Not Going Anywhere

Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.
It isn't the love of a hero, that's why I fear it won't do.

---Chad Kroeger "Hero"

A Letter To Myself

I am writing this to myself as a reminder. I am writing this to myself so that when the world is falling apart around me, when the avalanches of life are tumbling ever closer, I will have this to remember. Nothing was ever guaranteed to be simple, or easy, or without it's problems. My life, the one that surrounds me with amazing people, is the only one I have. I have struggled, and fallen, and struggled and fallen and I still fight to live. Even when I wonder why, I fight. I say that I'm a lover, not a fighter to people. Then sometimes I remember how much I've fought to love.

I am writing this to myself for when I want to give up. For when my trust in the people I love fails. I am flawed and always feel unworthy. I am always atoning for the sins of my past. I am always living with those sins, and they are a constant reminder of who I was, and who I will never be again. When they come to haunt me, to judge me, I fight for my sanity. I fight knowing that there are people there to fight with me if I need them, even though the battle is my own.

I love deeper than oceans. I love with my soul. I am blessed with a life that did not give up on me and I have a promise to keep. I will not give up on my life, even when I drown in the past, in the mistakes I make, in the mistakes I will make. I will not give up on life, and I will never give up on the people that I love. Love like a bright neon sign blinking to the universe.

I am writing this to myself to remember the small things that sometimes sit in shadows of bigger, more "important" parts of life. Those small things that make me, made me and continue to sculpt the person I am...I remember...

Standing on the beach, wearing my suit, and her in a dress ready for dinner
Standing on stage, in darkness, alone with my thoughts before a show and feeling the touch of beauty from all around me.
Singing to my grandparents on their 50th wedding anniversary
The first time I told someone I loved them and they weren't my family.
The first time I saw someone die.
Dancing without music, under stars, in the center of town.
Breaking my foot during a volleyball practice.
Standing on the beach head of the Saco river, talking to the moon.
Holding her hand on the drive home that New Years, and my soul was at peace.
Holding her hand on the drive out that New Years, and realizing what was missing.
Sleeping next to the people I love.
Making slightly intoxicated love in the back of my Jeep.
Listening to music I wrote being played by other people.
Riding my bicycle down Worthy Street, feeling the wind, feeling alive.
Loving and laughing and crying and yelling, all at the same person, and still they never left.

I remember that memories are precious and they have shaped me and that every moment, every thought, every action I've made, has helped make three words more powerful than all the hardest moments in my life...

I love you.

This is a letter to myself so that others can see who I am. A note to them. Some of them will read it and nod, or smile, or shake their heads at my sheer cheese. I look forward to the reactions, the comments, the moments shared. Any moment with the people i love is a moment I cherish.

This is a letter to myself, so that you, the one that I'm fighting for now, can see. I am not weak or ready to give up. I am not just going to run even if you hurt me. I want you to trust me, believe in me, understand me and be honest with me. I want to do the same for you. This effort is ours to make together, whether slowly or quickly down the road, we are traveling together. I want this road to be long, but for now, today is today and tomorrow is the future. No matter how this road twists and turns, and even if it comes time, someday, to take our own paths apart, know that the weight of my soul has been measured by your kiss. I know , that I could live without you, but I choose to fight for this love. I hope you'll fight for it too.

Just Wait

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

---John Popper

The Soul Of Jack London

I remember Jack London. I remember the amazing short stories he wrote. Of all of them, one sticks out in my mind today. "To Build A Fire." I made a correlation in my mind this morning that didn't quite seem to fit until i thought about it some more. I connected my current life, this piece of my existence to that story.

In the book, a man desperately needs to build a fire in the freezing cold Arctic. If he doesn't build the fire he will perish. It's an extreme story about extreme conditions. When the connection was forming in my head it wasn't that extreme, but it fit the bill.

That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm building a fire. It's going extremely well as far as I can tell, a small, but extremely hot flame is burning. I want it to grow, to be a roaring bonfire. It needs attention and care and fuel to keep it burning. The fuel I have, and I hope I have enough. The attention, I can give and the care is overflowing.

The problem with fire is always the same. You must pay it attention and feed it what it needs to burn. Don't give it too much fuel or it will burn fast and hard and then die quickly. Fan it, give the embers the oxygen they need to get hotter, but don't fan too much or you will eventually just blow it out.

So here I am, in my life, trying to fan this fire and not put it out. I want it burning brightly. I want it to shine through the night. Fanning it too much, giving it too much attention may smother it though, and that would not do. So i'll make sure, i'll try very hard to give it the right amount of care and let it burn as it's supposed to.

This fire that lives in my heart, in her heart, started so quickly. Now we must keep it alive. It is what I'm living for, and without it, I will freeze in this arctic winter. Let it burn forever, because we've only just begun to feel the magnificent heat.
Let the soul of Jack London be witness, that to build this fire I will do anything.

Past And Future

At the beginning of something new, there is always the need to deal with those things that have happened to us in the past. Dealing with previous relationships is the hardest. When those from our past don't deal with the situation well, it's difficult to see the brightness of the present, clouded by a shadow from the past.

In some cases, I understand. In the beginning of this relationship I am dealing with a few pieces of my life that are important, that have history, that aren't necessarily obligated to be thrilled that I am in a new relationship. All I can hope for is that we stay open and honest. All I can hope for is that they remember, that they always remember that I love them.

Sometimes, though, we're not so lucky. Yes, I've needed to deal with history that is important to me. Because it's important to me. Because they are important to me. Sometimes, people react before they think. They say things, harsh things, and things they may regret later.

My beautiful woman has been dealing with this recently. In the midst of happiness, she has been brought down. Because of history, and because she's trying to deal with it correctly. I've been blessed with the people in my life, even if it was hard, even when I made mistakes, they stayed willing to give me a chance, to love them and show that I do.

The challenge isn't being happy. We are happy. She, as she has said to me, is happy. The challenge is not letting the sadness that comes with hard history, with the feelings of those around us, take over the happiness.

I hope she can. I hope she remembers how much "us" means to me. I hope through this she knows I'm here for her. She can always come running, always call, always ask whenever she needs it. Sometime I'm going to need her shoulder, her comfort. To know that she cries over these things tears me apart. The beauty of the idea. Crying because she does care. Yet, crying all the same.

Helpless is my word for last night. It's my word for today. I just wanted to hold her. I wanted to take it away and I couldn't. She's a strong soul. She will survive, even without me here to comfort her. It still rips me apart. Because now, I am here. I want to be her strength when she needs it. I hope she knows she can ask.

Above all else, we are together. We have only just begun, and even the hardest things are temporary. While the love we share is eternal. Haunted by a past of our own making, and still the future is bright and beautiful.

7 AM

I got back in the car at 7AM. She was safe. Tired, and she'll probably have a hang over, but she was safe. I didn't sleep because I didn't know if she was. I'm paying for it now, but it was worth the worry. She'll always be worth the worry. I got in the car and the cd I had made for her was in the stereo. It was in between tracks. When the next track started I smiled, tears in my already puffy eyes. I smiled because of all the realizations of a sleepless night. I smiled because she was there, in her bed, asleep and beautiful. I smiled because, as usual, Destiny was letting me know it was all ok now.

"The Blowers Daughter"
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
---Damien Rice

Something Missing

Something is missing tonight, as I sit here in bed. It is her. We've seen each other almost every day. We're learning so much so fast. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and confessions and life stories. We've shared so much in just such a short amount of time.

Tonight she had to help a friend. We had planned to get together. She called to ask if I would mind. I smiled, thinking of my own friends and how much they mean to me. Of course I didn't mind. Those people we love sometimes need us. Tonight, someone needed her. I told her to go, If i got the chance to see her later on, I would...

...It is later on now and I won't see her tonight. I'm missing her. I'm sitting here wondering what I should do with myself and getting lost in thoughts of the past three weeks. The time that seems to have flown.

She has been there. She is there. In my mind, so much a part of everything I do, or think, or say now. I've never imagined losing myself to someone and being okay with it. Now i'm drowning in her eyes even when they are miles away. I'm lost inside thoughts of her lips and her arms around me, her eyes, her breasts against me, her hands on me. I'm lost and happy, longing for her and content in the mirages I keep creating in my mind.

Something is missing.

The sound of her voice.

Raining

It was raining as we got out of the car and ran to the door of the hotel room, our bags across our shoulders. She laughed and made comment that she was going to melt. I smiled and let us into the fresh smelling room. It was the beginning of an amazingly perfect day, evening and morning that was this morning.

We had spent a few minutes at my house, before we left for the hotel, looking at old photos of me when I was a child. She laughed and told me how cute I was. I made sure that she would show me pictures of her someday. Then we made the drive, in the rain, the windows of the car foggy with our breath. We were smiling, holding hands in the car.

Once we were in the room, we inspected. It wasn't large, though the bed was king sized. It wasn't beautiful, it was perfect. It meant just us. It meant so many things in my mind, in my heart, that I shivered, whether from cold or from my mind i'm unsure. I lay on the bed, jokingly "testing" it for it's comfort level. We didn't leave the room or the bed right away, even though we were both hungry. We were hungrier for each other.

Then out into the rain, to dinner. I carried her across a river that had formed where part of the sidewalk had been. She laughed the entire time. We both looked like we had taken another shower when we entered the restaurant. We waited for a seat talking about traveling.

Dinner was divine. Whether it was the company or the meal or the atmosphere or the sound of rain beating against the windows, I was content. Sitting across from her, lost in her gaze one moment, examining her beautiful features the next, always trying to remember to eat, to chew, to swallow.

The rest of the evening was a beautiful blur of wine and conversation and laughter and love and passion and fun. It was an evening that I have never experienced. The rain poured out of the sky, even as we climbed into the shower together and she washed my hair and we kissed under the hot water. It was raining outside, and it was raining inside and our lips drank of each other as much as they drank of the wine.

Then pillow talk, and sleep and waking up in early morning to roll over and watch her, laying there, fitfully resting beside me. She doesn't sleep well in strange places. Neither do I. Still, in her fitfullness she was beautiful. And then I woke her with kisses and soft words and we showered and had breakfast and drove home in a daze. A daze of perfection. I'm still there, with her face in my mind and smiling uncontrollably.

And even now, I know in my soul, that we've only just begun.

No Need For Daylight

During the day is easy. The day was, and is, a time when things are there, visible, easy. Daylight is honest. It shows you things with no hidden meaning, just exactly what you see. It takes away the difficulty of truly seeing, believing, by always illuminating, regardless of what it is.

That is why i love the dark. All the best things in my life have happened at night. At night, when it takes ourselves being honest, being our own source of light. When it's harder and more worth it. When seeing isn't necessary for believing any more. I have faith in the darkness to always make me work for those things that are important to me. Then in morning, I'll let the sunlight in and remember how beautiful the world can be with daylight, even after the beauty of the night.

A Warm Winter

In the beginning of any relationship, I suppose there is infatuation. An overbearing "love" of someone, because they are new and different and have stories to tell and history to share and viewpoints and ideas. I suppose people will call it the honeymoon phase, and people will be disgusted and roll their eyes. But what if, in this sick, cynical world, there is a love that is so impossible to describe, to express, that even every word, or action or kiss couldn't bring to light it's completeness.

That is how i'm feeling tonight. I'm feeling cheesy and sappy and ridiculous. To me, now, those words mean good things. They mean that I've found someone that takes me for my cheese, all of it. Someone I can see a future with. I am happy, happier than i've been in a while. And if you're rolling your eyes, just wait...

Though I need to interrupt myself and say something to at least one person that will read this. To the other woman I was priveleged enough to spend 8 wonderful years with. I want you to know how much you mean to me and will mean to me and always meant to me. How much love I have for you inside. It's part of why this new relationship is so good. Because you gave me so much, helped me be so much of who I am. I love you more than you'll ever understand for that. Even though things didn't wind up perfect, I know we shared so much perfection, so much beauty and so much love in our time together that we shook mountains.

This year will be a winter of warmth. Whether fires burn in fireplaces, or on the back deck with snow piled around, or just inside my soul, the winter will not touch me. The cold will have to wait.

The honesty and the beauty and the connection and the sheer destiny of it all. It rocks me to my core, trying to search out words to describe it. I've felt this, i know this, but not this way. This time, with it's subtle changes, has me lost for words, lost for thoughts, and just feeling my way through.

There is no too fast, or too slow or too easy or too hard now. There is only this. There is only a deep love, something I hope never fades, never leaves, never decides it's had enough and seeks out a more worthy man for such a wonderful gift. And still, as it slips into "late" I am hunting for words I cannot find. I could write poems and songs and stories for an eternity and not touch on this feeling that I thought I understood.

Maybe it is true. Maybe all the past, all the love I've been lucky enough to have. To have been so blessed with those women that have been so wonderful to me through my flaws. Maybe they were getting me ready. Maybe even this is getting me ready for something else...but right now it feels like the only thing.

I feel guilty for being happy. I feel guilty telling people, telling those whom i've cared about so much in the past. But then I hope that somewhere inside them they are happy for me, just as I am happy for their happinesses. I love them with a never-ending love from the depths of my soul. I would die for them, because they taught me to be love, they taught me how to be loved.

In the end of this i'll say that I want to read this again someday and I hope it still makes sense, I hope it still rings true. I hope and I hope and I dream and I wish and I even pray. That I am worthy of the people in my life that care about me as they do. I hope I can give them even a fraction of that in return.

And to you, who I will try to keep warm this winter, remember...We've only just begun.