Namesake

I have written about mountains and lakes and islands. I have written about faces and hands and eyes. I have written about travels and journeys and adventures. I have made up stories and had stories make me up. I have played games of chance with the devil as often as I've made my peace with God. I have sinned more times than I can count. I have loved deeper than can be explained. I have ridden on the backs of dragons in my dreams while reality delivered blow after blow. I have put my faith in things that should never be trusted and I have fallen so far I often remember how it feels, even when the light is bright on my face.

Darkness is a haven. There is no evil in the darkness that comforts me. In all absence of light the truest nature of the world is there. Without light to change things, the darkness is honesty. Without the image all we have is the emotion, the feeling, the gut reaction that guides.

I am discontent now. I can feel the chill seeping in. I can feel the difficulty this winter brings. I hope with wishes and dreams that this winter passes without so much of what I fear. I am surrounded by the amazing. I am surrounded and in love. I should be content with these new found comforts, as mundane as some are and as special as she is.

Tonight I am not sad, or angry. I am not sinking into some depression or being dragged down. I am just quiet. Thoughtful. Thinking of her, thinking of this, thinking of tomorrow. Thinking about yesterday. Remembering those moments i've memorized. Those parts of me that life changed and I changed.

I have written about dancing and singing. I have written about loving and hating. I have written with music pulsing through me and I have written in silence. I have sacrificed, I have suffered, I have wept. I have been given great gifts and taught great lessons and been loved by those who would accept me for who I am.

I can feel the winter quietly making it's way here, hiding behind beautiful days. I can feel the discontent in myself, the changes I can feel coming and I hope will be beautiful.

I have lived and wished to die. Tonight, hunched over and writing, I have a different wish. A wish to live for the present and cherish the past and fear the stunning beauty that I pray will be the future.

"Now is the winter of our discontent..."