Dance

The coffee has run it's course through my system now. I still can't bring myself to sleep. I needed to write this first. I didn't want to lose any of it. I've been writing in my head all night.

I danced tonight. I made myself forget yesterday. I made myself forget the days to come. I danced. Kat danced with me. Though she seemed so much more stable. I danced all night and the whole time I was trying not to fall. I knew if i fell I would hurt myself. So I danced and watched and learned and listened and laughed and smiled.

I watched her freedom. I watched her in the midst of her enjoyment. Subtlety kept tapping me on my shoulder and I ignored her. I knew she would come, I knew she would stay for the entire evening. I had to let her be there, but that didn't mean i had to deal with her. Subtlety didn't care, she just sat on my shoulder and chuckled in my ear.

I was shocked at the atmosphere. I was overwhelmed with the freedom. I was enthralled with the music. It was not all my favorite. Some of it, i must admit, I do not even like. That situation changes music though. It was not a song to listen to or identify with. It was meant to make you move, to make you forget and remember and laugh all at once.

In the company of laughter and her smile, I felt at ease with the world i existed in. Every moment was trying not to fall. Every feeling was allowed to happen and not allowed to have an effect. I felt nothing and everything tonight.

She said "he's in love with 10 women right now." At first it rolled off and I chuckled. Then, in thinking about it, i worried. I worried that she thought that. That somehow my admissions of emotion towards the people i care about made me seem some sort of emotional concubine. When, in fact, the only emotions in me tonight were a momentary surge of happiness and free will. I felt in control, even when the steps to the dance eluded me.

I see things clearer at this time of night. I see that I'm going to have to help her learn to follow instead of always leading. She's a leader, a decision maker. But the importance of losing yourself, trusting someone to lead you where you should go is immense. For now, for tonight we playfully fought for control of the dance, spinning and laughing at the subtle suggestions of "go this way" that simultaneously appeared in our hands and our movements. It was fun and worth it to see her smile. Radiance in such close proximity is intense.

In all that, i have not even done justice to this night. I fall short in my explanation of how i felt. I can still see her dancing, a half-smile mixed with intense concentration gliding across her face, while her feet moved in time and in step to the song. She danced.

My feet hurt. It is of no matter. Because now, again, my face hurts from smiling. In the dim lights and grapevines and box steps and tequila, a light shone bright. It was her light, revitalizing me as it does.

So I danced, and tried not to fall.