A Weighty Subject

So see...I'm not skinny. I'm not mamoth either. I have extra weight that I have had for a good portion of my life. I haven't gained or lost more than 5 pounds in almost 10 years. It means that I'm comfortable at this weight. Well, it means I don't have the motivation to lose the weight.

I don't think I look so great with no shirt on. As the summer rolls around to being here, I always remember how much I hate that part of this time of year. I am reminded that, No, i'm not skinny. I'm also reminded that girls, in general, whether they claim it or not, like their men thinner than I am. I'm assuming not every guy has to be a twig for a girl to be initially attracted to them, but there are a scattered few women in the world that are attracted to the thicker male population. That population that I'm in.

So do I lose weight? Do i go to the gym, drop the pounds, in hopes that a girl will find me attractive? No. I can't bare the thought of losing weight because I want a date. I can't bare the thought of looking in the mirror and going "Am I thin enough to be noticed?" I'm just not that kind of person. So i'm pigeon-holed into the "large" category. I'm dismissed, initially, by the majority of women because I'm not an ideal.

I find it hard to deal because I'm so open when it comes to women. I have no initial ideas of what beautiful is. Beautiful can be heavy, skinny, blue eyes, brown eyes. Beautiful can be a personality or a smile or a way of speaking. There are so many thing I'm attracted to in the female sex. I can safely say I've NEVER dismissed the notion of attraction because of someone's weight. Perhaps because I am, in fact, heavy myself.

This time of year is my favorite. The sun and the heat and the summer in general always revitalize me. At the same time, this time of year is a test of my self-esteem. And now, in my single status, it is even more evident.

Do I lose the weight for a date? Or do I lose the weight for myself? In the end, if a girl walked up to a skinnier me, because I'm a skinnier me...I don't know if I'd be any better off than I am. Well, maybe a bit healthier for my own sake.