Shameless

I almost posted the lyrics to Shameless, originally by Billy Joel. But you know them. If you don't, you can look them up. I felt very empowered this morning, after some conversation and a little early morning, stare-at-the-ceiling-after-just-waking-up reflection. I felt empowered to not question my actions. It felt good. So maybe I need Shameless by Ani Difranco instead.

Recently, i've been subject to quite a bit of analysis. Some of it, i suppose, is natural considering the situation. I've been dealing with a lot, both the mundane and the emotional have, at times, been a roller coaster. So the analysis has been some self-inflicted, but some from outside sources. It's often interesting and very enlightening and sometimes painful to hear what people think of you, your personality, your general traits and qualities.

What gets me defensive is when people point out things about me that I feel are good traits and, in some way, make them negative. So here is who I am. In a nutshell (how did i get in this nutshell!). No one to argue with me.

I am...
Loyal
Honest
Romantic
Cynical
Optimistic
Realistic
Intense
Creative
True

That's who I am. I'm sure there are more that go there. Perhaps you have some negative ones to go there as well. I think the negative ones are there. So that's that. And of all things about my qualities, I am shameless. I don't need approval to be who I am. I never expect anyone to be anything other than who they are. Those that have my love and trust have it because of who they are.

The world is no longer allowed to fuck with me because of who I am. Those people that I care about so much, those people I love. Those people I'm always going to be a little bit in love with, a little bit taken with. Most of them understand the intensity, the depth, the importance of my feeling for them. It doesn't get pulled out everyday to be examined, it just is.

When it's getting pulled out to be examined and explained, it's because they didn't get it. It's because nothing I can say can help the explanation other than those things I've already said. I will not be faulted for how I feel. I won't be made to feel like i'm making it difficult on someone else because they don't understand. I would gladly explain for hours, i would gladly leave it under the blankets of the bed in my head, if that's the course that needs to be taken. But I will not feel bad for feeling. Not today and certainly not tomorrow.

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this
if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it