A Letter To Myself

I am writing this to myself as a reminder. I am writing this to myself so that when the world is falling apart around me, when the avalanches of life are tumbling ever closer, I will have this to remember. Nothing was ever guaranteed to be simple, or easy, or without it's problems. My life, the one that surrounds me with amazing people, is the only one I have. I have struggled, and fallen, and struggled and fallen and I still fight to live. Even when I wonder why, I fight. I say that I'm a lover, not a fighter to people. Then sometimes I remember how much I've fought to love.

I am writing this to myself for when I want to give up. For when my trust in the people I love fails. I am flawed and always feel unworthy. I am always atoning for the sins of my past. I am always living with those sins, and they are a constant reminder of who I was, and who I will never be again. When they come to haunt me, to judge me, I fight for my sanity. I fight knowing that there are people there to fight with me if I need them, even though the battle is my own.

I love deeper than oceans. I love with my soul. I am blessed with a life that did not give up on me and I have a promise to keep. I will not give up on my life, even when I drown in the past, in the mistakes I make, in the mistakes I will make. I will not give up on life, and I will never give up on the people that I love. Love like a bright neon sign blinking to the universe.

I am writing this to myself to remember the small things that sometimes sit in shadows of bigger, more "important" parts of life. Those small things that make me, made me and continue to sculpt the person I am...I remember...

Standing on the beach, wearing my suit, and her in a dress ready for dinner
Standing on stage, in darkness, alone with my thoughts before a show and feeling the touch of beauty from all around me.
Singing to my grandparents on their 50th wedding anniversary
The first time I told someone I loved them and they weren't my family.
The first time I saw someone die.
Dancing without music, under stars, in the center of town.
Breaking my foot during a volleyball practice.
Standing on the beach head of the Saco river, talking to the moon.
Holding her hand on the drive home that New Years, and my soul was at peace.
Holding her hand on the drive out that New Years, and realizing what was missing.
Sleeping next to the people I love.
Making slightly intoxicated love in the back of my Jeep.
Listening to music I wrote being played by other people.
Riding my bicycle down Worthy Street, feeling the wind, feeling alive.
Loving and laughing and crying and yelling, all at the same person, and still they never left.

I remember that memories are precious and they have shaped me and that every moment, every thought, every action I've made, has helped make three words more powerful than all the hardest moments in my life...

I love you.

This is a letter to myself so that others can see who I am. A note to them. Some of them will read it and nod, or smile, or shake their heads at my sheer cheese. I look forward to the reactions, the comments, the moments shared. Any moment with the people i love is a moment I cherish.

This is a letter to myself, so that you, the one that I'm fighting for now, can see. I am not weak or ready to give up. I am not just going to run even if you hurt me. I want you to trust me, believe in me, understand me and be honest with me. I want to do the same for you. This effort is ours to make together, whether slowly or quickly down the road, we are traveling together. I want this road to be long, but for now, today is today and tomorrow is the future. No matter how this road twists and turns, and even if it comes time, someday, to take our own paths apart, know that the weight of my soul has been measured by your kiss. I know , that I could live without you, but I choose to fight for this love. I hope you'll fight for it too.