The day outside was bleak. I did not want to wake up, to climb out of my bed into the warmth that wasn't there. I didn't want to face a day that had so very little in it to distract me from my constant thoughts as of late.
Today filled itself. I got a christmas tree with my cousin and her boyfriend for her place (now my place as well.) We decorated, went grocery shopping, made dinner, just had a generally homebody/new england type Sunday. I was faded from the week and still I spent the day with part of me distracted.
Saturday was Garden State. It was grab some food from the pizza place and play with OnDemand and find Garden State and eat greasy food, smoke a little pot and watch. It was the day that I broke down and cried because of a movie like i've never done. I cried like a child. Then i fell back to sleep and went out later in the evening to wash away the faded thoughts.
I could do that for every day of this long weekend. I'll sum it up instead. For every action i did, for every function, meal, family member I spoke to, beer i drank, there was a small portion of me that was silent, brooding and on fire with anger and love and withdrawal.
And now it's faded because I am not sober. I haven't slept well lately. Why would tonight be any different.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Eden
All I want is the world
And everything for me
You can rattle off your talk
All that matters is what I see
If you break me down
Selfish desire is all you blame
Cause desperate times
Call for desperate measures
And I am not ashamed
Oh it took me a long time to come to this
And I have chosen my path
I am only for me
All my dreams are so closed
If I open them to you
You can count them all as lies
You can believe me or you can believe the truth
But I could let you in
Put your feelings on the shelf
There's only room cause it helps myself
Oh I could let you in
But it's to no avail
I only listen cause it helps myself
Oh it took me a long time to come to this
And I have chosen my path
I am only for me
I took a cane from a blind man
And I've tasted the fruit in the garden of Eden
When I walk out of here
I know I'll stand clear
But the taste in my mouth still remains
Still remains
Oh it took me a long time
I am only for me
===Guster
Friday, November 18, 2005
Seeing Double
I went with LegalQueer last night to see her favorite and, possibly, my favorite girl guitarist. Melissa was on fire last night. We went to the Iron Horse for five-thirty and managed to get great seats. We were staying for both shows (the 7pm and the 10pm) and had hoped to not have "lousy" seats. We snacked and talked and waited. The show started and Melissa was playing the flugelhorn for the first song of her opening act's set. It was amazing. I could use amazing in the post quite a bit but i'll try not to.
The opening act, Natalia Zuckerman was phenomenal and worth checking out. I bought one of her CDs. She was an interesting mix of blues, a little alt country, dashed with some good NYC flavor. She definitely held her own next to Melissa's unstoppable bursts of guitar energy when they played together. That is no small feat. She's in my CD player as i'm writing this.
Melissa took the stage both time and was just pure energy. If you could measure this woman's aura in front of a crowd it would bury the needle on every instrument. Even before she opens her mouth to sing, her guitar is screaming at you, "PAY ATTENTION, IT'S GONNA BE A HELL OF A RIDE!!". That's what it is every time. Every song and I can't tear my eyes away. My entire self just wants to be right there at that moment. She played songs i'd never heard. It didn't matter. The sound in the Iron Horse is perfect and the words echoed clearly over her guitar, whether it was roaring or yearning. I could go on for hours about her variations, her rhythm, her movements, and the overall beauty that is Melissa Ferrick on stage.
The one moment that is in front of my memory took place during the second show. After some of the more upbeat selections in the second set, the mood shifted in a moment and Melissa began to play Anything, Anywhere. And it was all I could do to not cry. I had heard the song before, but I have never had such a place for it in my mind, in my heart. Thank you, LegalQueer for showing me the wonder of her music, and thank you Melissa...for this...
I want you
To know me
To need me
Smile when I call your name
I want you
To never
Look at
Anyone else this way
So strange
This something
We have between us
And it's not fair
If you've never
Loved this way
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
I want you
To know that
I will always have you
No matter if never
Physically in my arms again
This love
Is like
Mercury
Splitting off
Endlessly
Every time I try
To nail it down
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Too bad
The best love hurts so much
But it's so good yes
The best love hurts so much
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Sing it right back
Sing it right back
Sing it right back
Back to me
Anything ... Anywhere
The opening act, Natalia Zuckerman was phenomenal and worth checking out. I bought one of her CDs. She was an interesting mix of blues, a little alt country, dashed with some good NYC flavor. She definitely held her own next to Melissa's unstoppable bursts of guitar energy when they played together. That is no small feat. She's in my CD player as i'm writing this.
Melissa took the stage both time and was just pure energy. If you could measure this woman's aura in front of a crowd it would bury the needle on every instrument. Even before she opens her mouth to sing, her guitar is screaming at you, "PAY ATTENTION, IT'S GONNA BE A HELL OF A RIDE!!". That's what it is every time. Every song and I can't tear my eyes away. My entire self just wants to be right there at that moment. She played songs i'd never heard. It didn't matter. The sound in the Iron Horse is perfect and the words echoed clearly over her guitar, whether it was roaring or yearning. I could go on for hours about her variations, her rhythm, her movements, and the overall beauty that is Melissa Ferrick on stage.
The one moment that is in front of my memory took place during the second show. After some of the more upbeat selections in the second set, the mood shifted in a moment and Melissa began to play Anything, Anywhere. And it was all I could do to not cry. I had heard the song before, but I have never had such a place for it in my mind, in my heart. Thank you, LegalQueer for showing me the wonder of her music, and thank you Melissa...for this...
I want you
To know me
To need me
Smile when I call your name
I want you
To never
Look at
Anyone else this way
So strange
This something
We have between us
And it's not fair
If you've never
Loved this way
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
I want you
To know that
I will always have you
No matter if never
Physically in my arms again
This love
Is like
Mercury
Splitting off
Endlessly
Every time I try
To nail it down
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Too bad
The best love hurts so much
But it's so good yes
The best love hurts so much
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Anything, anywhere
I would give everything I own away
Always I will sing
Picturing you singing right back to me
Sing it right back
Sing it right back
Sing it right back
Back to me
Anything ... Anywhere
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Poetic License
I'm sick. Physically not feeling well. I'm not quite on my deathbed but i'm ill enough to have stayed home every night since Sunday of this week. That's a big deal. I did venture out for coffee briefly the other night and it was great, but other than that i've been sitting here. I've been alternately depressed, happy, content, cold, warm, stuffy, coughing, teary-eyed, lamenting, reminiscing, longing, smiling, laughing, missing...
I'm not feeling in the least bit poetic at this moment. I'm feeling though. I'm feeling lots of things. I don't think they are things I can talk about here. I don't usually curb my thoughts here. But then, my thoughts are usually all decorated like some elegant dining room with way too much silverware and ridiculous chandeliers.
And now that i've written and erased and written and erased about ten things, I'm lost. I can't do this right now. Sorry for the tease, those of you that are reading this. Without some poetic license, sometimes it's just easier to say it straight.
I'm depressed, not feeling well and wishing on stars that I haven't seen for days. I guess you'd call this the "down" part of the cycle huh?
I'm not feeling in the least bit poetic at this moment. I'm feeling though. I'm feeling lots of things. I don't think they are things I can talk about here. I don't usually curb my thoughts here. But then, my thoughts are usually all decorated like some elegant dining room with way too much silverware and ridiculous chandeliers.
And now that i've written and erased and written and erased about ten things, I'm lost. I can't do this right now. Sorry for the tease, those of you that are reading this. Without some poetic license, sometimes it's just easier to say it straight.
I'm depressed, not feeling well and wishing on stars that I haven't seen for days. I guess you'd call this the "down" part of the cycle huh?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
A Sanctuary Safe And Strong
I think we all have to be alone. I was reading MissRachelle's latest post and she mentioned getting away to her "spot". I know what she means. I've always had a couple of places to go. I've always needed somewhere to run, regardless of the weather or the time or the season or the circumstances. I have a place I can escape everyone. Everyone except myself. Usually, that's why I'm going. I'm going because I need some time with just me. Maybe it's to think, maybe it's to feel, or maybe it's just to be without the need to explain.
I went there just the other day in fact. It was late, I was tired and still I needed to get away from the rest of life. I needed to sort things out. By the time I left, life was still there, my problems were still there, but i felt just a little bit more ready to deal with them. And the song that kept running through my head as I drove home was by a man that has gotten me through quite a bit of my life with his words...and sometimes he just hit the nail on the head.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
===Billy Joel
I went there just the other day in fact. It was late, I was tired and still I needed to get away from the rest of life. I needed to sort things out. By the time I left, life was still there, my problems were still there, but i felt just a little bit more ready to deal with them. And the song that kept running through my head as I drove home was by a man that has gotten me through quite a bit of my life with his words...and sometimes he just hit the nail on the head.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows
===Billy Joel
Monday, November 14, 2005
Presence And Absence
At once I feel alone and somehow comforted. Without this presence I've grown so accustomed to I have some emptiness inside that is both unexplainable and explained. I am balancing, like a good Libra, between those things that I need to do and those that I wish for. I'm waiting and constantly convincing myself that I should. That I need to wait, to fight, to make this thing worthwhile. What if that is not my choice to make?
I wake up and hope, I drift to sleep making wishes. I exist, in some sense, between the times I sleep, as a functional body. I move and work and laugh and watch myself from some third person view. I am going through the motions of life so life doesn't forget I'm here. All the while, distracted and meditative.
Such presence. Such overbearing power in the memories and the dreams I've had. Yet absence, like some wasted city block, stretches out in front of me. I have no control over it. I have no recourse from it. It is part of me, even the functional me. Behind every laugh i miss her lips. Behind every smile i see her face. Behind every conversation I am listening to her speaking. Some simultaneous presence and absence, drawing and quartering me into useless sections.
Wondering what will make me whole again.
I wake up and hope, I drift to sleep making wishes. I exist, in some sense, between the times I sleep, as a functional body. I move and work and laugh and watch myself from some third person view. I am going through the motions of life so life doesn't forget I'm here. All the while, distracted and meditative.
Such presence. Such overbearing power in the memories and the dreams I've had. Yet absence, like some wasted city block, stretches out in front of me. I have no control over it. I have no recourse from it. It is part of me, even the functional me. Behind every laugh i miss her lips. Behind every smile i see her face. Behind every conversation I am listening to her speaking. Some simultaneous presence and absence, drawing and quartering me into useless sections.
Wondering what will make me whole again.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
No Music For Dancing
I hate not knowing. The complete rage it causes is so deep seated it often scares my logical side. I need to know where I stand. I need to know what I am expected to do. It doesn't matter the context. In my job, in my life, in my relationships. I need to know where I belong in all of those things. Some of them I can discover on my own. Those that I cannot find on my own, where that knowing is dependent on another, are those that I fear the most.
I need to know. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me, clawing at the surface of my laid back facade. I need to understand because I don't want to fuck it up. I've never discriminated between those things that would hurt if I knew them and those that would not. I don't care if it's going to hurt. I'd rather hurt than not know, I'd rather be broken and know why then shattered and wondering. It's the person I am.
I'm disappointed in myself. I am weak and easily destroyed. I played, for so long, the game of being strong and confident. When the realization hits me that I am far from that it takes away a little of my identity. I need to know myself more than anything. When I discover something that I did not know, it infuriates me and I have to understand, I need to know what it is that makes that part of me tick the way it does. I need to count it's beats, understand it's rhythm so I can have some semblance of understanding.
Unanswered prayers, unanswered hopes and dreams. Life is made of them. The glass, it seems, is half empty for me right at the moment. Perhaps because of where I am, what I'm experiencing right now. Perhaps because of these new revelations about myself, about others. Perhaps because i'm growing again. Still my questions are unanswered, still I sit here broken with no hope of resolve. I am not dark now though, as I have been. Only dealing, learning, going through this with my head held as high as I can make it. I am here because of my choices, and I am strong enough to deal with them. It does not make anything easier. The one question I do know the answer to is what drives me.
I will make it through this.
I need to know. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me, clawing at the surface of my laid back facade. I need to understand because I don't want to fuck it up. I've never discriminated between those things that would hurt if I knew them and those that would not. I don't care if it's going to hurt. I'd rather hurt than not know, I'd rather be broken and know why then shattered and wondering. It's the person I am.
I'm disappointed in myself. I am weak and easily destroyed. I played, for so long, the game of being strong and confident. When the realization hits me that I am far from that it takes away a little of my identity. I need to know myself more than anything. When I discover something that I did not know, it infuriates me and I have to understand, I need to know what it is that makes that part of me tick the way it does. I need to count it's beats, understand it's rhythm so I can have some semblance of understanding.
Unanswered prayers, unanswered hopes and dreams. Life is made of them. The glass, it seems, is half empty for me right at the moment. Perhaps because of where I am, what I'm experiencing right now. Perhaps because of these new revelations about myself, about others. Perhaps because i'm growing again. Still my questions are unanswered, still I sit here broken with no hope of resolve. I am not dark now though, as I have been. Only dealing, learning, going through this with my head held as high as I can make it. I am here because of my choices, and I am strong enough to deal with them. It does not make anything easier. The one question I do know the answer to is what drives me.
I will make it through this.
River
I am a creature of the water. Neither of my astrological signs (I'm a cusp) would ever say that about me though. Still, I am. It was hard to get up today. It was hard to face the world again after this weekend, after these past days. I'm functioning but not well. I am alive. That much I am thankful for. Still, I am weighed down with so much. I remain functional out of necessity. Crawling into my bed and sleeping the world away just isn't an option any more.
Today, at lunch, I wasn't sure what I was going to eat. I'm on a limited budget this week and wasn't exactly hungry anyway. So I drove to the water. The river actually. Getting to the river took me past the center of town. Past memories. Dancing on that big round stone. Sitting at the fountain, laughing as it shut off right in front of us. Walking down along the train tracks, content to just be with each other.
Today I drove to the water, looking for some sort of comfort. Comfort from the turmoil. Comfort for my bruised heart. I didn't think I would find it. Then, Destiny seems to like throwing curve balls at me. I shed a tear for the first time in a week today. To my astonishment, it was not a tear of sadness. I am sad, depressed, and generally in a bad state. Still, the tears I shed were joyful tears.
I ran through the memories so fast in my head, and they were all so vivid. All the amazing moments, the perfection that I could remember. The shared looks, the shared emotion, the simple touch of a hand, the caress of lips. I watched the movie in my mind play through the past six weeks and smiled.
All I have now is what I keep within myself. I have hope that Destiny has a plan. I have memories that I would never trade. I have a direction, some purpose.
I wanted to share it all. I don't know if I will be allowed to. I have all of these things and I am still broken. Am I taking them for granted? Or does she stand there, blazing in my mind and overpowering all those other things. I want this to be "us" again. I want to make memories for the future. I would forgive and forgive and forgive for the chance.
And the logical side of me is screaming. But then, he usually is. I can't make sense of it, because it's a feeling. No matter what I want for myself, I want her to be happy more than anything.
And the water kept rushing past.
Today, at lunch, I wasn't sure what I was going to eat. I'm on a limited budget this week and wasn't exactly hungry anyway. So I drove to the water. The river actually. Getting to the river took me past the center of town. Past memories. Dancing on that big round stone. Sitting at the fountain, laughing as it shut off right in front of us. Walking down along the train tracks, content to just be with each other.
Today I drove to the water, looking for some sort of comfort. Comfort from the turmoil. Comfort for my bruised heart. I didn't think I would find it. Then, Destiny seems to like throwing curve balls at me. I shed a tear for the first time in a week today. To my astonishment, it was not a tear of sadness. I am sad, depressed, and generally in a bad state. Still, the tears I shed were joyful tears.
I ran through the memories so fast in my head, and they were all so vivid. All the amazing moments, the perfection that I could remember. The shared looks, the shared emotion, the simple touch of a hand, the caress of lips. I watched the movie in my mind play through the past six weeks and smiled.
All I have now is what I keep within myself. I have hope that Destiny has a plan. I have memories that I would never trade. I have a direction, some purpose.
I wanted to share it all. I don't know if I will be allowed to. I have all of these things and I am still broken. Am I taking them for granted? Or does she stand there, blazing in my mind and overpowering all those other things. I want this to be "us" again. I want to make memories for the future. I would forgive and forgive and forgive for the chance.
And the logical side of me is screaming. But then, he usually is. I can't make sense of it, because it's a feeling. No matter what I want for myself, I want her to be happy more than anything.
And the water kept rushing past.
1000 Words
A picture is worth a thousand words. So then, the picture of you I have on my desktop is thousands of words long. Then there are the words across the top of the picture. Words I see every time i look at my computer screen, every time i close a window or open my laptop...
"Thinking of you"
That is what I'm doing right now. Worrying and hoping and loving you. No matter how many words are said or not said, you will be on my mind, in my heart, and that picture will never change.
"Thinking of you"
That is what I'm doing right now. Worrying and hoping and loving you. No matter how many words are said or not said, you will be on my mind, in my heart, and that picture will never change.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Namesake
I have written about mountains and lakes and islands. I have written about faces and hands and eyes. I have written about travels and journeys and adventures. I have made up stories and had stories make me up. I have played games of chance with the devil as often as I've made my peace with God. I have sinned more times than I can count. I have loved deeper than can be explained. I have ridden on the backs of dragons in my dreams while reality delivered blow after blow. I have put my faith in things that should never be trusted and I have fallen so far I often remember how it feels, even when the light is bright on my face.
Darkness is a haven. There is no evil in the darkness that comforts me. In all absence of light the truest nature of the world is there. Without light to change things, the darkness is honesty. Without the image all we have is the emotion, the feeling, the gut reaction that guides.
I am discontent now. I can feel the chill seeping in. I can feel the difficulty this winter brings. I hope with wishes and dreams that this winter passes without so much of what I fear. I am surrounded by the amazing. I am surrounded and in love. I should be content with these new found comforts, as mundane as some are and as special as she is.
Tonight I am not sad, or angry. I am not sinking into some depression or being dragged down. I am just quiet. Thoughtful. Thinking of her, thinking of this, thinking of tomorrow. Thinking about yesterday. Remembering those moments i've memorized. Those parts of me that life changed and I changed.
I have written about dancing and singing. I have written about loving and hating. I have written with music pulsing through me and I have written in silence. I have sacrificed, I have suffered, I have wept. I have been given great gifts and taught great lessons and been loved by those who would accept me for who I am.
I can feel the winter quietly making it's way here, hiding behind beautiful days. I can feel the discontent in myself, the changes I can feel coming and I hope will be beautiful.
I have lived and wished to die. Tonight, hunched over and writing, I have a different wish. A wish to live for the present and cherish the past and fear the stunning beauty that I pray will be the future.
"Now is the winter of our discontent..."
Darkness is a haven. There is no evil in the darkness that comforts me. In all absence of light the truest nature of the world is there. Without light to change things, the darkness is honesty. Without the image all we have is the emotion, the feeling, the gut reaction that guides.
I am discontent now. I can feel the chill seeping in. I can feel the difficulty this winter brings. I hope with wishes and dreams that this winter passes without so much of what I fear. I am surrounded by the amazing. I am surrounded and in love. I should be content with these new found comforts, as mundane as some are and as special as she is.
Tonight I am not sad, or angry. I am not sinking into some depression or being dragged down. I am just quiet. Thoughtful. Thinking of her, thinking of this, thinking of tomorrow. Thinking about yesterday. Remembering those moments i've memorized. Those parts of me that life changed and I changed.
I have written about dancing and singing. I have written about loving and hating. I have written with music pulsing through me and I have written in silence. I have sacrificed, I have suffered, I have wept. I have been given great gifts and taught great lessons and been loved by those who would accept me for who I am.
I can feel the winter quietly making it's way here, hiding behind beautiful days. I can feel the discontent in myself, the changes I can feel coming and I hope will be beautiful.
I have lived and wished to die. Tonight, hunched over and writing, I have a different wish. A wish to live for the present and cherish the past and fear the stunning beauty that I pray will be the future.
"Now is the winter of our discontent..."
Constantly
Last night was strange. It was a Wednesday but I didn't have class. I was planning on attending anyway, but came to find it would have been strange for me to just "show up". I decided I didn't want to risk the important things (and important people) by being there. So, instead, I went to see The Constant Gardener with Kizzle.
The movie was amazing and brought up a very poignant thought in my mind. Aside from it's messages and it's story line and all of it's amazing camera work, the movie made me remember that THESE are the kinds of movies I truly love. Movies that make you think, that evolve and don't stand stagnant on the screen, same old characters, same old ideas. These movies, most of which start off as limited release, seem to be catching hold of me recently. I hope to catch more of them.
Then after the movie it was driving home. My lovely one called while I was in the car and I couldn't hear her very well. We talked for a moment and when we got off the phone I was quiet. I had been thinking about her all night, and hearing her voice quieted me in such a deep way. My soul was still for a moment with the thoughts of her now reeling in the forefront of my mind. Even when other things in the world are happening, even when I am living and she is living and even if we are apart, she is there. And when my mind is on other things, it is my soul that is lost in memories of her...
...constantly.
The movie was amazing and brought up a very poignant thought in my mind. Aside from it's messages and it's story line and all of it's amazing camera work, the movie made me remember that THESE are the kinds of movies I truly love. Movies that make you think, that evolve and don't stand stagnant on the screen, same old characters, same old ideas. These movies, most of which start off as limited release, seem to be catching hold of me recently. I hope to catch more of them.
Then after the movie it was driving home. My lovely one called while I was in the car and I couldn't hear her very well. We talked for a moment and when we got off the phone I was quiet. I had been thinking about her all night, and hearing her voice quieted me in such a deep way. My soul was still for a moment with the thoughts of her now reeling in the forefront of my mind. Even when other things in the world are happening, even when I am living and she is living and even if we are apart, she is there. And when my mind is on other things, it is my soul that is lost in memories of her...
...constantly.
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