Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

Waiting...

Photographic Memory

Always at the strangest times, that is when my life decides to nudge me. That is when destiny, randomness or all of the other demi-gods that rule my life decide to toy with me, make me feel, make me think, make me remember.

I remember a photo, in particular, from high school. Standing outside the front doors of the school on a cool autumn day. We were going to a theater rehearsal. We were young and foolish and innocent beyond our own comprehension at the time.

Now, that photograph is at the beginning of a slideshow behind my weary eyes. I never had a photographic memory, but I always seem to remember the photographs.

Completely Tidal

The world and it's motions do not move because of us. We are lucky to catch the waves of the world, go with the flow and not be fighting, swimming the wrong direction, hoping to get somewhere with all our efforts.

So goes the happiness, the sadness, the ups and downs of our lives. It is not that we should control those ups and downs. There is no set of controls to adjust where our lives are. We can only ride the wave, staying faithful and true to ourselves and keeping a vigilant lookout for happiness.

I take the happiness, when it comes, for granted sometimes. As a defense mechanism, I discount it because I'm afraid to accept it. Better to not have it than to lose it? I believe in happiness that comes in those small doses, easy to accept and uplifting. Those doses that get me through mydays.

When joy or happiness or comfort rolls in like some tidal wave crashing against the shore of normal existence, I want to find shelter from it's effects. I think I might drown from the immensity of it all. I feel guilty too, in the midst of my fear of happiness. I feel guilty that I cannot give that happiness to those around me. I feel fear that they hate me for my epiphanies. I want to share somehow, even knowing it's not possible.

Standing in front of her, completely tidal, drowning in those misty blue eyes, I am content and confused. I am afloat and falling. I am asleep and dreaming and awake and wrapped in the proximity of her touch. Stretched over a chasm of the unexpected, my doubts slip and fall, unable to drag me down with them.

Magnetic Poem

storm goddess
shadow the still sea
moan deliriously
together with diamonds
crushing moon mother
like white winter beauty

Losing Everything

What do I have to lose except for everything? What do I have to worry about except falling with no parachute into some situation I have no control over? When did I start caring whether it was dangerous or irresponsible or just plain fucking crazy? I could look in the mirror right now, even just into some reflective surface and see myself and wonder who the hell I am to be so prudent, so responsible, so cautious and paranoid.

Losing everything is the risk that I take every day, with every decision to live my life the way I want to, to be the person I want to be, not who they want me to be. Everything could vanish so easily. Nothing makes things vanish faster than ignoring them, letting them be stagnant because I am too cautious to take the chance.

This is dangerous.
This could end in a flaming heap of heartache and drama.
This could fall apart around us before we can stop it.
This...is living.

Perception Of Time

Crossing my body with powerful lines
I have no deception, perception of time
Or of space and pain that has found in me physical
Translated, unstated and gone

Bright lights or midnights all crowded in circles
Spinning, not winning, no battles to lose
Still I am left with no highway to travel
My way is harder with no one to share

A memory vanished without explanation
A space in that place where my heart should have been
I have no deception, perception of time
I have fallen, I'm falling
And I'm just fine

Dancing Like Wall Shadows

I remember the late nights with only myself, so long ago. I remember the discovery and analysis from dark, gentle conversations with demons that belonged to me, and I to them. I remember my eyes flickering in my drowsiness, dancing like wall shadows across my eyes, trying to force me to sleep. I sit here in the dark, a candle burning. So easy to recall those nights, when reminders surround me.

Nighttime feels safe. Turning to look at myself, in this mirror of sudden recall, I see the same person. A person lost but always following some course that has no explanation other than it feels right. In some twisted simple way everything works out in my head. It all makes sense when there is nothing to see but inside.

I wonder where the path is going now. I am scared that this same person I am so capable of being will not be prepared for the road ahead and where it may lead. I am not running. Something must be keeping those anchors that keep me here from breaking.

Still I am not concerned or worried or sad about what it may be that lets me stay. I have never wound up somewhere, met someone, loved someone that I could argue my luck. So, like dark self-analysis, I smile at memories of tomorrow.

A Thousand Reasons

There are reasons for those things in life that we do not understand. There is a reason for time and for feelings we don't care for and for events that we despise. There is reason for pain and for hate and for waking up that next day. There is reason for hiding and for deciding to re-emerge into the light, even if your eyes are squinting from the brightness.

There are a thousand reasons why I call you friend and why I will always keep a wonder in the back of my mind, even in the back of my soul. A small what-if that only serves to enhance the complex simplicity of our relationship. There is a reason why you are called Beauty. Sometimes beauty is all anyone needs.

Some Sort Of Starlight

It was cloudy last night. Though, in my romantic youth, I often heard a friend of mine say that there were always stars, we just didn't always see them. In that youth, that notion made so much sense to me. To be able to look up at the clouds and still wish on some star as if they were shining brightly. Now, the notion seems heartfelt and somehow more ridiculous than in the past.

Still I found some sort of starlight last night. In the eyes of a woman that does not know she has it there. In the breath and movement of her body under gentle, night lighting. Some exterior design serves to mask that inner light like blanket covered hippies at a Dead concert. Still it escapes, tendrils of it shining through without warning.

In moments, at times, I felt I was lying on my back playing the stargazer. That some myriad of images was etching itself across my bloodshot eyes. Images I would never remove. Memories that will haunt me as often as they cause me to smile. Memories of some sort of hidden starlight, a glimpse of something i will not have.

Reminder

It's midnight. I guess that means it's Memorial Day. I haven't slept yet. The city is making it's music outside, not bothering me, just intriguing me. Cocktail is on the television. Tom Cruise before the scientology, Brian Brown with a career. I am reminded of the philosophy of it all.

I think back on today and smile. The smell of the grass, the sky in some sort of over-saturated brilliant blue. No matter how dirty the water in that river is, it looked beautiful in the glinting sun. Six years and she has the same effect. She makes me remember how many realities there really are in the world. She makes me remember how beautiful life is, how beautiful she is. She underplays it but it still shows, like the glinting sun.

I think back on today, with my eyes almost too heavy to keep open, and I remember walking and the sites and the sounds and the smell of her, all suntan lotion and lovely. It felt surreal, like the feeling I get from the city.

I am always falling in love with her. I am always falling in love with this city. The place that holds some sort unexplainable beauty for me. The subway ride, no matter how short, reminded me that I should be here. Seeing her walking toward me down the street floored me and I fought to stay standing.

It always feels so directed at her. When I really consider this emotion, this feeling that runs so deep through me when I think of her I know it has so much more meaning than that. It is a reminder, like this city, that life is worth living for so many reasons. That life isn't just for touching, but for diving into and wrapping around you. She reminds me that I am capable of being alive because I can see how alive she is.

Cars are blaring their horns in the city outside, and down the hall, a beautiful woman is fast asleep. I hope she knows the effect she has had on me these six years. So many times, in the midst of turmoil and hard times, she has been a reminder.

A Family Affair

All in all, I survived the weekend. I'm certainly not complaining. Staying in what I'm sure is a multi-million dollar house overlooking a harbor in Rockport, MA certainly isn't anything to complain about. There are ten of us for the weekend and we've been fighting with the weather since Friday and only amongst ourselves a little bit.

As much as I'm thrilled to be on vacation, to be away from work, I am missing a lot of things about home. Even in the sunstreaming morning hours, walking up and down Bearskin Neck I was thinking about home. I was thinking about the radio show Tuesday night and some of the people I've not seen for a while. I was thinking about people I want to see more than I have in the past.

It took us a little too long to get here. Thanks to a closed Mass. Pike. So what should have been a 2.5 hour trip took us right around 6. It rained, it poured, I'm surprised we didn't see locusts at one point. I was not pleased with our map by the end of the day.

We had amazing food, amazing drink, and some good ol' fashioned family gathering fun. Complete with cranky people and the complications of mobilizing 10 people in multiple cars to all go to one place. It worked out just fine, all in all.

So congratulations to my grandparents. 60 years is a long time. It's even longer to be married. We made it through a weekend together. And those smiles are worth a 12 hour drive.

Incidents And Accidents

For the second time in ten years, I saw you. Crossing the room to your table and catching your eye was a mystical moment behind my calm smile. As soon as you were in my sight i knew it had been too long since i'd seen you.

Then the questions started forming in my mind. As the evening passed, though, they didn't stay in order in some list. I guess the melted into a single thought that i resist attempting to explain or describe. Though you wouldn't look me in the eyes, I know you could feel me looking into yours.

I found myself wishing. I caught myself in the act of hoping for ridiculous hopes and pointless futures. I dressed up my life in a suit and hoped that appearances could be everything. And damn you for smiling, for breathing, for your energy, so addictive.

Not that it matters. Not that the universe even blinks in response to my thoughts, my feelings. I am a fleeting moment, an afterthought in the twinkle of a star. Still, in times when I can be your bodyguard again, I am suddenly elevated from afterthought. I am given the keys to some city and the power to adjust life. I a moment that could go on forever.

Thank you from the depths, the fathoms of my being. There was no accident in our meeting again. Coincidence only exists because we don't comprehend the reasons. I will not take this one for granted.

Daze

No one's around to see this
painted on my wall
I can feel my heartbeat
But it doesn't matter at all
All the things I need are here
inside and buried so deep
But without your eyes to help me
my worthless hands won't sleep

You've gotta be crazy
To think I knew
And sitting here in a smoky daze
I know it won't be you
that saves me

Pictures worth a thousand,
pictures, letters, words
But the bottle says i'm hopeless
this just isn't in my world
I need so much to show you
You need so much to see
Breaking chains makes mountains
That melt into my sea

A sorry sight in black and white
how can it grab a color
Without my rosy glasses on
it's amazing I saw some other
Endless summers taking chances
wasting time on hopeless dances
Wasting time on desperate feelings
let the devil do the dealing

Always Thinking Of You

"There is the watchman of the fire
That warms up my heart's desire.
There is the keeper of the lights
In my life's darkest nights."
---Sonja Nic Rafferty

Quite A View

It's not very often that I get to say that I can see the ocean from the house. Today, though, I can. It's only April and I'm on vacation. It won't be for long enough, but it is definitely something I needed. Just over the tree line outside the house, there is an ocean ready to take away my worries for a little while. The ferry ride over here, to my favorite place, was more therapeutic than usual. Maybe it was her presence, so sparkling and full of life no matter the circumstance.

Now, in the warmth of the sun streaming through the sky lights, I am content to write with my favorite radio station humming in the background. They seem to know what to play and when, like they're making sure my life has a good soundtrack every time i'm here. So as Jacob Dylan starts crooning through the house, all I can do is smile at the perfection of it all.

I made comment the other day that I would love to live here. I don't know if I could live here full time. I would worry that this place would lose the magic. That somehow, some of how I feel is because I am not here all the time. I would certainly like the freedom and finances to be able to come here when I feel like it. It is a goal i've had. It is, perhaps, a goal i will always have. I will fight for it to become some sort of reality, but I also know how far that reality is from my current situation.

Here I have no one to answer to about my problems. I have no one to reconcile with, no one to worry about pleasing but myself. In the kitchen making breakfast for seven people and somehow it's meditative. I cannot share or explain in, proper amounts of accuracy,
the sheer beauty of this place to me. To both my eyes and somehow to my soul, scattered and torn and still content on this island.

I guess that's why I come here. Here is where I feel the most complete. I mean, after all, it is quite a view.

Coming Around Again

The sunlight is hours away right now and still I look forward to it. I look forward to it because it means beginning again. I need this beginning. I have had so many false starts in the recent past. Places I thought were beginnings that did not turn out as I'd hoped. Life has certainly been throwing the curve balls lately.

Still, I see summer coming around again. I see Martha's Vineyard sunsets and warm rains. I can imagine the feeling of sweating in New England heat. I laugh now at the comments to come about how "I hope it gets cooler tomorrow."

Now is the time for embracing those things we've lost track of. Now is the time for rekindling and remembering. Now is the time to brush off winter's half-dazed hibernation and grab our lives firmly at the scruff of the neck and take control. Now is the time to get the tears out, the screams out, the sighs out like spring cleaning.

I want to see my own reinvention through internal eyes. I want to weep at beauty not at pain. I want to be strong enough to do the hardest thing in our lives. I will fight to be myself. Even when I am scared of who I may be, I want to embrace all I can be, not let it go wasted into oblivion.

The sunlight is hours away and the moonlight comforts me. The cool breeze rolling over my window sill is urging me to crawl under the remaining blankets and fall asleep with the night air all around me. So I will say my wishes and drift off with a smile on my face tonight. Because tonight I know that nothing was forgotten. Tonight, in my dreams, i'll be dancing.

Juggling re-Act

Round, strong, never moving
Relationships worth it, stronger, deeper
Tossed together, never easy
Adding more, we're all ok
All we have is time to love
The final ball will never come
You'll never be shakey with us to support you
Together we can handle it all
You've never dropped us, just let us bounce
Pick us up we'll always be here
We'll learn together
We'll fail together
We'll love together
And when it's too hard
And all you want to do is run...

...run to us.

Letter Six - December 23, 1903

...But when you notice that it is vast, you should be happy; for what (you should ask yourself) would a solitude be that was not vast; there is only one solitude, and it is vast, heavy, difficult to bear, and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability, however trivial or cheap, for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along, the most unworthy. . . . But perhaps these are the very hours during which solitude grows; for its growing is painful as the growing of boys and sad as the beginning of spring. But that must not confuse you. What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours - that is what you must be able to attain. To be solitary as you were when you were a child, when the grown-ups walked around involved with matters that seemed large and important because they looked so busy and because you didn't understand a thing about what they were doing.

---Rainer Marie Rilke

Forgotten

At these moments in my life I am the most open to the possibility that my mind can achieve. I read the stress in your words, the stress in your voice. I felt you seeing reality in those words. It stung me. To think you saw so little of reality in days past. Days I remember so well. Days you seem to have all but forgotten.

I said things to you that I have said to so few people. I will never dance there again. The waterfall will end and I will not be there to see it. I gave you something that you don't realize you have. I loved you and trusted you and married you in dreams at night. I saw our children in your eyes and our future in your smile.

Still, it feels like a dream. There are vivid memories of your lips on mine, of your body against me. There are so many woven, beautifully tangled threads that make up this scattered quilt of memory. Somehow though, for you it is forgotten. Or, maybe even hidden, pushed into a corner of existence you will not touch as the future threatens to sweep control out from under your feet.

In all those things, though, what I gave you was myself. Completely. I was yours for the taking, the destroying, the loving and the hating. I never had malice, I never had anger. I forgave you for everything you would ever do the moment I met you.

I loved you.
No.
I love you.

To a depth even shadows dare dwell. A place where endless is not enough to explain the amount I have cared for you. A place where I can truly express the joy and utter despair of my life with you, my life because of you.

In that place I hope one thing. A single thought stretching in a hundred and sixteen directions with one purpose. Hoping, praying, wishing that you have not forgotten.

In Truth

Only moments ago i was crying into my pillow. Crying because I hadn't said it to you, but whispered it afterward like some high school romance. I know I could. I also know I would have cried it to you and not just said it, calmly, softly, gently, as I meant it. So I'm sorry for speaking of truth to you and then not telling you the simplest truth I have.

I know you understand. Even now that we are separate I know I'll never truly be alone. It's almost unfair to say i'm lonely to you. I hope you know I do not mean to degrade your presence in the very depths of who I am and who I've become because of you.

I don't think I could have ever said enough to explain the feeling. Still you knew it was there. You know it still is. I will never find understanding like yours again. So, in my darker times, I lament losing you, lament the decisions i've made, we've made. And I cry and sob like a child and somehow smile through a constant rain of tears.

In truth, I said I loved you after I hung up the phone.

For The Beauty And The Pain

"Almost Home"

How many miles
Did we travel down that road
Searching all the while
For a place to call our own
So young and hypnotized
By the stars in our eyes
How could we have ever known
Almost home
We were almost home

How many times
Can you go on tempting fate
'Til it sends you a sign
You can't anticipate
Now the lesson is learned
Our love has turned
From a jewel into a stone
Almost home
We were almost home

Love never lasts
Like an old photograph
Where the colors slowly fade to shades of grey

Love is the place
Where you go when day is done
Love is in the face
Of the old and young
Love knows nothing of the wheel
Of aluminum and steel
Traveling down that gravel road
Almost home
We were almost home

---Mark Erelli

Missing Perfection

The realization just hit me. It was a few moments ago and I got a picture in my email. A picture of someone I have already seen. A picture of someone who I already knew was beautiful. And my breath wouldn't return, my heart wouldn't beat for what felt like an eternity because of the sudden tide.

I was swept out onto the river again. I was sitting, eyes closed, with the heat of the fire dancing on my face. I was watching a bridge rise up out of the horizon and wishing it was hours away. I was falling in love with a memory and a picture of a girl I had already seen.

I had already seen her. I had already fallen for her so long ago. Still it was there so suddenly again, an emotion that reappeared without warning. Somehow the moment lasted an eternity with that picture in front of me. If the world were more cruel, the phone would have rung at that instant and it would have been her and the truth would have burst from my lips unbidden. Still the only sound in my room is the whirring and humming of my computer. No ringing phone and barely breath escaping my lips.

I keep missing perfection. I find it and let it slip, fall away from me like those little plastic toys that you just can't hold onto. I knew she was there. I had known about the feelings for so long. Suddenly they had surged again. Suddenly my soul danced and laughed, happy that such emotion still existed for me.

I keep missing perfection, and now every day I will be missing her.

Vernal Equinox

The first day of spring and the cold was biting at my ankles like some five year old day care nightmare. I have managed a winter of quiet hibernation mixed with bursts of energy. I have heard, listened to musicians inspiring me with their passion, their aura. I have made new friendships, rekindled old ones, and perhaps lost touch with some. I am making amends and making peace and making a mess all at the same time. I am writing. Music, lyrics, words, poems, prose, anything. I am creating so I don't feel so naked in the harshness of this time of year.

So I stand in the cold of this night and look up at the stars and pay my respects to the Goddess of the Dawn. I tell Eostre how happy I am to have seen her today. I tell her my impatience, I shiver in the cold and hope she sees how thankful I am that she is here. Because, though I may complain and wish for Beltaine, I know that she heralds the warmth, the fire of life, the sun. So that, when Midsummer is finally upon us, I will not complain of the heat, but languish in it.

Chance and Circumstance

I'm trying to explain something in this that I'm not sure I know how to. I'm trying to tell you what the look meant. What paragraphs were sitting there behind my eyes, looking in yours. Explaining something so subtle, beautiful, perfect is a challenge I wasn't expecting. Somehow eclectic and Destiny have gone into business with each other.

As it always has been, I have trouble finding where to begin when it comes to you. When it comes to the way you've made me feel in the past. To the way you still do. It's like trying to explain a sunset. I'm sure some scientist could tell me why, but in the end, the words become meaningless because the depth is so much unspoken.

Seeing you brought out so much of the best of me. It reminded me, as I've been reminded recently, how little my emotions change year to year. The strongest of those never fade, as they haven't with you. I said that you still sparkled, as you always had. Maybe that explanation seems enough, but it doesn't begin to scratch the surface.

I believe that we are free to choose, to make our own decisions about how our lives proceed. Somewhere in those decisions though, a little guidance always seems to occur at the right times. If I were religious enough, I suppose I'd call it God. I tend to label it Destiny. That little nudge that hurts sometimes but always gets us where we should be going.

We met last night and something about the world clicked for me. Maybe it's too subtle to concern myself, but something is different now, better. I could blame simple chance or random circumstance. In the end, though, I know it is you. You in my life again. I hope I can make amends for the mistakes I made when I was younger. I hope you understand the depth that one single moment with you has affected me.

Indian Summer

I don't think i've ever gotten over anyone i've ever been in love with. I think i'll always be getting over all of them. I was reminiscing tonight, on the drive home, about a love lost. I felt my body react, my heart react before I understood why. I was over her, in my mind. My heart, though, had other agendas. It reminded me, slapped me across the face with those pliable, yet somehow immovable emotions that I had experienced so many months ago. And I felt myself fall in love again. Maybe this time, because of a memory so vivid. A memory of soft words and gentle touch mixed together with roaring, dangerous, careless passion. A flame so large that it soon burned low,even as I tended to it.

Then, when that memory drifted from me, I saw the effect it had. Like indian summer, it had, in the midst of the cold, in the midst of the bleak, reminded me of the warmth. Of the sun. So turning inward with new found warmth I saw them. I saw the people I had given parts of my heart, parts of the essence of myself to. I smiled at the end of an insane day. I smiled to think that I had loved so completely. I glowed with hope that someone experience even half of the perfection i've had in my life. Even through the worst times, the darkest times, I have been blessed with light. Even as my indian summer faded, I was comforted with glimpses of something I rarely see. My own personal heaven, hidden there beneath all of my hells.

Deep Freeze

It's cold. I think, if you went back through the history of this blog you would find me complaining about the weather a number of times. I was born with the blood of a mediterranean. My father has that problem too. I'm quite sure I inherited that trait from him. The cruelest part of that trick was being born in New England.

The dramas in my life now are not my own. I exist as a being that does not suffer the burdens of personal romance. I only suffer from other people's lives now. I only suffer from caring what happens to them, and trying to help without becoming more of a problem than a solution.

I desire romance and someone to share it with. Yet, at the same time, i am willing to wait, willing to be picky about what I want. I should be drowning in my own self pity, and instead I am enjoying my singularity. I am enjoying the idea that I will not settle for a relationship just because I do not have one. There are things I need that I will wait for.

I am not a substitute. I want the real deal. I want to find someone that wants me for exactly who I am. I want to find someone that isn't trying to make me "fill in" as their boyfriend. I've done that enough in my life. You get all of me, or none of me. Maybe that's a little harsh, but if you're taking it that way, you don't know me very well. I'm a lover and a fighter. I'm a romantic, a bit of a sap. I am not the typical. I don't want the typical. I want the exceptional. And I will wait.

It's cold. I've been existing in some sort of deep freeze. I'm burning somewhere inside but I'm controlling the temperature. I need to be in control of all of this. One day I'll burst into flame. Until then, all I feel is cold.

Inspired By Me!

I'm flattered. I received an email, recently, from someone with a poem in it that they wrote because of "Heal Me". I love it and so I'm posting it here...

So many thoughts I shouldn't be thinking...
So many things I really want to do...
of flirting
of kissing
of hugging
of loving
of sex
of romance
of all thing things I want so desperately to do with you.

You're right there in front of me, so close I can taste you.
Yet it seems, at times, as if we're worlds apart.
How unfair it is that I should not have you!

Looking in your eyes I can see the passion,
the words you want to say, but don't.

In your sweet embrace I long to stay,
to feel the warmth of your touch, the heat of your body.

Your light touch makes me tingle from head to toe,
Your lips against mine lights a fire inside me.

So much I want, that I should not have...
So many thoughts I shouldn't be thinking...

Heal Me

Heal me with thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Heal me with glances that only we understand, with some hidden subtext. I can feel some gentle pulse when we communicate. Every moment that I think on you is like some sort of suspended animation. What seems like hours in thought is really seconds.

The complicated parts of all of this have not even begun to appear. Still I welcome the challenge for the rewards it will produce someday. I have so many reasons, 116 and then some. I have so many ideas and hopes and thoughts and wishes to share.

So heal me every time a passing thought comes crashing my way. I'll do my best to return the favor.

Blood On My Lips

Some sort of sick twisted love
And I hate that i'm so callous to it's causes
to it's undeniable reasons that leave me stranded
caught without a paddle or rope
No love and no hope
No chance of surviving or thriving on your stale inflection
And in my reflection is you
trapped in this prison
cell made for escape like this blood
on my lips and that sway that you make
when you walk with your hips
in wide circulation like soft meditiation from all of your fears
While my tears make a waterfall over my face
falling to ground in silence ungolden
And blazoned with streaks from showers above
I still hope for
Some sort of sick twisted love

Spin

The road I've walked is unique. The time i've spent in love and hate has been my traveling companion. It comforts me, excite me, destroy me. It is my dearest companion. Still, sometimes it fails to enlighten, or even to sadden. In those times, love and hate will leave the world to work it's mysticism. Will leave Destiny to show me the way or set up the road block. Those are the times I'm most uncomfortable. When I have no control over life, pulling me in the direction I have no choice but to go.

It's that way, too, when I meet new people. Possibilities abound in my mind. A universe of notions and questions wells up inside me, begging to be freed. To be given permission to speak. I am prone to caution in those moments when perfection overwhelms. From the first lock of an eye, or a shared smile, and new universes spin into existence, just as other ones die in quiet endings.

This charmed existence I lead is one i will never regret, even when the pain is overwhelming. The road I've walked is a beautiful stretch of wishes and dreams both granted and denied. The road I've walked is filled with the beauty of amazing people. Those people that made me whole and broke me in half and changed my life in the smallest and largest ways.

Sometimes I can almost hear the Moirai chatter in the distance, like gentle rolling summer thunder. Always spinning, measuring, cutting...

Once Upon A Time Girl

You are my once upon a time girl
Always there at the end of my story
Like some long forgotten bedtime ritual
That, after, left me with heavy eyes

Now kissed with complexity
Eyes closed in a mockery of rest
I only see your face in false memory
Where such boundaries have no end

Like some long forgotten bedtime ritual
Once upon a time

A Quick Quote

...So When I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love, don't test my love
Cause maybe I don't love you all that much

---Dan Bern "Jerusalem"

Before

Before I was, I was nothing
That was yesterday
Today I am, and tomorrow lingers

Before I was, I was nothing
Everything lost, nothing was sacred
Someday I'll be better than tomorrow

Before I was, I was nothing
That was yesterday
That was before you