Flashback

I was numb. It was good. I was feeling things at my own discretion. A little emotion here, a little there. Nothing too intense. It was nice to be so controlled. Control-freak that I am, it was comforting to know the level of discipline I had over my emotional state. I worked long weeks, weekends. I interacted and laughed and played social. I'm good at social. I'm good at charming. I'm good at those things. This. This i'm not good at.

I have too many things to say. Too many things to apologize for. Too many regrets. I could have been there. I could have been living my life with those choices included. Instead I turned them off, sent them away. And the Murphy and her law came to play in the playground of my fucked up life.

Now i've missed opportunities. Now i've dismantled a friendship, a relationship. I've taken it apart and stored it for reference. I tried to control those things one should never control. Now it's all backfiring.

I'm not numb now. I'm full of emotions. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm angry at myself. I love unconditionally and to a fault. I want to be able to include, not exclude. Now it's almost too late and making up for lost time is virtually impossible.

I felt so right. I had thought it all through. Choices like those are not made so easily. Now it will haunt me. What I gave up. What I distanced, separated.

Because it hurt. Dammit that's not good enough! When did I become so weak? I know my hindsight is 20/20. I know we don't get second chances. Now, as I flashback to the times, to the feelings, to the words and the looks and those eyes, all I can do is break down. I call other men stupid when I hear what they've given up. Now i'm the fool. I'm the one who didn't know what they had until it was gone. I made it go. I'm guilty of these self-inflicted wounds of guilt and destruction.

I can close my eyes and think, and be swimming in those eyes. I can close my eyes and remember and see the smile in front of me, feel it radiating. I can close my eyes and try to sleep, but tonight is not for dreaming.