How Lucky

I have to tell you how lucky I am. I have to tell you that I'm ready to face these things in front of me. I'm ready to deal with all of the bullshit that will arise as I progress down this road. I'm ready because I have no choice. It's going to hurt and drive me insane. I'm going to have to trust some people more than I'm used to.

I'm going to be in control. I'm a control freak, confessed. I need this control. So many of the events in recent past are the way they are because a control I thought I had was imaginary. I will maintain my own level of comfort inside the discomfort. I will dance on the head of this pin and not fall as I have so many times before.

I said big things last night. I said them to someone who handled them, outwardly, well. I said them because I needed her to know I trust her. It worries me how I trust her. It worries me, the way her eyes look at me, analyze me because I cannot see the result of that analysis. I was intense and she just took it. I was open and honest and sappy and overly-romantic and she just smiled. I'm sure she was giggling inside more than once, even I know how ridiculous I can portray myself. She stayed. I don't mean physically either. She never left the table. I mean she stayed.

I can't say that I'm comfortable with some of the admissions I made. I think it's ok that I'm not comfortable though. I believe in her. I believe that now, at this point in my life, she has happened along by no small coincidence. The Hawaii rule was in effect the day I met her. That has never happened.

She knows i'm imperfect. She tells me sometimes. She knows that I'm intense and over-the-top and romantic and often ridiculous when speaking of my own life. She knows i'm honest to a fault with myself and with other people. She knows and stays. She knows and smiles. And her smile could make men start wars.