than yesterday

‘Cause I keep thinking that maybe this might be the last time
I’ll ever try to write a love song
‘Cause I keep seeing that maybe this might be the best time
Of my life, now that you’re here with me

Quiet Entrance

I walked outside today and immediately felt a familiar sense. I smelled a familiar smell. It was Autumn making it's quiet entrance. Sometimes it bangs in loudly, rattling the dishes and stirring the baby from it's sleeping. This year, it's entrance has been quiet, softly stepping through the house, trying not to let us know it's here. Still I felt that sense today, of summer's inevitable end.

Then, as I arrived at work, a series of thoughts brought me back from my day dreams of my new relationship. Thoughts about my life now, and it's complexity and it's transition. I want things to be smooth, to flow as they should so nothing bumps more than it has or has to. I don't know that it will work that way, or easily.

So I thought i'd take a moment here to mourn the passing of my favorite season. The season of outsides and life and movement and sunshine. As we enter autumn and then winter and into those places where we need to shed our own light because the light of the world is dim for the moment. In this place where the sandals are packed and the beach ball is deflated, I languish in thoughts of next summer.

Beginning

We've only just begun. It's what I keep telling her. It's what I've been saying to her as we begin this, dare I say, relationship. The look in her eyes is matched, only, by my own. I keep thinking. That's the problem, really, is that my brain is on overdrive with all the new experiences in my life hitting me all at once. I am cheesy. She loves it. I am a geek. She loves it. I am writing about her here, now, not because it's safe, but because I want to express it. I want to say I'm Happy! for once in my life and not have to explain the boundaries of the statement. To just sit in the garden of that emotion and let the warmth of the sun blast against my face. Just happy. Just beginning.

Like New Orleans

"That note you hold, narrowing and rising, shakes
Like New Orleans reflected on the water
And in all ears appropriate falsehood wakes..."
From "For Sidney Bechet" by Philip Larkin

That Gold Statue

I was pleased with some of the Emmy winners last night. I was especially pleased with Lost capturing the "Best Dramatic Series" Emmy. I am not usually one to watch those awards shows but found myself with dear friends and watching, and not minding like I thought I would.

The best part, the most depressing part of the evening was the tribute to the late great Peter Jennings. It was heart wrenching to see old footage of all three of the great newscasters of our time (Jennings, Rather and Brokaw). The clincher was really seeing Brokaw and Rather, both retired now, on stage talking about their time as newscasters and about their colleague Jennings. I did shed a tear. A tear for the future of news in this country. A tear for the country.

It was a drive home lost in thought last night. No smiles and no frowns, just thinking. The moon was very bright. I'll blame her for my introspective state last evening, after all the events of the day. Not peaceful but thoughtful, and hopefully, like the Emmy's, all the tension will disappear once the decisions have been announced. But then, I need to make all my decisions first. This could take a while. ;)

Television Wins

Tonight the television wins. As I sat there watching the most recent episode of Weeds, and as the ending started and as the ending ended and I was crying. Just as she was. Why I wonder, why I laugh. As if I didn't know. Happy moments caught forever keep fading away on me. And I told you I wouldn't go here, that the darkness would not ensue. But then, this is my place to be. So I will be. So I am.

I'm still not well, I'm still shaken not stirred and random and tired. I'm checking the clock over and over to see if I'm still awake. A friend told me I seemed less "dark" than I have been. Am I? Am I hiding it? I think it's been pre-empted by the rest of my survival. My own personal reality show with an 11 mile hike in the beginning. No Jeff Probst for me, and no magicians assistants to help me up when I fall.

And the number of times I could use the pronoun "she" to describe what is going on in this brain, this mind, this heart, this soul, this darkness that is me, sickens all those things to their core.

And on the flip side I'm brighter. Because my darkness is comfortable. I accept that he is with me, by my side. We are content to coexist, and he allows me some sunshine. Even if only for moments so brief I can barely feel them lashing against my face. I wish for more than accidental slumbering touches. Still I get none of what I want. What I need alludes me even as the spider sits there, waiting for me to finish eating like some nursery rhyme.

The television wins because it can. I cannot argue, it does not hear. Like having an opinion. Scream from the top of the buildings, hang signs from skyscrapers and still only those that care will notice. The rest just go about their ever important lives. Lemmings to their little boxes.

The sleep will win because it has to. I need it like I need peace. My body manages to find sleep eventually. Maybe, someday, it will find peace too.

WaterFire

My apologies to the guys and girls I saw at WaterFire 2005 this year. The "Wall People" as I've been referring to them, agreed to let me photograph them as they jumped off the walls near the center of the WaterFire festival. I promised to put them in the gallery. It's taken me this long to get around to actually getting them developed. So, hopefully they're checking, here they are right in this post for you. Thanks for making the day even more interesting than it had been.