In the beginning of any relationship, I suppose there is infatuation. An overbearing "love" of someone, because they are new and different and have stories to tell and history to share and viewpoints and ideas. I suppose people will call it the honeymoon phase, and people will be disgusted and roll their eyes. But what if, in this sick, cynical world, there is a love that is so impossible to describe, to express, that even every word, or action or kiss couldn't bring to light it's completeness.
That is how i'm feeling tonight. I'm feeling cheesy and sappy and ridiculous. To me, now, those words mean good things. They mean that I've found someone that takes me for my cheese, all of it. Someone I can see a future with. I am happy, happier than i've been in a while. And if you're rolling your eyes, just wait...
Though I need to interrupt myself and say something to at least one person that will read this. To the other woman I was priveleged enough to spend 8 wonderful years with. I want you to know how much you mean to me and will mean to me and always meant to me. How much love I have for you inside. It's part of why this new relationship is so good. Because you gave me so much, helped me be so much of who I am. I love you more than you'll ever understand for that. Even though things didn't wind up perfect, I know we shared so much perfection, so much beauty and so much love in our time together that we shook mountains.
This year will be a winter of warmth. Whether fires burn in fireplaces, or on the back deck with snow piled around, or just inside my soul, the winter will not touch me. The cold will have to wait.
The honesty and the beauty and the connection and the sheer destiny of it all. It rocks me to my core, trying to search out words to describe it. I've felt this, i know this, but not this way. This time, with it's subtle changes, has me lost for words, lost for thoughts, and just feeling my way through.
There is no too fast, or too slow or too easy or too hard now. There is only this. There is only a deep love, something I hope never fades, never leaves, never decides it's had enough and seeks out a more worthy man for such a wonderful gift. And still, as it slips into "late" I am hunting for words I cannot find. I could write poems and songs and stories for an eternity and not touch on this feeling that I thought I understood.
Maybe it is true. Maybe all the past, all the love I've been lucky enough to have. To have been so blessed with those women that have been so wonderful to me through my flaws. Maybe they were getting me ready. Maybe even this is getting me ready for something else...but right now it feels like the only thing.
I feel guilty for being happy. I feel guilty telling people, telling those whom i've cared about so much in the past. But then I hope that somewhere inside them they are happy for me, just as I am happy for their happinesses. I love them with a never-ending love from the depths of my soul. I would die for them, because they taught me to be love, they taught me how to be loved.
In the end of this i'll say that I want to read this again someday and I hope it still makes sense, I hope it still rings true. I hope and I hope and I dream and I wish and I even pray. That I am worthy of the people in my life that care about me as they do. I hope I can give them even a fraction of that in return.
And to you, who I will try to keep warm this winter, remember...We've only just begun.
1 comment:
I pulled a Fuz and looked back to your blog a year ago and read who you were then as compared to this post today. It's amazing the difference. It showed me that then you were scared and confused and hurting and stuck. Today, just one year later, the beautiful light that shines in front of you gives you endless hope and happiness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be poetic here, but what I'm trying to convey is how happy I am for you and how lucky I feel to be able to see the transformation. Hold on to the honeymoon feelings for as long as possible and tell all those naysayers to F-off!!!!! End scene.
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