This may well be a 2 post day. I was reading about all of the paganism in our Christmas. I always find it so interesting how religions plagiarize each other to make it easier for the converts. I'm certainly not going to get into a rant about that on Christmas morning, but i did think it was interesting.
Last night was, as usual, a great time with family and friends. It was excellent to see those people we only see once a year. The resolution is always the same. "We'll have to get together after the holidays." It usually doesn't happen, but the sentiment seems to be unavoidable.
Speaking of unavoidable, Libra and GrenadeBoy came with us to the family gathering last night. I was really excited that they could attend. They didn't stay for all that long, and they definitely missed a couple of crowning moments of the evening, but I hope they enjoyed their time. I know i did. Somehow, it meant quite a bit to me to have them there. They have had more effect on my life recently than i care to admit sometimes and it was nice to be able to share my life with them even more. So thank you both, if you happen to read this. And, if I were GrenadeBoy, i wouldn't even have made it through dinner before your wiles swept me out the door, Libra. :)
I got a showerhead from the Fiance. Does it sound mundane? It's not. I have wanted one of those for a long time. It's a Cascadia. It simulates rain fall. Incredible. She remembered that I wanted one. It was one of the best Christmas-morning showers i've had in my life. Sometimes it's the small things that count.
Today is sure to be filled with interesting stories and memories. I will attempt to post again when i get home. I'm hoping for coherency.
Happy Christmas
Things I learned today: (yesterday)
- Denying being sick doesn't make it go away.
- Creation and Destruction are sisters.
- Sometimes the hardest part is the publicity.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
No Control
Just letting everything go is harder than one might imagine. This weekt that i've been away from my blog i've had various reasons for not posting. Sometimes it was fear of what I might say. Other times I began to type, often in an entirely exhausted state, and upon brief review found it wasn't worth posting what I had written. Today is another day though. Some things need to be out of my system.
I've always believed that the "L" word wasn't something you could see coming. In fact, i always thought that really important relationships regardless of their caliber were going to happen with no attempt on our parts to find them or make them happen. It wasn't a creeping kind of feeling. It was a smack me in the face kind of feeling. I'd always read about it like that and the few times i'd experienced it that was how it had been. But my theory was always full of doubt. Now I can rest easy knowing that what we think in our heads and what happens in our hearts stand together but alone. There is no control when it happens. There should never be control over such a wonderful thing. I should thank Libra and GrenadeBoy.
As for my friend in plain sight. I'm still working on a good nickname for her so I can reference her here anonymously. I'll try and come up with something by the end of this paragraph...
...Eliza. Because she can be the prim proper picture of a homemaker but inside she is wild and needs to be free.
So we went out last night. What an amazing time. I felt so alive and I know Eliza did too. We wound up at 2 different places. We were hanging out with the guys from the radio station most of the evening. It was a great time. I remember so many things, but I don't have the space to list them all. I remember Theresa and Michael Knight and House of Pain and the beer flowing and the smoke and the mega-heineken and the guy outside giving the girls a hard time and Eliza giving lessons on how to pick up chicks. I remember watching Eliza. I remember the aura she gave off. It was intoxicating to me, i can't imagine what it did to some of the others around her. We fit into the situation. I've always loved crowds, music, parties, places where people are alive. I was alive last night.
Things i learned today: (This week)
- Calzones with no Ricotta cheese. Love 'em. Call me a bad italian, i don't care.
- Christmas shopping...no thank you. Besides, my bank account was laughing at me the entire time.
- My faith in Destiny's ability has been restored.
- When it rains it pours, usually on me.
- Ani was right..."Love is like falling and falling is like this."
- My beer of choice is Gin.
- Honesty is good. Honest is hard. Honesty makes people run away sometimes. I'm very happy she didn't.
- Ignoring problems doesn't solve them, but it makes waking up less difficult.
I've always believed that the "L" word wasn't something you could see coming. In fact, i always thought that really important relationships regardless of their caliber were going to happen with no attempt on our parts to find them or make them happen. It wasn't a creeping kind of feeling. It was a smack me in the face kind of feeling. I'd always read about it like that and the few times i'd experienced it that was how it had been. But my theory was always full of doubt. Now I can rest easy knowing that what we think in our heads and what happens in our hearts stand together but alone. There is no control when it happens. There should never be control over such a wonderful thing. I should thank Libra and GrenadeBoy.
As for my friend in plain sight. I'm still working on a good nickname for her so I can reference her here anonymously. I'll try and come up with something by the end of this paragraph...
...Eliza. Because she can be the prim proper picture of a homemaker but inside she is wild and needs to be free.
So we went out last night. What an amazing time. I felt so alive and I know Eliza did too. We wound up at 2 different places. We were hanging out with the guys from the radio station most of the evening. It was a great time. I remember so many things, but I don't have the space to list them all. I remember Theresa and Michael Knight and House of Pain and the beer flowing and the smoke and the mega-heineken and the guy outside giving the girls a hard time and Eliza giving lessons on how to pick up chicks. I remember watching Eliza. I remember the aura she gave off. It was intoxicating to me, i can't imagine what it did to some of the others around her. We fit into the situation. I've always loved crowds, music, parties, places where people are alive. I was alive last night.
Things i learned today: (This week)
- Calzones with no Ricotta cheese. Love 'em. Call me a bad italian, i don't care.
- Christmas shopping...no thank you. Besides, my bank account was laughing at me the entire time.
- My faith in Destiny's ability has been restored.
- When it rains it pours, usually on me.
- Ani was right..."Love is like falling and falling is like this."
- My beer of choice is Gin.
- Honesty is good. Honest is hard. Honesty makes people run away sometimes. I'm very happy she didn't.
- Ignoring problems doesn't solve them, but it makes waking up less difficult.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Fire
That's exactly what it reminds me of. I sit here, tired from this week, tired just thinking about the weekend and the week ahead. I keep running today and yesterday through my head. I keep trying to remember everything I said, everything that was said to me. It's like fire, it burns and changes so quickly. I don't want to forget. And like fire, these few days have been beautiful but deadly. Deadly because if they had continued they would have killed me. Beautiful because every moment seemed filled with new life, new paths untraveled, new friends, new love. It makes me smile. It made me cry. It made me realize so much. Some of those realizations were more painful than i could describe here.
I found a friend in plain sight. She was right there all the time, but I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to her. I mean actually talk to her, not just chat in a social situation. It was exciting. I found i had things to say to her that I hadn't realized were there. Beauty, it seems, doesn't often know it's own appearance.
There's too much for tonight. I have so many other things I need to write here. I love it here. I feel so free and creative. I need this now, it's almost an addiction. I'll leave it unfinished for now...
Things I learned today:
- Just because he didn't show up, doesn't mean you aren't one of the most beautiful people i've ever met.
- If i could change one thing...but I can't.
- Honesty. It's not just a word, it's an adventure.
- You don't pursue happiness, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel comfortable.
I found a friend in plain sight. She was right there all the time, but I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to her. I mean actually talk to her, not just chat in a social situation. It was exciting. I found i had things to say to her that I hadn't realized were there. Beauty, it seems, doesn't often know it's own appearance.
There's too much for tonight. I have so many other things I need to write here. I love it here. I feel so free and creative. I need this now, it's almost an addiction. I'll leave it unfinished for now...
Things I learned today:
- Just because he didn't show up, doesn't mean you aren't one of the most beautiful people i've ever met.
- If i could change one thing...but I can't.
- Honesty. It's not just a word, it's an adventure.
- You don't pursue happiness, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel comfortable.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Insomnia
3:30...3:31...3:32...And so I lay in bed. That state of not asleep yet not entirely awake teases you. At times I almost felt like I was drifting off, only to feel my eyes open and stare, once again, into nothingness.
Somehow I experienced a combination of one of the best and worst evenings in recent memory. Creativity was flowing, dancing in front of me, tempting me to hold on. Somehow it wasn't enough, and I watched inevitability take it's place. I watched myself say things, react to things, and try not to react. I had the best of intentions in all my actions but they seemed to falter. My timing was off, my sense of the world around me blurred and transient. I could spend hours going over what I shouldn't have done. I could spend hours going over what I did. It doesn't matter. I watched myself traverse that evening of conversation and creativity, and somehow i had no input into my own action. That's the problem with the past. I can't seem to change it. Living with it is the best I can hope for. Praying the damage isn't too severe. I'd be rich if i'd invent a machine to give me a dollar every time i say "I don't know".
Now, after laying in bed until somewhere close to 7am, I am watching myself move and talk and laugh. It's a surreal feeling. I feel very outside myself. I need to sleep, but even if i get the opportunity to sleep today, I doubt i'll be able to.
Things I learned today:
- From where I'm standing, i'm pretty damn lucky. I'm also broke, tired, my outlook is detestable. But still, damn lucky.
- Buried in regret, I wonder what's keeping me sane.
- "The world is square." "Cool, good thing we're not."
Somehow I experienced a combination of one of the best and worst evenings in recent memory. Creativity was flowing, dancing in front of me, tempting me to hold on. Somehow it wasn't enough, and I watched inevitability take it's place. I watched myself say things, react to things, and try not to react. I had the best of intentions in all my actions but they seemed to falter. My timing was off, my sense of the world around me blurred and transient. I could spend hours going over what I shouldn't have done. I could spend hours going over what I did. It doesn't matter. I watched myself traverse that evening of conversation and creativity, and somehow i had no input into my own action. That's the problem with the past. I can't seem to change it. Living with it is the best I can hope for. Praying the damage isn't too severe. I'd be rich if i'd invent a machine to give me a dollar every time i say "I don't know".
Now, after laying in bed until somewhere close to 7am, I am watching myself move and talk and laugh. It's a surreal feeling. I feel very outside myself. I need to sleep, but even if i get the opportunity to sleep today, I doubt i'll be able to.
Things I learned today:
- From where I'm standing, i'm pretty damn lucky. I'm also broke, tired, my outlook is detestable. But still, damn lucky.
- Buried in regret, I wonder what's keeping me sane.
- "The world is square." "Cool, good thing we're not."
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Pendulum
One day this will all be easier. One day this will all make sense and I'll look back on some of these thoughts and chuckle to myself. I'll laugh at the absurdity. The privilege of aging is that the past is always the past and one need not look on it's more depressing moments if one does not wish to. But then, sometimes they look on us.
There is always more for the telling than i can tell. There is always something here that is secret and something there that cannot be shared. I am cursed by my own past, whether i look on it or not. It knows i'm here and, sometimes, slips out from under the carpet in my mind to say "remember me". I have my own personal dust bunny reminders of those things in my life that, though i wish i could, i can't forget.
Our past defines us. What I fear about my past is that it will define my future. I am made up of the experiences in my life. I am made of those things that, whether consciously or subconsciously, I retained and integrated. I fear the future. I worry that something will define me without my knowledge. I worry that I will define myself through someone else.
I care too much. I love too deeply. I think too strongly. I fall too quickly. I am indecisive and insecure and incapable of admitting it. I am strong and tireless and the world's problems roll off my shoulders. I am an actor, a lover, a musician, a fool, a friend. I am in love and shattered and content and complacent and confused and crystal clear. I am a pendulum.
Things i learned today:
- Instant Messenger has made the world smaller.
- A smile can be tragic.
- A frown can be euphoric.
- I don't have enough time to talk to you about everything.
- When indecision begins to manifest physically, it's time to decide.
- When all else fails, take a nap.
There is always more for the telling than i can tell. There is always something here that is secret and something there that cannot be shared. I am cursed by my own past, whether i look on it or not. It knows i'm here and, sometimes, slips out from under the carpet in my mind to say "remember me". I have my own personal dust bunny reminders of those things in my life that, though i wish i could, i can't forget.
Our past defines us. What I fear about my past is that it will define my future. I am made up of the experiences in my life. I am made of those things that, whether consciously or subconsciously, I retained and integrated. I fear the future. I worry that something will define me without my knowledge. I worry that I will define myself through someone else.
I care too much. I love too deeply. I think too strongly. I fall too quickly. I am indecisive and insecure and incapable of admitting it. I am strong and tireless and the world's problems roll off my shoulders. I am an actor, a lover, a musician, a fool, a friend. I am in love and shattered and content and complacent and confused and crystal clear. I am a pendulum.
Things i learned today:
- Instant Messenger has made the world smaller.
- A smile can be tragic.
- A frown can be euphoric.
- I don't have enough time to talk to you about everything.
- When indecision begins to manifest physically, it's time to decide.
- When all else fails, take a nap.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Fairy Tale Requiem
Suffering, Pain, loss, destruction, ya know...human nature. Loving, lusting, breaking, destroying, caring, amazing, ya know...human nature. I don't believe in believing any more. I believe truth is something we seek and never find. Trust is earned and broken, love is found and then lost. Human Nature? How about universally shitty. Where the hell is my fairy tale. I've altered my perceptions to find it. I've stayed awake for days looking. I've spent countless hours trying to puzzle out where my fairy tale could be.
It eludes me. It plays games with me, fooling me with oases of hope and love and trust, only to fade into the heat of the everyday humdrum like some mirage conjured soley to disappoint me. I wet my lips with what little water i have left and then press ever onward, hoping i find my fairy tale before i write my requiem.
Things i learned today:
- The only thing i'll ever hate about you is that part I can't have.
- Parallels draw people together.
- Blogging at 2am takes dedication, or maybe stupidity.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not always of the people it should.
It eludes me. It plays games with me, fooling me with oases of hope and love and trust, only to fade into the heat of the everyday humdrum like some mirage conjured soley to disappoint me. I wet my lips with what little water i have left and then press ever onward, hoping i find my fairy tale before i write my requiem.
Things i learned today:
- The only thing i'll ever hate about you is that part I can't have.
- Parallels draw people together.
- Blogging at 2am takes dedication, or maybe stupidity.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not always of the people it should.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Astrological
Figured i'd break the mold tonight. This is a song I wrote. I like it. It's not all set to music yet, but I think it might have potential.
"Astrological"
-----------------------
I had to lie
Down to the bottom
Star crossed lover
Balancing
I had to stay
This weight keeps shifting
Blue sky eyes
Balancing
I had to walk
This tight rope holds me
Friends not lovers
Balancing
This is no way to remember
Just hold back this act is killing me
I feel so cold this warm november
And after late night conversation
I get to feeling astrological
I have to lie
Down to the bottom
Solitary Libra
Balancing
This is no way to get over
just hold back this act is killing me
I felt so cold this warm october
And after late night inspiration
I get to feeling astrological
---------------------------------
Things i learned today:
- Sleep is my favorite addiction.
- Trying isn't always easy, because life can be very trying.
- Winter is coming.
"Astrological"
-----------------------
I had to lie
Down to the bottom
Star crossed lover
Balancing
I had to stay
This weight keeps shifting
Blue sky eyes
Balancing
I had to walk
This tight rope holds me
Friends not lovers
Balancing
This is no way to remember
Just hold back this act is killing me
I feel so cold this warm november
And after late night conversation
I get to feeling astrological
I have to lie
Down to the bottom
Solitary Libra
Balancing
This is no way to get over
just hold back this act is killing me
I felt so cold this warm october
And after late night inspiration
I get to feeling astrological
---------------------------------
Things i learned today:
- Sleep is my favorite addiction.
- Trying isn't always easy, because life can be very trying.
- Winter is coming.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Holidaze
I have a feeling the next few weeks of my life will be (as previously mentioned) a blur and then some. Looking at my schedule i cringe. Looking at the weather outside i want to cry. I'm just not ready for any of this.
This was slowly leaning toward mushy and eccentric tonight. I've pulled it away, deleting a paragraph of sap and crap...
Today should have been busy. I can honestly THANK the snow for something though. It scares the crap out of New Englanders. So i watched a movie and ate chinese food with Libra. I need whole days to spend with her sometimes (though i don't know if she'd appreciate that) just so we can finish all the bloody conversations we start. It's a frustrating, yet good, feeling to not be able to squeeze it all in.
Tonight, the fiance and I went grocery shopping. What fun that is. I feel so damn domestic when i come home from the grocery store. Pushing that cart with the one wheel that sticks a bit, deciding which meat and cereal to get and what's on sale this week. It's sickening to a large part of me, but it's comforting sometimes as well. Tonight brought about all the sickening parts. I did make it out with some chocolate cracker things, so color me excited.
Tomorrow is sure to be hellish. The day after continues the saga. If i could see a breather in sight i'd feel better. All i see in sight are bills and holidays. And here i'll be, in a daze, groaning at the alarm clock and cursing my bank account.
Things i learned today:
- I truly hate snow. I have too many reasons to list here, and it might make the faint of heart cry.
- Only Keanu Reeves could get upstaged by a poor makeup job.
- I love fortune cookies.
- Just when i think i know how cruel the universe really is, it adds something else to the list.
- word Cotton.
This was slowly leaning toward mushy and eccentric tonight. I've pulled it away, deleting a paragraph of sap and crap...
Today should have been busy. I can honestly THANK the snow for something though. It scares the crap out of New Englanders. So i watched a movie and ate chinese food with Libra. I need whole days to spend with her sometimes (though i don't know if she'd appreciate that) just so we can finish all the bloody conversations we start. It's a frustrating, yet good, feeling to not be able to squeeze it all in.
Tonight, the fiance and I went grocery shopping. What fun that is. I feel so damn domestic when i come home from the grocery store. Pushing that cart with the one wheel that sticks a bit, deciding which meat and cereal to get and what's on sale this week. It's sickening to a large part of me, but it's comforting sometimes as well. Tonight brought about all the sickening parts. I did make it out with some chocolate cracker things, so color me excited.
Tomorrow is sure to be hellish. The day after continues the saga. If i could see a breather in sight i'd feel better. All i see in sight are bills and holidays. And here i'll be, in a daze, groaning at the alarm clock and cursing my bank account.
Things i learned today:
- I truly hate snow. I have too many reasons to list here, and it might make the faint of heart cry.
- Only Keanu Reeves could get upstaged by a poor makeup job.
- I love fortune cookies.
- Just when i think i know how cruel the universe really is, it adds something else to the list.
- word Cotton.
Friday, December 03, 2004
If wishes were horses
In my current state, or should i say "mood", some people would advise me not to write in my blog. I didn't listen. So many random thoughts are chasing me in circles around my mind, I have to get some of them out of here.
What day is it? They seem to blur. Like looking out the window of a car at the curb. The line is there, steady and unbroken as you travel, but it's details are missing. That has been the past few days. Hell, that's been the past few years. Every once in a while things slow down, but those moments seem few and far between lately.
Emotions run wild. Though it's strange, I was writing songs like it was my job for a few weeks. Now they seem to have all slipped away for the time being. I'm not even sure why. I could formulate some theories, but I'm almost scared to. I think not feeling too good right now has put me into quite a funk.
I finally finished the first of the three books Libra suggested I read. I was up quite late last night finishing it and then, of course, i had to call her to talk about it. I couldn't get out much beyond "Oh my God!" for the first couple minutes of our conversation. I was so dumbstruck by the whole thing. I am looking forward to more, though I wish I could read at light speed so I know what happens now!! I would thank her for sharing such an amazing story with me but curse her for sharing the obsession. I suppose, with some things you get both, even if you don't want them.
Things i learned today (this week):
- The look is always the same on everyone.
- There is nothing like a good christmas heater...i mean carol to lift my spirits.
- Sometimes, I'm not so sure of being so sure of anything.
- The all night phone call. It brings back memories. It makes new ones too.
What day is it? They seem to blur. Like looking out the window of a car at the curb. The line is there, steady and unbroken as you travel, but it's details are missing. That has been the past few days. Hell, that's been the past few years. Every once in a while things slow down, but those moments seem few and far between lately.
Emotions run wild. Though it's strange, I was writing songs like it was my job for a few weeks. Now they seem to have all slipped away for the time being. I'm not even sure why. I could formulate some theories, but I'm almost scared to. I think not feeling too good right now has put me into quite a funk.
I finally finished the first of the three books Libra suggested I read. I was up quite late last night finishing it and then, of course, i had to call her to talk about it. I couldn't get out much beyond "Oh my God!" for the first couple minutes of our conversation. I was so dumbstruck by the whole thing. I am looking forward to more, though I wish I could read at light speed so I know what happens now!! I would thank her for sharing such an amazing story with me but curse her for sharing the obsession. I suppose, with some things you get both, even if you don't want them.
Things i learned today (this week):
- The look is always the same on everyone.
- There is nothing like a good christmas heater...i mean carol to lift my spirits.
- Sometimes, I'm not so sure of being so sure of anything.
- The all night phone call. It brings back memories. It makes new ones too.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
No Words
Say something softly
And remember how important
Remember the way it was and the way it will be
All this time I dream while conscious
How will I wake up tomorrow.
Things I learned today:
- Life doesn't kick one in the ass lightly.
- I'll never forget.
And remember how important
Remember the way it was and the way it will be
All this time I dream while conscious
How will I wake up tomorrow.
Things I learned today:
- Life doesn't kick one in the ass lightly.
- I'll never forget.
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