Dance

The coffee has run it's course through my system now. I still can't bring myself to sleep. I needed to write this first. I didn't want to lose any of it. I've been writing in my head all night.

I danced tonight. I made myself forget yesterday. I made myself forget the days to come. I danced. Kat danced with me. Though she seemed so much more stable. I danced all night and the whole time I was trying not to fall. I knew if i fell I would hurt myself. So I danced and watched and learned and listened and laughed and smiled.

I watched her freedom. I watched her in the midst of her enjoyment. Subtlety kept tapping me on my shoulder and I ignored her. I knew she would come, I knew she would stay for the entire evening. I had to let her be there, but that didn't mean i had to deal with her. Subtlety didn't care, she just sat on my shoulder and chuckled in my ear.

I was shocked at the atmosphere. I was overwhelmed with the freedom. I was enthralled with the music. It was not all my favorite. Some of it, i must admit, I do not even like. That situation changes music though. It was not a song to listen to or identify with. It was meant to make you move, to make you forget and remember and laugh all at once.

In the company of laughter and her smile, I felt at ease with the world i existed in. Every moment was trying not to fall. Every feeling was allowed to happen and not allowed to have an effect. I felt nothing and everything tonight.

She said "he's in love with 10 women right now." At first it rolled off and I chuckled. Then, in thinking about it, i worried. I worried that she thought that. That somehow my admissions of emotion towards the people i care about made me seem some sort of emotional concubine. When, in fact, the only emotions in me tonight were a momentary surge of happiness and free will. I felt in control, even when the steps to the dance eluded me.

I see things clearer at this time of night. I see that I'm going to have to help her learn to follow instead of always leading. She's a leader, a decision maker. But the importance of losing yourself, trusting someone to lead you where you should go is immense. For now, for tonight we playfully fought for control of the dance, spinning and laughing at the subtle suggestions of "go this way" that simultaneously appeared in our hands and our movements. It was fun and worth it to see her smile. Radiance in such close proximity is intense.

In all that, i have not even done justice to this night. I fall short in my explanation of how i felt. I can still see her dancing, a half-smile mixed with intense concentration gliding across her face, while her feet moved in time and in step to the song. She danced.

My feet hurt. It is of no matter. Because now, again, my face hurts from smiling. In the dim lights and grapevines and box steps and tequila, a light shone bright. It was her light, revitalizing me as it does.

So I danced, and tried not to fall.

Catnaps

Catnaps are often worse than the real thing. They're worse than a night's sleep and certainly worse than a long nap. I dream more during catnaps. Maybe it's not dreaming. Maybe it's thinking. It feels more like thinking. It's never over fantastic of strange. It's thoughts taken shape in my head.

I wrote a letter i'll never send the other day. I wrote it so I could get it off my chest. Someone once told me that's the thing to do. The writing is the important part. After writing it, and reading it and, actually, not being able to read it as it blurred in front of me, I disagree. I think it needs to be sent. Actually, I think it needs to be read. Out loud. To the person it's intended for. I think that's the therapy. I think that's the solution. I don't think I can do it.

Yesterday was horrific. I was alone for the part that was bad. I felt alone. I was completely overwhelmed. I got overly emotional at mundane things. I cried at television shows. It was disgusting. Today is only better because I'm forcing it to be better. Even still, after I write this I'm going to take another catnap. I have a headache. Fine, I'm running away too. I admit it. I can only be strong in spurts recently and now is not one of those times.

I find it hideous when i'm in that type of mood. Yet, the people that I love so much and mean so much to me seem to all speak common words when they call. They ask what's wrong, they give me good advice, hard advice. They tell me they're there for me. Like I would for them. I hate being dependent on someone, but i love that they say those things. I love that they mean them. I wish i could thank them adequately. I suppose, though, the only adequate thanks is to be there when they need me. Because they are there when i need them. That. That I can do.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

Someone else's words

It's too late. There are too many things going on in my head for explanations or conversations. I'm thinking of a million things a million times per second. I'll let someone else's words fill in the blanks for me tonight.

"Let Me Go"
-----------
One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

---3 Doors Down

No Games

No lies
No pain
No avoidance
No contact
No suffering
No self-destruction
No tears left

Heartache, heartbreak
Time for a change
But no games

A good cry

I just had myself a good ol' fashioned cry. A sobfest. A fucking over-the-top, fetal position waterworks. I can make light of it until I feel whole and I'll never get there. I needed it. It was made up of so much and so little. It was so basic and so extremely complex that attempting to align all the facets so they make some sort of coherent sense would be ironically pointless.

Before anything, I have to apologize to Kat. Publicly. I told her I would come out. I told her I would "hang" as is out tradition (unwritten tradition) on Thursdays. On my way there, though, to hang out, I got a call. It was from those people, the ones that shouldn't be aware of where I had intended to go. I was caught in a conundrum. I called Kat, left a message explaining, and then had a lousy-cell-signal half-conversation with her about it. So i'm apologizing in public to her. Even though we didn't spend time together, she was in my thoughts throughout the evening.

Sometimes, late becomes early. Now is that sometime. I must look horrible. My eyes are red, my nose is stuffy. I'm the antihesis of all that is sexy and appealing. All because of my heart. My whole life has been so overwhelming lately. Somehow i've been handling it all so well. Tonight was time for release. I never lie to myself about how I feel, but I do save it up sometimes, waiting for an appropriate time to release. My futon has seen me in many a vulnerable state as of late.

Because she doesn't see.
Because she doesn't understand.
Because saying how I feel is shallow in comparison.
Because I know I'll stay.
Because she knows she can hurt me.
Because she makes excuses instead of an effort.
Because she is amazing.
Because she isn't perfect.
Because she can't win the "who's more fucked up" game.
Because I can't have her.
Because I don't want her.
Because I want all of her.
Because she can have all of me is she asks.
Because I left something I loved.
Because the mundane proves, sometimes, that we do not just need love.
Because I crawl into bed with a stranger, even when i'm alone.
Because I'm weak and strong and confused about which is better.
Because I'm in love and in hate and in mourning for my comfort.
Because I'm worried about her.
Because I'm not normal and I hope I never am.
Because of the wonderful things she does.
Because she let me in.
Because I can't get out.
Because life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.
Because I'm broke.
Because I'm alive.
Because I fall and get back up.
Because I fall and can only lay there.
Because I'm happy.
Because I'm miserable.
Because it all came crashing down...

I cried.

Suck it up

That's what i'm doing. That's what I have decided. I suppose i should have just skipped the prelude and gotten to this realization. But, whatever the reason, or the path to here, here I am.

So the past few days haven't been simple. They haven't been mundane. They've been annoying in some ways, amazing in some others. Romantic in some, logical in others. I can't quite decide if I am happy or just happy to have these few days behind me. Don't get me wrong, some of the things in those days were fantastic. But some of the others could have been excluded.

I went to brunch with TZ Sunday morning. She came over and told me all about this guy she's pining over. I told her all about my life as of late and we caught up. I hadn't seen her in a while, and it was nice. She's a Taurus. Very much so. We're playing a game. It's going to be fun. Who's the bigger romantic. I'm not sure if winning is better than losing. I'm not worried either way, actually.

Monday. Monday was a holiday. It was Valentines Day. It was horrible. It was amazing. In the morning Miashell came over. I had gotten her a card. She had gotten me one too. It's nice to know I can always say I love you. It's nice to know she'll say it back. Because we do. Because it's that easy. That was the good part of the day.

The bad part was always there. When i got little things to give to a couple of people, i also got something for a certain ex-fiance. I got her a small box of chocolate. I couldn't get her nothing. I couldn't imagine that. I had to still say I love you. Because I do. I don't like this situation. I can't change it now, only make sure it doesn't wind up bad. So i bought her a valentine's day gift. Because Valentines day is for I love yous, even in the most difficult situation.

I couldn't walk away. From her. From this. I have to deal with it somehow. I hate it in so many way. But I can't avoid it. I could drive away, it wouldn't matter. It would all still be here. So i choose the hard road as usual. Or maybe it chooses me. I don't get what I want. But I do get to suck it up.

Truth

Truth is what I believe in. Maybe it sounds like an over-romanticized ideal in this day and age. Maybe it reminds people of Superman fighting for truth, justice and the American way. That's not what I mean though. I mean truth. The painful kind, the important kind. The kind that makes life worth carrying on with and makes friends that will last a lifetime, not just until the next round. How do I believe in truth and lie. How do I withold information that seems so crucial because it's "not my place" to say anything? And in turn, I might just ruin a good thing. Destroy a good friendship, a good trust, because I'm doing the right thing.

I won't let go, and I have to. I won't stop feeling and I should. I won't let this break my heart again and it is. It's my responsibility to fix it. It's my job, i'm the one that believes in truth. I'm the one that got us here. I need to make it better. But then, is there a way to make it better and stay true to myself? Is there a way to fix this feeling in the context of a situation where the only one who understands what I mean is me? No, it doesn't look like there is.

In other pastures there are other people. They've made me laugh and helped me cry and watched Alias with me. They've left marks on my body that I love. They've left marks on my heart that i'll always cherish. They are a cathartic force in my life. They understand.

And this morning, at 3:30 or so, my life flashed back. The phone rang and it was college again. Drunken calling at it's best. Unless she was just completely exhausted, she was drunk. We talked for 10 minutes or so, nothing very coherent, but she did invite me to visit. It almost feels like an invitation to travel back in time. A time when i should have been happier. A time when i should have seen how things would be. Now, i can just reminisce. I'll always answer the phone at odd hours, it's a part of life worth living, like watching the sun rise.

All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed I never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings waiting to begin

Sudden subtlety

I'm not subtle. I'm the opposite. I'm the blunt one. I say what I mean, or I don't say anything. I act. I react. I do not hide. Sometimes, though, subtelty creeps in on me. Something I experience isn't the bold, brash, boisterous announcement as it usually is. Tonight, subtlety found it's way into my mind, my heart.

Today was a day for realizations. Nothing romantic was involved though. Those realizations were of money and the mundane. They were choices I had to make and decisions I had to carry through with.
When all was said and done, I was tired from the sheer weight of my own responsibility.

Then, work. Work was inspiring tonight. It was full of motivation and inspiration. It made me remember the things I love about this job and, in light of the rest of my day, also reminded me that my wishes of full-time were far away.

Then the restaurant. Then her. Then the conversation and the food and the lemonade. Then the honesty. Then the subtlety. I didn't see it coming. I told her the intriguing part of my meeting her. I told her that it hadn't happened that way this time. It hadn't. This time is different.

Why talk about it? No, it doesn't solve the problem. Talking about it, stating it, makes it real. Sometimes, those things in our minds, in our hearts especially, don't seem real. It makes us think we can deal with them a certain way or push them further from ourselves or deeper down beneath the floorboards of our consiousness. But they are real, and they need to be spoken, to help them exist, so that we can deal with them, learn from them.

Suddenly I felt subtlety. I don't recall why, or even the exact moment. I remember a realization forming slowly in the back of my mind. Something I hadn't expected. No, that's not true. Something I hadn't wanted to expect. But she talked, and she tried to hide behind her wall. She tried to hit the emergency off switch. She didn't succeed. She talked and was honest, with me, with herself. She was uncomfortable and she continued. Her eyes welled up more than once, small tears hovering there, peering over the edge into the eternity below.

I wished so many things all at once, I know somewhere, a star cried out in frustration " You can't have all those things at once!". But I wished. I wished I could help her. I wished I could help myself. I wished for the restaurant to be open later. I wished and wished.

We left, and she thanked me. How ironic. She thanked me for listening, for seeing that part of her. I should have been the one. I should have thanked her for being so amazing. I should have thanked her for helping me remember myself. I should have thanked her for all the decisions she made that lead her to meeting me. Instead i smiled and hugged her and shivered as I got in the car. It was cold, but my shiver wasn't because of the temperature. I shivered at reality. And my subtlety giggled in the back of my mind.

Shameless

I almost posted the lyrics to Shameless, originally by Billy Joel. But you know them. If you don't, you can look them up. I felt very empowered this morning, after some conversation and a little early morning, stare-at-the-ceiling-after-just-waking-up reflection. I felt empowered to not question my actions. It felt good. So maybe I need Shameless by Ani Difranco instead.

Recently, i've been subject to quite a bit of analysis. Some of it, i suppose, is natural considering the situation. I've been dealing with a lot, both the mundane and the emotional have, at times, been a roller coaster. So the analysis has been some self-inflicted, but some from outside sources. It's often interesting and very enlightening and sometimes painful to hear what people think of you, your personality, your general traits and qualities.

What gets me defensive is when people point out things about me that I feel are good traits and, in some way, make them negative. So here is who I am. In a nutshell (how did i get in this nutshell!). No one to argue with me.

I am...
Loyal
Honest
Romantic
Cynical
Optimistic
Realistic
Intense
Creative
True

That's who I am. I'm sure there are more that go there. Perhaps you have some negative ones to go there as well. I think the negative ones are there. So that's that. And of all things about my qualities, I am shameless. I don't need approval to be who I am. I never expect anyone to be anything other than who they are. Those that have my love and trust have it because of who they are.

The world is no longer allowed to fuck with me because of who I am. Those people that I care about so much, those people I love. Those people I'm always going to be a little bit in love with, a little bit taken with. Most of them understand the intensity, the depth, the importance of my feeling for them. It doesn't get pulled out everyday to be examined, it just is.

When it's getting pulled out to be examined and explained, it's because they didn't get it. It's because nothing I can say can help the explanation other than those things I've already said. I will not be faulted for how I feel. I won't be made to feel like i'm making it difficult on someone else because they don't understand. I would gladly explain for hours, i would gladly leave it under the blankets of the bed in my head, if that's the course that needs to be taken. But I will not feel bad for feeling. Not today and certainly not tomorrow.

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this
if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it

Overload

It feels like the world has turned a full rotation since last time I wrote here. In some ways, it has. I keep looking at the date of the last time I wrote. Pre-production was almost a week ago. I'm still there, still planning, working things out, struggling, feeling sometimes.

I know i'm going to forget to write about all the things that have happened. I know I've already filed things into their appropriate places and will be hard pressed to retrieve them for this post. Wish me luck.

I've had a lot of realization. I'm starting again. I'm starting over and I'm scared as hell. I've been occupying myself with the people I love. I've been trying to soften the blows of reality with a cushion of compassion. It has worked sometimes, and occasionally it has backfired.

Honesty seems to run rampant in my life at times. Part of that is because I believe so strongly in it. I believe that if you are not honest with those you love you are not loving them as much as you should. Sometimes, most of the time, honesty is the hard road.

With Miashell, I'm honest. She is honest with me as well. It's not always the easiest thing. We seem to do it quite well. We are old souls together, memories and bonds that we cannot always comprehend keep us how we are. It is amazing to me that, until recently, we had not seen each other for a while. It doesn't feel like there is any time lost. (I'm not sure if i've named Miashell's wife yet, so I will now. We'll call her Mee.)

I've been spending some time with Miashell. I've been spending some time with Miashell and Mee. They are both incredible people. Miashell laughs at how alike Mee and I are. But then, the realization that she would obviously be attracted to the same type of people hits and she just chuckles and Mee and I return to our video game.

Sometimes I almost change my mind about my honesty policy. It means I have to be honest with myself. That's not always the easiest. Talking to Libra the other night, having had an "honesty session" with myself earlier that day, I wound up in the midst of honest. It was hard, it was scary. I'm not sure if it was for the better or not. I just know it had to be explained. Not a night goes by without that star being wished on, not a conversation slips through without my thoughts leading to that place. In the end, though, I like my coffee with cream, but if I have to drink it black, just so I can have coffee, then black it is.

Monday. What do i say about time spent with Miashell that I haven't already said. Amazing, earth shattering, intense, comfortable, simple. We're peas in a pod. We could argue until we're blue in the face. Or we could just smile and go buy cookies from Mee at her bake sale. Usually, we choose the latter. I'm curious to see if we still argue like we used too. We didn't argue a lot, but when we did, what fun. Such a Libra/Scorpio am I.

And now, today. I'm organizing. I'm contemplating. I'm planning. Pre-production continues. I'm avoiding the overload one duck, one jump, one well planned dodge at a time. So if i look a little frantic, at least you'll know why. Time for more coffee...black.

Pre-production

I've been having daydreams. I've been thinking about going west. I think, for the first time, possibly in my life, I have a chance to be unshackled. I have a chance to try something. I'm not sure if it will come to fruition like i want it to. I'm not planning anything for sure yet. I'm just in pre-production meetings with my life right now.

I keep thinking of California. I might have an opportunity. I might have more than one. But It's the other side of the country. I always said I didn't want to stay in CT. I don't. Can I leave all of these relationships here? So many people. Family, friends, loved ones. People who have changed my life. I know how small the world is. I talk every night with people from around the world and don't think twice. But the phyiscal closeness of those I love. That is something I need.

There are people there in California. Jazzy is there. I would love to see her. I will probably take a preliminary trip out there. To see her. To see what it feels like. Maybe it sounds over-romantic, but I need to get the aura of the place before I decide. I also, from the practical sense, need to know if a job is there. Any job. Something like what i'm doing, or not.

This is me in pre-production for my life. This is me remembering that there is nothing keeping me anywhere. I have no chain. I have nothing but my own ambition now. Nothing but my own drive. I get scared sometimes that my drive will drive me off a cliff.
I've been told i'm dangerous. Maybe I am. Maybe it's time to try and embrace it. Maybe it's time to finish all this pre-production and just start shooting the scene.

Things I learned today:
- Pain is pain, no matter who has it.
- No, she won't understand why. It doesn't lessen the intensity.
- Late nights, early nights, just give me nights. Lots of nights.

The week ends, the week begins...

Too much. Too much life. I'll try and be brief for the sake of my tired eyes. I'll try not to wax too ridiculously poetic.

Sunday was, simply put, amazing. It wasn't always good. Sometimes, it hurt. Other times, it was perfect. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in years. I played the guitar with Jobro. We managed to remember more of the songs we'd written together than I thought possible. I saw so many people from college and my life at that age in general. What struck me, though, was Ms. D's daughter.

Let's call her Nakata. (And if you happen to be her, i'll explain why the name in an email.) Nakata is beautiful. She is a beautiful person. She has always amazed me, ever since she was eleven. I cannot believe how long five years is. I know now. She proved it to me. She's sixteen and ready to take over the world. She's strong and witty and reminds me of her mother at times. She smiles without realizing it's power. She is innocent and then not innocent. I get such a sense of "alive" from her. I'm going to try and keep in contact, with her and others.

Then Monday. And i'm sitting here, tired. Miashell came over today and we visited. We laughed and smiled and got serious sometimes. We ate lunch and talked of the past and a little of the future too. She always makes me smile. We have a connection that is hard to explain. It works both ways and it is the most healing thing i've ever experienced. We drain each other. So much intensity between us. We are intense people. And i'm sitting here, tired.

Now, tonight. I went to work, then to have a bite with Kat. We were both tired, both a little out of sorts from recent events and she still made me laugh, still made me smile. She's leaving soon, to go to Colorado for a visit and some job opps. I've been wishing, at night, on a star for her. Not for a job in Colorado, that would be too specific. No, I wish that she is happy, successful and never forgets her heart. I've known her for so short a time and I've known her forever. Her heart is strong, fragile, makes you smile. It shows in her eyes and when she crinkles her nose. I wish every night for her, and for her heart.

Things I learned today: (This weekend)
- Five year is longer than one year.
- The smallest reminders are the most important ones.
- Worrying is often unnecessary, but it helps make us human.