Almost Too Bright

I didn't sleep well, if at all, last night. I didn't get up to watch TV or make warm milk. I didn't try and take some sort of drug. I just lay there, staring up at nothing. Now, as I'm thinking on my sleepless night I can see correlations. Staring up at nothing, trying as hard as I can to see something, to make an image appear without closing my eyes.

I was trying to make the image of normalcy settle in place. I was trying to force all of my emotion and lack of emotion, all of my decisions and my complications and realizations, all of my love and hatred into some sort of normal place. It didn't work. I didn't sleep.

It was a vain attempt. I know that. I need to deal, one thing at a time, one moment at a time. This year, in general, as a friend has pointed out, just sucked for me. I've been doing good. I know, dear reader, that you have read so much sadness and emotion here. I know you may even have left this place with frustration at my own decisions, at the things i've written. I wish I could say it is better now. All I can say is that here I can be the overly-romantic, sappy, ridiculous, emotional, dramatic person that I can't be in the day to day of my life. Here I can release all of this energy and it comes out creative, mostly. So here is where I put it. Here is where I wish it would stay. When I stood up this morning, I got ready for work, showered, ironed, forgot to take my medicines (for which my stomach is none to pleased at the moment) and walked outside. And the sun seemed, somehow, almost too bright.