Insomnia

3:30...3:31...3:32...And so I lay in bed. That state of not asleep yet not entirely awake teases you. At times I almost felt like I was drifting off, only to feel my eyes open and stare, once again, into nothingness.

Somehow I experienced a combination of one of the best and worst evenings in recent memory. Creativity was flowing, dancing in front of me, tempting me to hold on. Somehow it wasn't enough, and I watched inevitability take it's place. I watched myself say things, react to things, and try not to react. I had the best of intentions in all my actions but they seemed to falter. My timing was off, my sense of the world around me blurred and transient. I could spend hours going over what I shouldn't have done. I could spend hours going over what I did. It doesn't matter. I watched myself traverse that evening of conversation and creativity, and somehow i had no input into my own action. That's the problem with the past. I can't seem to change it. Living with it is the best I can hope for. Praying the damage isn't too severe. I'd be rich if i'd invent a machine to give me a dollar every time i say "I don't know".

Now, after laying in bed until somewhere close to 7am, I am watching myself move and talk and laugh. It's a surreal feeling. I feel very outside myself. I need to sleep, but even if i get the opportunity to sleep today, I doubt i'll be able to.

Things I learned today:
- From where I'm standing, i'm pretty damn lucky. I'm also broke, tired, my outlook is detestable. But still, damn lucky.
- Buried in regret, I wonder what's keeping me sane.
- "The world is square." "Cool, good thing we're not."