A good cry

I just had myself a good ol' fashioned cry. A sobfest. A fucking over-the-top, fetal position waterworks. I can make light of it until I feel whole and I'll never get there. I needed it. It was made up of so much and so little. It was so basic and so extremely complex that attempting to align all the facets so they make some sort of coherent sense would be ironically pointless.

Before anything, I have to apologize to Kat. Publicly. I told her I would come out. I told her I would "hang" as is out tradition (unwritten tradition) on Thursdays. On my way there, though, to hang out, I got a call. It was from those people, the ones that shouldn't be aware of where I had intended to go. I was caught in a conundrum. I called Kat, left a message explaining, and then had a lousy-cell-signal half-conversation with her about it. So i'm apologizing in public to her. Even though we didn't spend time together, she was in my thoughts throughout the evening.

Sometimes, late becomes early. Now is that sometime. I must look horrible. My eyes are red, my nose is stuffy. I'm the antihesis of all that is sexy and appealing. All because of my heart. My whole life has been so overwhelming lately. Somehow i've been handling it all so well. Tonight was time for release. I never lie to myself about how I feel, but I do save it up sometimes, waiting for an appropriate time to release. My futon has seen me in many a vulnerable state as of late.

Because she doesn't see.
Because she doesn't understand.
Because saying how I feel is shallow in comparison.
Because I know I'll stay.
Because she knows she can hurt me.
Because she makes excuses instead of an effort.
Because she is amazing.
Because she isn't perfect.
Because she can't win the "who's more fucked up" game.
Because I can't have her.
Because I don't want her.
Because I want all of her.
Because she can have all of me is she asks.
Because I left something I loved.
Because the mundane proves, sometimes, that we do not just need love.
Because I crawl into bed with a stranger, even when i'm alone.
Because I'm weak and strong and confused about which is better.
Because I'm in love and in hate and in mourning for my comfort.
Because I'm worried about her.
Because I'm not normal and I hope I never am.
Because of the wonderful things she does.
Because she let me in.
Because I can't get out.
Because life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.
Because I'm broke.
Because I'm alive.
Because I fall and get back up.
Because I fall and can only lay there.
Because I'm happy.
Because I'm miserable.
Because it all came crashing down...

I cried.