Movie in my Mind

I didn't sleep last night. Thoughts of my Friday night played across the silver screen on the back of my eyelids most of the night. Stunning images. A soundtrack worth repeated listening. I had insomnia and, for once, I didn't mind at all. These were places I had been before. Though, the comparison seems worthless. Nothing will compare to this Friday night. It was beautiful. Even the projector in my mind, it's bulb new and it's film threaded, could not display the images on the silver screen with as much intensity as the actual event.

This morning did not bring me to a refreshed state. I pulled myself out of bed with the little energy i could muster and decided to get something accomplished. I worked on those things that needed it, tackled mundane and accomplished a great many things.

Then I napped. The movie in my mind followed me into my dreams. Insomnia could not find me this time and the few hours I slept in late afternoon worked wonders. The sun was just setting as I woke, the golden light of magic hours streaming through my half-open blinds. It was time to plan the evening.

At first I had thoughts of the casino. It has been a while since I tempted lady luck and tonight felt good. It wasn't meant to be, though, as I would have been going alone. Instead I spoke with Libra briefly. She asked if I'd like to go see a movie. I hesitated, though I don't know that it showed. Did I? Yes. Should I? The result was very unsure. Was I ready to tackle that? Whether it seems ridiculous from the outside, inside I was chilled.

So I said yes. Because it is better to face those things in life, then to let them have such power over us.

I was waiting outside the theater, in the lobby of the mall that housed it. My eyes panned across the crowd. The cinematographer for the evening made sure that just as my eyes passed the right spot, she rounded the corner. The moment, looking back, was beyond perfect. Her walking, her smiling, my attempt at nonchalant. My heart beating so fast, I was afraid she might hear it.

We got tickets. We got food. We watched the movie. Some conversation before, some movie review after. We stood outside in the cold, cigarettes burning, talking, laughing. Then we parted. And the car ride was surrounded by silence.

She made comment, there in the cold. Didn't I miss hanging out with her? Yes. I do.

Sometimes I wish i could change the reel. The movie in my mind is all about her tonight.

Fame, blog style

So here I am. At work. On Good Friday. Not like I would have gone to church of something if I didnt have to work, but you know, somewhere, someone has the day off and I'm jealous.

So what's up with blog fame? Fuzy's blog has suddenly gotten recognition in the past few months. I know, you ask, "recognition? from, like, the New York Times?". And I say, no. From somewhere much more important to those of us who blog. From Ken of kenandariel.com. Yes, it's a big deal. We love the site, we love them and their posts are always funny and top notch. So for Fuzy to get a comment from Ken himself. That's awesome in every sense of the word. Hell, I'm excited FOR her!

So now i'm wishing my blog was a bit more mainstream. I tend to write about emotions and overly romanticized life situations. Hell, it's what the heading says i'm writing about. What I'm thinking of doing is actually starting a second blog. Something more mundane. A place to vent and talk about less personal things. My observations of the world without the rose-colored glasses. We'll see the level of motivation I have to undertake such an endeavor. I know I could fill it with plenty of interesting stories.

Until then...let the romantic continue.

SONNET 30
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.

Walking

I was driving home this evening. I suppose that's what i always do after work, but that's not the point. The point was that the music in my car was off and the symphony of thoughts flooding through my mind was deafening. I wasn't thinking about one thing, one person, one action or one consequence. I was thinking in a general, zen sort of way. The way I think when i'm walking through the woods, randomly, in the middle of the afternoon.

So yes, i took a walk today. I decided I was going to take a short drive from work and walk through Penwood. It's a state forest/game refuge type place. It has a pretty straightforward trail. Like, there is no chance you could get lost, unless you veer severely off the path. I mean severely. So I asked Fuzy to come. She said...work? bah! And so we went.

We walked. We talked. I was happy. As i write that i think to myself "really?". But the answer is yes. I still had things i had to pay, people i had to deal with, emotions and life things that needed attention. But in those woods, walking, talking, the sun shining. I was happy. The small dose of happiness was quite welcome. Having the Fuz there was just a bonus.

I guess this wasn't going to be completely deep and introspective. Things are ok. They're not wonderful. When have they ever been? But I'm alive and working and meeting new people and making new friends.

I'm numb to some things too. I suppose it will come back to haunt me at some point. For now, though, it's a survival techniqe. It's helping the paragraph before this be true. It's helping me live the day to day and not fall apart in the thinking and feeling of it all. I may need to burst sooner or later. I'm just praying for later.

In the meantime. I'm walking. Trying to avoid the mud, the snow, the rocks, the bumps. Trying to stay on the path, not sure where it's going but always looking out for the scenery. Hoping someone will be there to walk the length of it with me someday. Content, for now, to have my friends to accompany me when they can.

One word

One word was all it took. It was like a thousand falling bricks hit me at the same time, square in the face. I felt their impact, felt my face crumble and the tears. It took a second and felt a lifetime. All she did was say my name.

I was broken before. I was responsible for most of it. I felt. I feel. I fall apart. But I was good. I was fading slowly into casuality. I was drifting down a river of "yeah, whatevers" and ignoring those deeper thoughts. All she did was say my name.

The flood of memory was intense. The flood of emotion was indescribable. Now it's already faded. Or, maybe a bit more honest with myself, it never fades. I just place it where I can deal with it. Where it shouldn't belong but does. All she did was say my name.

And all I did was fall to pieces.

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Out of range

Out of range of pain and hurt and crushing blows. Out of range of emotion. Out of range of all the thoughts and crazy spontaneity. That is where I've chosen to put those things that complicate. Here, now, I feel rotten for it. I feel selfish and egotistical. Now, after strained half-conversations i want to take myself outside and kick my ass. Is this actually better?

Life is moving much quicker now. Those things I thought were out of range for me are suddenly more in focus. I can almost tell what they're saying sometimes, almost feel their presence. They are opportunity. They are stability. They're not here, but I think I can see them coming. The horizon is dark with the shadows of approaching possibility.

I find myself on my pendulum again. I find myself, one moment content, the next fickle. I dance over happy and depressed like it's a career to retire from with a pension. I go to funerals and then meet amazing people. I have a wonderful weekend, get calls about opportunities, and have one half-conversation and feel like shit. I swing and swing and never really enjoy the ride, only those moments when the pendulum has reached it's furthest point and hangs for a moment, suspended and subtley stationary do i feel no pressure of the inevitable that I cannot explain.

I am out of range. Tonight, even in the context of a mundane and fun evening, the pendulum has reminded me. Reminded me that even when things are ok, nothing is accomplished or finished or "ok" yet. I still have my life to fight for. I still have my dreams to save from crashing.

baby I love you
that's why I'm leaving
there's no talking to you
and there's no pleasing you
and I care enough
that I'm mad
that half the world don't even know
what they could have had
---Ani Difranco

I invented ice cream

Actually, I didn't. Or, at least, my bank account doesn't show that I did. But it was a moment, and only some of us will understand. I suppose that's life. Some things we have and know and understand. Some things are just out of context. So deal with it.

Something else I didn't invent was gin. But I do drink it. This weekend more than usual. I spent the weekend in a combination of states, starting with responsible (fix the headlight in the jeep, buy groceries, go to the bank). Next came driving, through the snow storm, to New Hampshire, to visit a friend. To visit someone I hadn't seen in far too long and to reconnect.

We drank. She was tired. She had already had a long weekend and it was only Saturday. She kept the sleep demons at bay as long as they could and I helped when necessary. We ate good food, drank good drinks and talked of all things. I remembered her all over again. I remembered the smile and the laugh and the personality that was her. We shared and caught up and spent an evening to be remembered. I certainly didn't invent the "great evening" concept, but I definitely know I've had some, and definitely had one that evening.

Then came breakfast in the morning and walking around town. Then came the goodbyes. I was letting her rest. I wanted to stay. Actually, I wanted to stay for weeks. I left with a smile on my face and my cell phone charger NOT in my bag.

Then home and feeling ill. My body said "damn you for drinking more than we're used to". My stomach just grunted. I finally fell asleep. It was not brought about my comfort. I slept because my body had no choice. When i woke up today I was still feeling discombobulated. (I had to use it, i couldn't help myself.) I'm hoping it fades. I'm doing whatever I can to help it fade. Alas my condition makes me pay for the slightest amount of abuse.

Then today at work. Productive and challenging. A phone call from an opportunity. A start to a job. A good day and the sky was clear.

Then tonight, and the Fuz and I spent some time. We laughed and questioned and listened to music. I'm thrilled that I know her. I'm lucky to be counted among her friends. Not just because I'd hate to be an enemy. More because of her smile. Who she is intrigues me. Who she wants to be intrigues me. She is an amazing conversationalist as well. I feel like a blathering idiot sometimes talking to her. Her conversation is so refined. I know she'll probably read this and go "really?" and ask me about it. And so my master plan of having ANOTHER conversation with the Fuz is set into motion.

Funny, this mundane post hasn't bothered me at all. It felt good to just say "BLAH" and explain the days since my last venture into blogworld. I promise more romance and poeticism (i made that word up I think) when next I return here. In the meantime, I'll start on those chords for Perpetual Motion.

And now the sleep demons are tugging on my eyelids. I'm going to let them win. Carpe Somnium.

===Michael

Perpetual Motion

I miss her most at night
I miss her most in the brightness of the sun
When the lights are off and on
I'm sitting in the dark and dreaming to myself

I miss her most when i'm alone
I miss her most in crowds of unfamilar faces
When the road is leading me home
And i'm upside down and wishing she was here

Perpetual motion
Keeps me falling forever
I touched you before this
Now I feel like it's never been so hard
Never felt so good to remember
That perpetual motion
Keeps me falling forever
While your eyes help me walk through the rain

I miss her most right now
I miss her most when the words are with me
How far we've come and fallen
Holding on was yesterday and tomorrow is falling apart

Perpetual motion
Keeps me falling forever
I touched you before this
Now I feel like it's never been so hard
Never felt so good to remember
That perpetual motion
Keeps me falling forever
While your eyes help me walk through the rain
While your eyes help me walk through the rain

Memory for Benny

Today seemed decent enough from my own view of the world. I started a new job (part of the old one, but separate all the same) and finished some freelance work. When i came home, though, there was news and it wasn't great.

I have a cousin. She had a husband. He passed away today. He was young and had a rare form of cancer. He, and his family, especially his wife and children, went through a lot these past few years since the diagnosis. He was a fighter.

When i think of him, I think of him smiling. He had a great smile. He had a sincere smile. I remember him that way. There is always a story that comes to mind when I think about him. It doesn't matter how many times, it's always that story that comes racing to my mind.

I was young. I don't remember the details as well as I want to. I remember that I was at my father's house. I remember the limo pulling up out front. It was exciting. That may have been my first limo experience, now that I think about it.

He had gotten the limo for (if i remember correctly) asking his girlfriend (my cousin) to marry him. She said yes. He had the limo all day. So he decided they were going to drive the kids around. We did exactly that. It was amazing and he was smiling. The whole time.

Someday i'll share that story with his children. Maybe it will help them remember him, remember what an amazing person he was and how much he loved them, loved in general. Loved life.

Farewell and we will miss you and I know in my heart that you are better now. There is no pain any more. The pain belongs to those who loved you now. We didn't want you to leave so soon.

I will always remember that limo ride. Not because of the bar, or the lights or the fancy seats. I'll remember because of Benny.

Poem of Farewell to a Friend
----------------------------
How does one say goodbye to a loved one?
Such nonsense is unnecessary-
The time the paths ran as one was important
And not the point at which they part.
It is true that all roads
do lead to Rome.

For we shall meet together in Heaven.
by Andy Veres

For Us

Miashell sent me a quote tonight. She knows how i'm feeling after the leaving today.
So this is something for K and myself. After all...
Look at all the things you've done for me.
---------------------------------------------------
GEORGE
What am I to do?

DOT
Move on...

Stop worrying where you're going-
Move on.
If you can know where you're going,
You've gone.
Just keep moving on.

I chose, and my world was shaken-
So what?
The choice may have been mistaken,
The choosing was not.
You have to move on.

Look at what you want,
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be-
Look at all the things you've done for me:

Opened up my eyes,
Taught me how to see,
Notice every tree-

---From "Sunday in the Park with George"
by Stephen Sondheim

I love you.

Dying Day

Today a little part of me died. I can hardly begin to explain what today has felt like. I have maintained my functionality. I have maintained some semblance of sanity and haven't broken down. I left her today, twice. Each time was hard. Each time was like the whole world was falling apart around me and she was standing there, in the middle of it all. Crying.

I keep questioning my decisions. I keep hoping that what I'm doing is correct. But then, how in the hell will I ever know for sure? I'll only be able to try and feel good about this situation, knowing that, in the long run, it's better for both her and me.

I moved out enough of my "stuff" today so I can survive here, at my mother's home. I didn't want to come here. Not because I didn't like the thought. More because I didn't want to re-invade my mother's life. But then, as she's said, I'm always welcome. So here I am, and I'm hoping it's not for too too long. I'm "getting on my feet".

I fall apart inside every few seconds. It feels like my dying day.

Honesty

Driving always felt so therapeutic. When i drive, i am thinking. Sometimes I have music on, but more often than not lately, I drive in silence. I have conversations with myself. I leave the logical side of myself to the driving and take off into my musings. It's gotten to the point that I sometimes forget where I was going until I get there.

I have told so many people to just be honest. With themselves, with other people. I know it's not always the easiest thing to do. Believe me I understand that more intimately than I wish I did. But I know that honesty has saved me from myself. Saved me from decisions and situations that could have been much much worse.

With snow everywhere as I look outside I feel like some divine force is making a poetic statement about life in general. That the snow is there, covering over the life beneath it. But we have plows and shovels and four-wheel drive to get us through it. The snow doesn't just go away, we have to wait. Until it's gone, we use our shovels and our plows and snowblowers to make things a little easier to deal with while we wait.

To be completely non-poetic for a moment. My life, recently, has been hellish. I know i'm not the only one that has a hard time. I know i'm not the only one in the world that has to deal with things like jobs and money. I also know that people deal with each other every day and try to make the best of it. All of those things, lately, have been hard.

I've tried to make the best of it. I've been functional and alert and ever vigilant with myself. I have made mistakes and fallen. I've made mistakes and been helped up. I am lucky to have the people around me that I do. When it comes down to the basis of my life, though, I have to fix or deal with these things on my own. No matter how much company, how many friends, how much love we have, we will always wind up alone, to fend for ourselves against ourselves.

Alone isn't always bad. I cherish my alone time. I am a person that thrives on other people's energies. I always make it my goal to be strong for them. To help them if they need me. When I need help, i am reluctant to ask, and reluctant to receive when it comes my way. I am grateful, though, when it comes. My own dichotomy. I am an extrovert. Sometimes, I just need me.

I always say to be honest even though it's hard. I always preach that honesty may hurt but dishonesty is worse. Then, when the time comes for me to live by my own rules, I struggle. Easier said than done. So now i'm struggling, because I'm being honest. I am being true to the one person I can help, the one person I can save. Myself.

I have regrets. I regret how i've handled some things. I regret some of the things I've said in the past. I regret that I couldn't just be mindless and hopeless and ignore those things in my life that made it hard. I had to face them, and in some cases, I had to be harsh with them. But they are still so much a part of me. Letting go was never even an option. It was only a myth I thought I could live up to.

All things heal in time. Or so they say. I hope that is true. I want to believe that I did the right things in my life. I want to believe that the choices I have made were not rash. That the benefit of those choices will, someday, become evident.

I am not happy. I am not hopeless. I am not perfect. I am not alone. I am not going to fight worthless battles. I am not going to drop it all and walk away. I am not going to shun my responsibility to myself.

I am going to be honest. I am going to shut off the music, and drive in the silence of my life. I am going to shovel the walk way, put the Jeep in four-wheel drive and pray for the summer.

Short cancer

Did you know they are selling cigarettes now that are shorter than normal ones? I was recently informed of this new innovation by a colleague of mine. I was intrigued. I bought some a few weeks ago. Since i smoke so little, i still have some. They are called "seventy-twos", i'm assuming in reference to their length. They are still a cigarette, they are still horrible for the human body. But now they come in a convenient "feel like your quitting and spending less money" size...

...I'm trying to write about the mundane and it's pissing me off. I don't want to. I was forcing myself to, because those complicated situations, those "real" and emotional situations have taken their toll on me as of late. I dread trying to put them into any sort of coherence here. So first, a cigarette, to soothe my aches and kill me slowly. Then, maybe, i'll try and wax a little poetic on why my recent life has been complicated, but real.