Pendulum

One day this will all be easier. One day this will all make sense and I'll look back on some of these thoughts and chuckle to myself. I'll laugh at the absurdity. The privilege of aging is that the past is always the past and one need not look on it's more depressing moments if one does not wish to. But then, sometimes they look on us.

There is always more for the telling than i can tell. There is always something here that is secret and something there that cannot be shared. I am cursed by my own past, whether i look on it or not. It knows i'm here and, sometimes, slips out from under the carpet in my mind to say "remember me". I have my own personal dust bunny reminders of those things in my life that, though i wish i could, i can't forget.

Our past defines us. What I fear about my past is that it will define my future. I am made up of the experiences in my life. I am made of those things that, whether consciously or subconsciously, I retained and integrated. I fear the future. I worry that something will define me without my knowledge. I worry that I will define myself through someone else.

I care too much. I love too deeply. I think too strongly. I fall too quickly. I am indecisive and insecure and incapable of admitting it. I am strong and tireless and the world's problems roll off my shoulders. I am an actor, a lover, a musician, a fool, a friend. I am in love and shattered and content and complacent and confused and crystal clear. I am a pendulum.

Things i learned today:
- Instant Messenger has made the world smaller.
- A smile can be tragic.
- A frown can be euphoric.
- I don't have enough time to talk to you about everything.
- When indecision begins to manifest physically, it's time to decide.
- When all else fails, take a nap.