Faded

The day outside was bleak. I did not want to wake up, to climb out of my bed into the warmth that wasn't there. I didn't want to face a day that had so very little in it to distract me from my constant thoughts as of late.

Today filled itself. I got a christmas tree with my cousin and her boyfriend for her place (now my place as well.) We decorated, went grocery shopping, made dinner, just had a generally homebody/new england type Sunday. I was faded from the week and still I spent the day with part of me distracted.

Saturday was Garden State. It was grab some food from the pizza place and play with OnDemand and find Garden State and eat greasy food, smoke a little pot and watch. It was the day that I broke down and cried because of a movie like i've never done. I cried like a child. Then i fell back to sleep and went out later in the evening to wash away the faded thoughts.

I could do that for every day of this long weekend. I'll sum it up instead. For every action i did, for every function, meal, family member I spoke to, beer i drank, there was a small portion of me that was silent, brooding and on fire with anger and love and withdrawal.

And now it's faded because I am not sober. I haven't slept well lately. Why would tonight be any different.