4ever

I'm overtired. It happens when you don't sleep. Not sleeping is symptom of coffee too late in the evening. Not sleeping is a symptom of that one state of mind that exists inside me that is not calm, or zen or happy. That part of me that is still unsure of everything. There are so many things I need to say. More importantly, there are so many things I wanted to ask, wanted to know. Instead, that part of me is in oblivion with no ending, no understanding.

So this is a list then. A list of things I need to say. I could ask why a million times and it wouldn't be enough. I could sit here and go through every moment, every second and come up with everything and it wouldn't be enough.

Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you come looking for me if you were just going to walk away?
Why did you just stop, with no explanation?
You wanted honesty and respect and I gave you nothing but that. Why, from me, was it not enough?
Why did you not believe those words I said to you?
You danced with me and sang with me.
I was never mad, only confused.
I was never angry or spiteful, never lashed out or was disrespectful.
I believe in you, in all that you are.
I called and tried to communicate and all I received was silence. Why so silent?
Don't you know that I love you more than anything? That nothing you could do would change that? That all of the world could tell me to forget you and I never will?
Don't you know that those words are not fluff or cheese though they may sound like it? That they are the most serious statements of the truest feelings?
Can you see how beautiful you are?
Can you see how much I hurt?
Do you know that all I wanted was to talk?
All I ever wanted was you to be happy.
All I ever hoped for was your love and your honesty and your respect.
Do you think that you are so imperfect?

You are beautiful and strong and one of the most amazing people i've ever met. I would never have said those words, never have held you or kissed you like I did if that was not true. In the dream that was the beginning of our relationship, all I could see was happiness ahead. Where did the road turn so swiftly? Sometimes these words all sound the same, hoping that maybe you read them and take them to heart, the way that I mean them.

I never wanted to move on. I only wanted to wait. I only wanted to see you again, in beauty as you always were. So you've slipped and I am helpless to find you. Someday maybe you'll find me. I'll be waiting with arms wide, a smile on my face and nothing but the love I have for you, will always have for you, in my eyes.

No rest and no sleep and always hoping that you are happy. Always.