No Music For Dancing

I hate not knowing. The complete rage it causes is so deep seated it often scares my logical side. I need to know where I stand. I need to know what I am expected to do. It doesn't matter the context. In my job, in my life, in my relationships. I need to know where I belong in all of those things. Some of them I can discover on my own. Those that I cannot find on my own, where that knowing is dependent on another, are those that I fear the most.

I need to know. Maybe it's the control freak inside of me, clawing at the surface of my laid back facade. I need to understand because I don't want to fuck it up. I've never discriminated between those things that would hurt if I knew them and those that would not. I don't care if it's going to hurt. I'd rather hurt than not know, I'd rather be broken and know why then shattered and wondering. It's the person I am.

I'm disappointed in myself. I am weak and easily destroyed. I played, for so long, the game of being strong and confident. When the realization hits me that I am far from that it takes away a little of my identity. I need to know myself more than anything. When I discover something that I did not know, it infuriates me and I have to understand, I need to know what it is that makes that part of me tick the way it does. I need to count it's beats, understand it's rhythm so I can have some semblance of understanding.

Unanswered prayers, unanswered hopes and dreams. Life is made of them. The glass, it seems, is half empty for me right at the moment. Perhaps because of where I am, what I'm experiencing right now. Perhaps because of these new revelations about myself, about others. Perhaps because i'm growing again. Still my questions are unanswered, still I sit here broken with no hope of resolve. I am not dark now though, as I have been. Only dealing, learning, going through this with my head held as high as I can make it. I am here because of my choices, and I am strong enough to deal with them. It does not make anything easier. The one question I do know the answer to is what drives me.

I will make it through this.