Not Ready Yet

We were driving home from a day of music. There was something with us as we drove. Lyza Jane and Lolee were writing a story together, each taking a line, trying to make some sense from one paragraph to the next. I didn't know how it was coming out. When Lolee finally read it, I was in awe. This is their story...

6/25/05
This one time, I was taking a walk on the beach. It
was quiet, the waves crept silently onto shore. as I
walked, the fog got thicker until I could no longer
see my toes. suddenly there was a noise. I turned to
look, but all I saw was a wall of white. the fog,
misty, moving with the breeze that was coming off the
water. the smell of salt in my nose - as I nervously
licked my lips, tasting the sea. my eyes darted left
and right, my head turning from one side to another,
trying to discern which direction the noise had come
from. I felt something move across my feet - I
jumped, my heartbeat heavy in my chest. slowly I
reached down, groping in the darkness of the fog for
an answer. with another breeze a long tangled seaweed
grabbed my fingers. I laughed out loud - how
vulnerable and easily shaken I was in that place.
never was I afraid of mysterious noises or darkness in
my own home, but in the natural world, I’ve never been
able to find complete stillness, peace. I’ve always
regretted that fact. it seems so unnatural.

but each of us finds our own balance. mixing fear
with calm. all of us must confront our fears in our
own way - this was mine. always afraid of the
unknown, I had decided this evening it was time. time
to walk the beach by myself, with myself. needing to
meet the demon of my dreams head on - I could think of
no better way.

it had come to a head earlier in the week. when I had
looked upon the stars while sitting on my deck that
night. scotch in my left hand, the ice keeping my
drink cool, hearing the sweat from the glass drip drip
onto the deck. thick hot air, no breeze from the
water, the smoke from the cigarette in my right hand
lingered in the air with each exhale. I made my deal
with God that night. and tonight I was fulfilling my
end of the bargain.

a smile illuminated my face. I could feel the corners
of my mouth reaching those stars, my breath
circulating with the salty air. confidence carried my
legs toward the water. my pace quickened until water
kissed my toes. I crouched down, bringing water to my
face. it felt nice in the thick night air. I took a
step forward, and then another, then another.
suddenly I was waist deep - the sea enveloped my legs,
my torso, my fingertips. my body swayed, I danced
beneath the distant moonlight. adrenaline rushed
through my veins. freedom - yes - yes - this is
freedom. wait -

the strong undertow pulled my under, forcefully into
it's grasp - the water - I can't - breath - wait -

I’m not ready yet.
----
lyza jane & lolee