Change Again

Why can't it ever stay the way it is? Why does it need to change? With every change it feels wrong. It feels like dealing with things all over again. It feels like drifting apart and coming together. I can't seem to solidify anything now.

This is a sudden outburst, I'm sure you assume. This is the way the day went, cruising along and then suddenly off a cliff of realizations. Of changes, subtle and frustrating. Maybe I knew the cliff was there anyway. Maybe I drive off of them because there is nowhere else to go. The road always leads here. I never think to stop and ask for directions away from the cliff. I just drive off.

Now where do I go? Circles don't seem to work for me. I love groups of personalities, and somehow can't seem to coexist with an entire set. Some fall out of the car, others just decide they're done. Some keep riding, not really paying any attention to where we're going, who is driving. Nothing matters because something else has filled them with curiosity. So I drive the car, full to overflowing and completely empty, perfectly alone..

It's like waiting and moving. Always waiting for the moment to change again. Always waiting for the perfect, knowing the perfect was never there, and never will be. Struggles that seemed so worth it, conversations and shared emotions that seemed so crucial all disappear. Changing again into pointless, unrecorded history.

This is the end of another piece. For me. For them. For us. For the circles and the squares and the directions that have made up my life. I'm looking back on those directions I came from and all I can see is beauty and happiness. If turning around was even an option, I might try. But then I'd never see the future. No matter how bleak, existing for tomorrow is all I have left.