River

I am a creature of the water. Neither of my astrological signs (I'm a cusp) would ever say that about me though. Still, I am. It was hard to get up today. It was hard to face the world again after this weekend, after these past days. I'm functioning but not well. I am alive. That much I am thankful for. Still, I am weighed down with so much. I remain functional out of necessity. Crawling into my bed and sleeping the world away just isn't an option any more.

Today, at lunch, I wasn't sure what I was going to eat. I'm on a limited budget this week and wasn't exactly hungry anyway. So I drove to the water. The river actually. Getting to the river took me past the center of town. Past memories. Dancing on that big round stone. Sitting at the fountain, laughing as it shut off right in front of us. Walking down along the train tracks, content to just be with each other.

Today I drove to the water, looking for some sort of comfort. Comfort from the turmoil. Comfort for my bruised heart. I didn't think I would find it. Then, Destiny seems to like throwing curve balls at me. I shed a tear for the first time in a week today. To my astonishment, it was not a tear of sadness. I am sad, depressed, and generally in a bad state. Still, the tears I shed were joyful tears.

I ran through the memories so fast in my head, and they were all so vivid. All the amazing moments, the perfection that I could remember. The shared looks, the shared emotion, the simple touch of a hand, the caress of lips. I watched the movie in my mind play through the past six weeks and smiled.

All I have now is what I keep within myself. I have hope that Destiny has a plan. I have memories that I would never trade. I have a direction, some purpose.

I wanted to share it all. I don't know if I will be allowed to. I have all of these things and I am still broken. Am I taking them for granted? Or does she stand there, blazing in my mind and overpowering all those other things. I want this to be "us" again. I want to make memories for the future. I would forgive and forgive and forgive for the chance.

And the logical side of me is screaming. But then, he usually is. I can't make sense of it, because it's a feeling. No matter what I want for myself, I want her to be happy more than anything.

And the water kept rushing past.