This may well be a 2 post day. I was reading about all of the paganism in our Christmas. I always find it so interesting how religions plagiarize each other to make it easier for the converts. I'm certainly not going to get into a rant about that on Christmas morning, but i did think it was interesting.
Last night was, as usual, a great time with family and friends. It was excellent to see those people we only see once a year. The resolution is always the same. "We'll have to get together after the holidays." It usually doesn't happen, but the sentiment seems to be unavoidable.
Speaking of unavoidable, Libra and GrenadeBoy came with us to the family gathering last night. I was really excited that they could attend. They didn't stay for all that long, and they definitely missed a couple of crowning moments of the evening, but I hope they enjoyed their time. I know i did. Somehow, it meant quite a bit to me to have them there. They have had more effect on my life recently than i care to admit sometimes and it was nice to be able to share my life with them even more. So thank you both, if you happen to read this. And, if I were GrenadeBoy, i wouldn't even have made it through dinner before your wiles swept me out the door, Libra. :)
I got a showerhead from the Fiance. Does it sound mundane? It's not. I have wanted one of those for a long time. It's a Cascadia. It simulates rain fall. Incredible. She remembered that I wanted one. It was one of the best Christmas-morning showers i've had in my life. Sometimes it's the small things that count.
Today is sure to be filled with interesting stories and memories. I will attempt to post again when i get home. I'm hoping for coherency.
Happy Christmas
Things I learned today: (yesterday)
- Denying being sick doesn't make it go away.
- Creation and Destruction are sisters.
- Sometimes the hardest part is the publicity.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
No Control
Just letting everything go is harder than one might imagine. This weekt that i've been away from my blog i've had various reasons for not posting. Sometimes it was fear of what I might say. Other times I began to type, often in an entirely exhausted state, and upon brief review found it wasn't worth posting what I had written. Today is another day though. Some things need to be out of my system.
I've always believed that the "L" word wasn't something you could see coming. In fact, i always thought that really important relationships regardless of their caliber were going to happen with no attempt on our parts to find them or make them happen. It wasn't a creeping kind of feeling. It was a smack me in the face kind of feeling. I'd always read about it like that and the few times i'd experienced it that was how it had been. But my theory was always full of doubt. Now I can rest easy knowing that what we think in our heads and what happens in our hearts stand together but alone. There is no control when it happens. There should never be control over such a wonderful thing. I should thank Libra and GrenadeBoy.
As for my friend in plain sight. I'm still working on a good nickname for her so I can reference her here anonymously. I'll try and come up with something by the end of this paragraph...
...Eliza. Because she can be the prim proper picture of a homemaker but inside she is wild and needs to be free.
So we went out last night. What an amazing time. I felt so alive and I know Eliza did too. We wound up at 2 different places. We were hanging out with the guys from the radio station most of the evening. It was a great time. I remember so many things, but I don't have the space to list them all. I remember Theresa and Michael Knight and House of Pain and the beer flowing and the smoke and the mega-heineken and the guy outside giving the girls a hard time and Eliza giving lessons on how to pick up chicks. I remember watching Eliza. I remember the aura she gave off. It was intoxicating to me, i can't imagine what it did to some of the others around her. We fit into the situation. I've always loved crowds, music, parties, places where people are alive. I was alive last night.
Things i learned today: (This week)
- Calzones with no Ricotta cheese. Love 'em. Call me a bad italian, i don't care.
- Christmas shopping...no thank you. Besides, my bank account was laughing at me the entire time.
- My faith in Destiny's ability has been restored.
- When it rains it pours, usually on me.
- Ani was right..."Love is like falling and falling is like this."
- My beer of choice is Gin.
- Honesty is good. Honest is hard. Honesty makes people run away sometimes. I'm very happy she didn't.
- Ignoring problems doesn't solve them, but it makes waking up less difficult.
I've always believed that the "L" word wasn't something you could see coming. In fact, i always thought that really important relationships regardless of their caliber were going to happen with no attempt on our parts to find them or make them happen. It wasn't a creeping kind of feeling. It was a smack me in the face kind of feeling. I'd always read about it like that and the few times i'd experienced it that was how it had been. But my theory was always full of doubt. Now I can rest easy knowing that what we think in our heads and what happens in our hearts stand together but alone. There is no control when it happens. There should never be control over such a wonderful thing. I should thank Libra and GrenadeBoy.
As for my friend in plain sight. I'm still working on a good nickname for her so I can reference her here anonymously. I'll try and come up with something by the end of this paragraph...
...Eliza. Because she can be the prim proper picture of a homemaker but inside she is wild and needs to be free.
So we went out last night. What an amazing time. I felt so alive and I know Eliza did too. We wound up at 2 different places. We were hanging out with the guys from the radio station most of the evening. It was a great time. I remember so many things, but I don't have the space to list them all. I remember Theresa and Michael Knight and House of Pain and the beer flowing and the smoke and the mega-heineken and the guy outside giving the girls a hard time and Eliza giving lessons on how to pick up chicks. I remember watching Eliza. I remember the aura she gave off. It was intoxicating to me, i can't imagine what it did to some of the others around her. We fit into the situation. I've always loved crowds, music, parties, places where people are alive. I was alive last night.
Things i learned today: (This week)
- Calzones with no Ricotta cheese. Love 'em. Call me a bad italian, i don't care.
- Christmas shopping...no thank you. Besides, my bank account was laughing at me the entire time.
- My faith in Destiny's ability has been restored.
- When it rains it pours, usually on me.
- Ani was right..."Love is like falling and falling is like this."
- My beer of choice is Gin.
- Honesty is good. Honest is hard. Honesty makes people run away sometimes. I'm very happy she didn't.
- Ignoring problems doesn't solve them, but it makes waking up less difficult.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Fire
That's exactly what it reminds me of. I sit here, tired from this week, tired just thinking about the weekend and the week ahead. I keep running today and yesterday through my head. I keep trying to remember everything I said, everything that was said to me. It's like fire, it burns and changes so quickly. I don't want to forget. And like fire, these few days have been beautiful but deadly. Deadly because if they had continued they would have killed me. Beautiful because every moment seemed filled with new life, new paths untraveled, new friends, new love. It makes me smile. It made me cry. It made me realize so much. Some of those realizations were more painful than i could describe here.
I found a friend in plain sight. She was right there all the time, but I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to her. I mean actually talk to her, not just chat in a social situation. It was exciting. I found i had things to say to her that I hadn't realized were there. Beauty, it seems, doesn't often know it's own appearance.
There's too much for tonight. I have so many other things I need to write here. I love it here. I feel so free and creative. I need this now, it's almost an addiction. I'll leave it unfinished for now...
Things I learned today:
- Just because he didn't show up, doesn't mean you aren't one of the most beautiful people i've ever met.
- If i could change one thing...but I can't.
- Honesty. It's not just a word, it's an adventure.
- You don't pursue happiness, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel comfortable.
I found a friend in plain sight. She was right there all the time, but I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to her. I mean actually talk to her, not just chat in a social situation. It was exciting. I found i had things to say to her that I hadn't realized were there. Beauty, it seems, doesn't often know it's own appearance.
There's too much for tonight. I have so many other things I need to write here. I love it here. I feel so free and creative. I need this now, it's almost an addiction. I'll leave it unfinished for now...
Things I learned today:
- Just because he didn't show up, doesn't mean you aren't one of the most beautiful people i've ever met.
- If i could change one thing...but I can't.
- Honesty. It's not just a word, it's an adventure.
- You don't pursue happiness, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel comfortable.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Insomnia
3:30...3:31...3:32...And so I lay in bed. That state of not asleep yet not entirely awake teases you. At times I almost felt like I was drifting off, only to feel my eyes open and stare, once again, into nothingness.
Somehow I experienced a combination of one of the best and worst evenings in recent memory. Creativity was flowing, dancing in front of me, tempting me to hold on. Somehow it wasn't enough, and I watched inevitability take it's place. I watched myself say things, react to things, and try not to react. I had the best of intentions in all my actions but they seemed to falter. My timing was off, my sense of the world around me blurred and transient. I could spend hours going over what I shouldn't have done. I could spend hours going over what I did. It doesn't matter. I watched myself traverse that evening of conversation and creativity, and somehow i had no input into my own action. That's the problem with the past. I can't seem to change it. Living with it is the best I can hope for. Praying the damage isn't too severe. I'd be rich if i'd invent a machine to give me a dollar every time i say "I don't know".
Now, after laying in bed until somewhere close to 7am, I am watching myself move and talk and laugh. It's a surreal feeling. I feel very outside myself. I need to sleep, but even if i get the opportunity to sleep today, I doubt i'll be able to.
Things I learned today:
- From where I'm standing, i'm pretty damn lucky. I'm also broke, tired, my outlook is detestable. But still, damn lucky.
- Buried in regret, I wonder what's keeping me sane.
- "The world is square." "Cool, good thing we're not."
Somehow I experienced a combination of one of the best and worst evenings in recent memory. Creativity was flowing, dancing in front of me, tempting me to hold on. Somehow it wasn't enough, and I watched inevitability take it's place. I watched myself say things, react to things, and try not to react. I had the best of intentions in all my actions but they seemed to falter. My timing was off, my sense of the world around me blurred and transient. I could spend hours going over what I shouldn't have done. I could spend hours going over what I did. It doesn't matter. I watched myself traverse that evening of conversation and creativity, and somehow i had no input into my own action. That's the problem with the past. I can't seem to change it. Living with it is the best I can hope for. Praying the damage isn't too severe. I'd be rich if i'd invent a machine to give me a dollar every time i say "I don't know".
Now, after laying in bed until somewhere close to 7am, I am watching myself move and talk and laugh. It's a surreal feeling. I feel very outside myself. I need to sleep, but even if i get the opportunity to sleep today, I doubt i'll be able to.
Things I learned today:
- From where I'm standing, i'm pretty damn lucky. I'm also broke, tired, my outlook is detestable. But still, damn lucky.
- Buried in regret, I wonder what's keeping me sane.
- "The world is square." "Cool, good thing we're not."
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Pendulum
One day this will all be easier. One day this will all make sense and I'll look back on some of these thoughts and chuckle to myself. I'll laugh at the absurdity. The privilege of aging is that the past is always the past and one need not look on it's more depressing moments if one does not wish to. But then, sometimes they look on us.
There is always more for the telling than i can tell. There is always something here that is secret and something there that cannot be shared. I am cursed by my own past, whether i look on it or not. It knows i'm here and, sometimes, slips out from under the carpet in my mind to say "remember me". I have my own personal dust bunny reminders of those things in my life that, though i wish i could, i can't forget.
Our past defines us. What I fear about my past is that it will define my future. I am made up of the experiences in my life. I am made of those things that, whether consciously or subconsciously, I retained and integrated. I fear the future. I worry that something will define me without my knowledge. I worry that I will define myself through someone else.
I care too much. I love too deeply. I think too strongly. I fall too quickly. I am indecisive and insecure and incapable of admitting it. I am strong and tireless and the world's problems roll off my shoulders. I am an actor, a lover, a musician, a fool, a friend. I am in love and shattered and content and complacent and confused and crystal clear. I am a pendulum.
Things i learned today:
- Instant Messenger has made the world smaller.
- A smile can be tragic.
- A frown can be euphoric.
- I don't have enough time to talk to you about everything.
- When indecision begins to manifest physically, it's time to decide.
- When all else fails, take a nap.
There is always more for the telling than i can tell. There is always something here that is secret and something there that cannot be shared. I am cursed by my own past, whether i look on it or not. It knows i'm here and, sometimes, slips out from under the carpet in my mind to say "remember me". I have my own personal dust bunny reminders of those things in my life that, though i wish i could, i can't forget.
Our past defines us. What I fear about my past is that it will define my future. I am made up of the experiences in my life. I am made of those things that, whether consciously or subconsciously, I retained and integrated. I fear the future. I worry that something will define me without my knowledge. I worry that I will define myself through someone else.
I care too much. I love too deeply. I think too strongly. I fall too quickly. I am indecisive and insecure and incapable of admitting it. I am strong and tireless and the world's problems roll off my shoulders. I am an actor, a lover, a musician, a fool, a friend. I am in love and shattered and content and complacent and confused and crystal clear. I am a pendulum.
Things i learned today:
- Instant Messenger has made the world smaller.
- A smile can be tragic.
- A frown can be euphoric.
- I don't have enough time to talk to you about everything.
- When indecision begins to manifest physically, it's time to decide.
- When all else fails, take a nap.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Fairy Tale Requiem
Suffering, Pain, loss, destruction, ya know...human nature. Loving, lusting, breaking, destroying, caring, amazing, ya know...human nature. I don't believe in believing any more. I believe truth is something we seek and never find. Trust is earned and broken, love is found and then lost. Human Nature? How about universally shitty. Where the hell is my fairy tale. I've altered my perceptions to find it. I've stayed awake for days looking. I've spent countless hours trying to puzzle out where my fairy tale could be.
It eludes me. It plays games with me, fooling me with oases of hope and love and trust, only to fade into the heat of the everyday humdrum like some mirage conjured soley to disappoint me. I wet my lips with what little water i have left and then press ever onward, hoping i find my fairy tale before i write my requiem.
Things i learned today:
- The only thing i'll ever hate about you is that part I can't have.
- Parallels draw people together.
- Blogging at 2am takes dedication, or maybe stupidity.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not always of the people it should.
It eludes me. It plays games with me, fooling me with oases of hope and love and trust, only to fade into the heat of the everyday humdrum like some mirage conjured soley to disappoint me. I wet my lips with what little water i have left and then press ever onward, hoping i find my fairy tale before i write my requiem.
Things i learned today:
- The only thing i'll ever hate about you is that part I can't have.
- Parallels draw people together.
- Blogging at 2am takes dedication, or maybe stupidity.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not always of the people it should.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Astrological
Figured i'd break the mold tonight. This is a song I wrote. I like it. It's not all set to music yet, but I think it might have potential.
"Astrological"
-----------------------
I had to lie
Down to the bottom
Star crossed lover
Balancing
I had to stay
This weight keeps shifting
Blue sky eyes
Balancing
I had to walk
This tight rope holds me
Friends not lovers
Balancing
This is no way to remember
Just hold back this act is killing me
I feel so cold this warm november
And after late night conversation
I get to feeling astrological
I have to lie
Down to the bottom
Solitary Libra
Balancing
This is no way to get over
just hold back this act is killing me
I felt so cold this warm october
And after late night inspiration
I get to feeling astrological
---------------------------------
Things i learned today:
- Sleep is my favorite addiction.
- Trying isn't always easy, because life can be very trying.
- Winter is coming.
"Astrological"
-----------------------
I had to lie
Down to the bottom
Star crossed lover
Balancing
I had to stay
This weight keeps shifting
Blue sky eyes
Balancing
I had to walk
This tight rope holds me
Friends not lovers
Balancing
This is no way to remember
Just hold back this act is killing me
I feel so cold this warm november
And after late night conversation
I get to feeling astrological
I have to lie
Down to the bottom
Solitary Libra
Balancing
This is no way to get over
just hold back this act is killing me
I felt so cold this warm october
And after late night inspiration
I get to feeling astrological
---------------------------------
Things i learned today:
- Sleep is my favorite addiction.
- Trying isn't always easy, because life can be very trying.
- Winter is coming.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Holidaze
I have a feeling the next few weeks of my life will be (as previously mentioned) a blur and then some. Looking at my schedule i cringe. Looking at the weather outside i want to cry. I'm just not ready for any of this.
This was slowly leaning toward mushy and eccentric tonight. I've pulled it away, deleting a paragraph of sap and crap...
Today should have been busy. I can honestly THANK the snow for something though. It scares the crap out of New Englanders. So i watched a movie and ate chinese food with Libra. I need whole days to spend with her sometimes (though i don't know if she'd appreciate that) just so we can finish all the bloody conversations we start. It's a frustrating, yet good, feeling to not be able to squeeze it all in.
Tonight, the fiance and I went grocery shopping. What fun that is. I feel so damn domestic when i come home from the grocery store. Pushing that cart with the one wheel that sticks a bit, deciding which meat and cereal to get and what's on sale this week. It's sickening to a large part of me, but it's comforting sometimes as well. Tonight brought about all the sickening parts. I did make it out with some chocolate cracker things, so color me excited.
Tomorrow is sure to be hellish. The day after continues the saga. If i could see a breather in sight i'd feel better. All i see in sight are bills and holidays. And here i'll be, in a daze, groaning at the alarm clock and cursing my bank account.
Things i learned today:
- I truly hate snow. I have too many reasons to list here, and it might make the faint of heart cry.
- Only Keanu Reeves could get upstaged by a poor makeup job.
- I love fortune cookies.
- Just when i think i know how cruel the universe really is, it adds something else to the list.
- word Cotton.
This was slowly leaning toward mushy and eccentric tonight. I've pulled it away, deleting a paragraph of sap and crap...
Today should have been busy. I can honestly THANK the snow for something though. It scares the crap out of New Englanders. So i watched a movie and ate chinese food with Libra. I need whole days to spend with her sometimes (though i don't know if she'd appreciate that) just so we can finish all the bloody conversations we start. It's a frustrating, yet good, feeling to not be able to squeeze it all in.
Tonight, the fiance and I went grocery shopping. What fun that is. I feel so damn domestic when i come home from the grocery store. Pushing that cart with the one wheel that sticks a bit, deciding which meat and cereal to get and what's on sale this week. It's sickening to a large part of me, but it's comforting sometimes as well. Tonight brought about all the sickening parts. I did make it out with some chocolate cracker things, so color me excited.
Tomorrow is sure to be hellish. The day after continues the saga. If i could see a breather in sight i'd feel better. All i see in sight are bills and holidays. And here i'll be, in a daze, groaning at the alarm clock and cursing my bank account.
Things i learned today:
- I truly hate snow. I have too many reasons to list here, and it might make the faint of heart cry.
- Only Keanu Reeves could get upstaged by a poor makeup job.
- I love fortune cookies.
- Just when i think i know how cruel the universe really is, it adds something else to the list.
- word Cotton.
Friday, December 03, 2004
If wishes were horses
In my current state, or should i say "mood", some people would advise me not to write in my blog. I didn't listen. So many random thoughts are chasing me in circles around my mind, I have to get some of them out of here.
What day is it? They seem to blur. Like looking out the window of a car at the curb. The line is there, steady and unbroken as you travel, but it's details are missing. That has been the past few days. Hell, that's been the past few years. Every once in a while things slow down, but those moments seem few and far between lately.
Emotions run wild. Though it's strange, I was writing songs like it was my job for a few weeks. Now they seem to have all slipped away for the time being. I'm not even sure why. I could formulate some theories, but I'm almost scared to. I think not feeling too good right now has put me into quite a funk.
I finally finished the first of the three books Libra suggested I read. I was up quite late last night finishing it and then, of course, i had to call her to talk about it. I couldn't get out much beyond "Oh my God!" for the first couple minutes of our conversation. I was so dumbstruck by the whole thing. I am looking forward to more, though I wish I could read at light speed so I know what happens now!! I would thank her for sharing such an amazing story with me but curse her for sharing the obsession. I suppose, with some things you get both, even if you don't want them.
Things i learned today (this week):
- The look is always the same on everyone.
- There is nothing like a good christmas heater...i mean carol to lift my spirits.
- Sometimes, I'm not so sure of being so sure of anything.
- The all night phone call. It brings back memories. It makes new ones too.
What day is it? They seem to blur. Like looking out the window of a car at the curb. The line is there, steady and unbroken as you travel, but it's details are missing. That has been the past few days. Hell, that's been the past few years. Every once in a while things slow down, but those moments seem few and far between lately.
Emotions run wild. Though it's strange, I was writing songs like it was my job for a few weeks. Now they seem to have all slipped away for the time being. I'm not even sure why. I could formulate some theories, but I'm almost scared to. I think not feeling too good right now has put me into quite a funk.
I finally finished the first of the three books Libra suggested I read. I was up quite late last night finishing it and then, of course, i had to call her to talk about it. I couldn't get out much beyond "Oh my God!" for the first couple minutes of our conversation. I was so dumbstruck by the whole thing. I am looking forward to more, though I wish I could read at light speed so I know what happens now!! I would thank her for sharing such an amazing story with me but curse her for sharing the obsession. I suppose, with some things you get both, even if you don't want them.
Things i learned today (this week):
- The look is always the same on everyone.
- There is nothing like a good christmas heater...i mean carol to lift my spirits.
- Sometimes, I'm not so sure of being so sure of anything.
- The all night phone call. It brings back memories. It makes new ones too.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
No Words
Say something softly
And remember how important
Remember the way it was and the way it will be
All this time I dream while conscious
How will I wake up tomorrow.
Things I learned today:
- Life doesn't kick one in the ass lightly.
- I'll never forget.
And remember how important
Remember the way it was and the way it will be
All this time I dream while conscious
How will I wake up tomorrow.
Things I learned today:
- Life doesn't kick one in the ass lightly.
- I'll never forget.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monologue
Speaking when no one is answering doesn't always mean they can't hear you. So it goes with monologues. This is my monologue. This is the place I go to think in words.
These days that are to come are tedious and full of work. Work means money. That's the good part. Work also means tired. Not the kind of tired you experience after a day spent at the beach or the picnic with the volleyball nets and bocce courts. This is the weary tired of the daily grind. This is the tired we experience when the day's tedium hunts out the jugular and takes us down.
This night, though, was filled with revelations and honesty. I can only hope that all good things will come. I will wish on those stars at night, as I always do, with one more wish now to contribute. I will say it every night until it comes true. It's just something I do.
Every road, trail and path i've walked in my life, whether good or bad, has been a self-defining sort of journey. These travels have lead me astray and returned me home. They have made me who I am and destroyed me. I might go back and block a few of those roads if I could. Regret makes us stronger, but love makes us whole.
Things I learned today:
- Monologue, Dialogue, Frog-alog, Lager. These are acceptable and recently accredited additions to the "-alog" family.
- The lucky ones get their wish granted. The unlucky ones get them all granted.
- My father taught me what perfection was before I was old enough to drive.
- Teaching and learning are sometimes simultaneous.
- Eddie Vedder wrote that song so I could play it for her when I was 16, though he may say otherwise.
- Life becomes more precious when it starts to go away.
- There are always stars in the sky.
These days that are to come are tedious and full of work. Work means money. That's the good part. Work also means tired. Not the kind of tired you experience after a day spent at the beach or the picnic with the volleyball nets and bocce courts. This is the weary tired of the daily grind. This is the tired we experience when the day's tedium hunts out the jugular and takes us down.
This night, though, was filled with revelations and honesty. I can only hope that all good things will come. I will wish on those stars at night, as I always do, with one more wish now to contribute. I will say it every night until it comes true. It's just something I do.
Every road, trail and path i've walked in my life, whether good or bad, has been a self-defining sort of journey. These travels have lead me astray and returned me home. They have made me who I am and destroyed me. I might go back and block a few of those roads if I could. Regret makes us stronger, but love makes us whole.
Things I learned today:
- Monologue, Dialogue, Frog-alog, Lager. These are acceptable and recently accredited additions to the "-alog" family.
- The lucky ones get their wish granted. The unlucky ones get them all granted.
- My father taught me what perfection was before I was old enough to drive.
- Teaching and learning are sometimes simultaneous.
- Eddie Vedder wrote that song so I could play it for her when I was 16, though he may say otherwise.
- Life becomes more precious when it starts to go away.
- There are always stars in the sky.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Apple Pie Ninjas
Ready....Set...Ikea.
If you have not been to an Ikea, i urge you to find one, go to one, make it a date, fly to one, take a vacation near one...just please please please check it out. It's worth it, i promise. You'll buy something. You can't resist. I saw a homeless guy buying a lamp while I was there last night. (Well not really, but he looked homeless.) We bought a futon, some plastic stuff, some other stuff, a rug...ya know, Ikea kinds of things.
Today was a futon-putting-together-cleaning the whole house-apple-pie-making-parent's-visiting-dinner-drinking-kind of day. It was fun. It was long. I'm tired and I'll probably start rambling shortly, so i'll just get onto the things I learned today.
Things I learned today (This weekend):
- Ikea turns normal people interior designers, for better or worse.
- We miss people even when we don't realize it.
- Love has nothing to do with gender.
- Making apple pie is a tedious process, but the reward is worth the tedium.
- Directions with no words. What is this country coming to?!!
- Burn that look onto your mind.
- Love is not a dream.
If you have not been to an Ikea, i urge you to find one, go to one, make it a date, fly to one, take a vacation near one...just please please please check it out. It's worth it, i promise. You'll buy something. You can't resist. I saw a homeless guy buying a lamp while I was there last night. (Well not really, but he looked homeless.) We bought a futon, some plastic stuff, some other stuff, a rug...ya know, Ikea kinds of things.
Today was a futon-putting-together-cleaning the whole house-apple-pie-making-parent's-visiting-dinner-drinking-kind of day. It was fun. It was long. I'm tired and I'll probably start rambling shortly, so i'll just get onto the things I learned today.
Things I learned today (This weekend):
- Ikea turns normal people interior designers, for better or worse.
- We miss people even when we don't realize it.
- Love has nothing to do with gender.
- Making apple pie is a tedious process, but the reward is worth the tedium.
- Directions with no words. What is this country coming to?!!
- Burn that look onto your mind.
- Love is not a dream.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
American Turkey
Thanksgiving has come and gone. I find it amusing that this holiday consists of so many stereotypical American components. We prepare an elaborate and lavish meal, we gather our families together (whether they want to be together or not), we eat and drink until we're full and tipsy and then...we take a nap or watch some football, or both. Could we GET any more American?
Nothing to report of interest on Thanksgiving. We ate at my mother's house this year, instead of having one HUGE family gathering, we had a couple of smaller ones. Then we met up afterwards for dessert. It was nice to eat with Mom and Dad in a smaller setting than the loud confusion that is usually this holiday.
The rest of the day was a triptophanic haze. Once we made it home, I decided to visit Libra. This time of year isn't the best and it was nice to get to see her, as it always is. We talked and laughed and looked at pictures while "The Stand" played in the background on her television. I didn't get home until 3am. But I wouldn't trade times like those for any in the world.
Now, the Christmas shopping begins...
Things I learned today (and on Thanksgiving):
- The cliche of how long it takes to make and then so much less to eat...why do we complain so much and then do it every year?
- Eating at a family function is like getting stuck in a food wormhole that endlessly creates new dishes to gorge ourselves on.
- After a day of wine, triptophane and mary jane, I need a vacation from my days off.
- Because you care, it hurts you.
- Never try and figure out what you've learned in 2 days worth of time while falling asleep at your keyboard. You may wear out your delete key.
Nothing to report of interest on Thanksgiving. We ate at my mother's house this year, instead of having one HUGE family gathering, we had a couple of smaller ones. Then we met up afterwards for dessert. It was nice to eat with Mom and Dad in a smaller setting than the loud confusion that is usually this holiday.
The rest of the day was a triptophanic haze. Once we made it home, I decided to visit Libra. This time of year isn't the best and it was nice to get to see her, as it always is. We talked and laughed and looked at pictures while "The Stand" played in the background on her television. I didn't get home until 3am. But I wouldn't trade times like those for any in the world.
Now, the Christmas shopping begins...
Things I learned today (and on Thanksgiving):
- The cliche of how long it takes to make and then so much less to eat...why do we complain so much and then do it every year?
- Eating at a family function is like getting stuck in a food wormhole that endlessly creates new dishes to gorge ourselves on.
- After a day of wine, triptophane and mary jane, I need a vacation from my days off.
- Because you care, it hurts you.
- Never try and figure out what you've learned in 2 days worth of time while falling asleep at your keyboard. You may wear out your delete key.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Insides and outsides
Later is what it is right now. Later is what I wish for. Later is what it will be before I can blink an eye. Later scares me. Now is bad enough. I can't imagine what's going to happen later, since Now is such a pain in the ass already.
Tonight is the night for philosophy. Tonight is about the insides, not the outsides. I'm not sure how it happened that this night became about the insides. I'll blame Libra. I'll thank her too. It's nice to know that she's there. Not just on the other end of the phone. There in the universe. Wow, i can't explain, but she knows where this is coming from.
The words I would write are too close. I wouldn't be able to get them out. Libra will appreciate this too. This is for you, well, for us and for my father and for our Pop Pops and Nanas...
"And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass"
---Counting Crows
Things i learned today:
- Murphy's law is a violation of my civil rights.
- People don't read things. And when you hand it to them to read...they ask you what it says.
- Buying Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market is the epitome of American laziness.
- I think I finally understand why grown-ups say the holidays are "hard".
- The best conversations in the world are marked by the dying of a cell phone battery.
- At some point...late becomes early.
Tonight is the night for philosophy. Tonight is about the insides, not the outsides. I'm not sure how it happened that this night became about the insides. I'll blame Libra. I'll thank her too. It's nice to know that she's there. Not just on the other end of the phone. There in the universe. Wow, i can't explain, but she knows where this is coming from.
The words I would write are too close. I wouldn't be able to get them out. Libra will appreciate this too. This is for you, well, for us and for my father and for our Pop Pops and Nanas...
"And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass"
---Counting Crows
Things i learned today:
- Murphy's law is a violation of my civil rights.
- People don't read things. And when you hand it to them to read...they ask you what it says.
- Buying Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market is the epitome of American laziness.
- I think I finally understand why grown-ups say the holidays are "hard".
- The best conversations in the world are marked by the dying of a cell phone battery.
- At some point...late becomes early.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Weekends fly...
A long weekend full of working and conversations and movies and just things to make a guy think.
It all started on Friday. I got to do a college fair for the school. We went to the wrong school first. It's amazing how many people don't know what's going on at their own school. Then, once we arrived at the proper location, we set up the table and rocked out the tunes. Nothing like a PA system and some rock and roll to shake up the ol' college fair atmosphere.
After the fair, we went back to the school and I popped into the end of the day class to see how things were going with my fellow teachers. We chatted a little after class and then Libra showed up. So we chatted for a moment about her plans for the day and I off-handedly reminded her we still had to go see "The Grudge" so we could compare it to "Ju-On". Her response was "Why not right now?" So we went to see a matinee of "The Grudge". Final analysis of the movie?...Go rent Ju-On.
Friday ended with some time spent at my old place of employment. I spent some time with a friend of mine there and we made some copies of a few of the shows I worked on while I was there. I'm planning on putting together a demo reel in the near future so I need all the footage I can get my hands on.
Saturday was work in the morning and then a buddy of mine and I went shopping (Comics and the bookstore...I'm a geek remember).Then we returned to my abode for some much needed video gaming. I showed off Half-Life 2 and we played some Ikaruga. (Yes yes, I already admitted I'm a geek dammit.)
Today (Sunday) was get up late, not do too much, take a nap in the afternoon to make up for some of the sleep I didn't get the night before, go to work, come home, watch television and write in the blog. It's not easy to write about a day that contains so very little. I did get to talk action movies with a customer today. It was fun to try and find something he HADN'T seen in that genre. I finally did come up with something (Equilibrium...Christian Bale...cool movie.) but it took some serious wracking of the cranial regions.
Now I sit here looking at the week ahead and shudder. So much to do, so many things to prepare. I wonder why we make the holidays such a big deal that they actually turn into a burden. Too much tradition and formality makes it hard to remember we're celebrating anything at all. So much planning, so much preparation and then POOF, you're ready to take a nap from all the triptophane. Bleh.
Things I learned today (This weekend):
- When going to a function at a school, go to the correct school.
- Japanese movies are made for smart people, American movies are made for Americans. (Though i would like to think SOME of use are intelligent.)
- Large pizzas are a scam. In fact, I'm convinced there's a conspiracy somewhere to convince people that the medium pizza is actually a large. Have you ordered a "large" lately? What a joke.
-Alabama must be a wasteland of horrible ideas and people who liked "The Grudge".
- Comic Books, Video Games, Computers and lovely-pictures-of-girls, these are a few of my favorite things.
- Doing nothing makes me tired.
- Its amazing how parallel our lives can be.
It all started on Friday. I got to do a college fair for the school. We went to the wrong school first. It's amazing how many people don't know what's going on at their own school. Then, once we arrived at the proper location, we set up the table and rocked out the tunes. Nothing like a PA system and some rock and roll to shake up the ol' college fair atmosphere.
After the fair, we went back to the school and I popped into the end of the day class to see how things were going with my fellow teachers. We chatted a little after class and then Libra showed up. So we chatted for a moment about her plans for the day and I off-handedly reminded her we still had to go see "The Grudge" so we could compare it to "Ju-On". Her response was "Why not right now?" So we went to see a matinee of "The Grudge". Final analysis of the movie?...Go rent Ju-On.
Friday ended with some time spent at my old place of employment. I spent some time with a friend of mine there and we made some copies of a few of the shows I worked on while I was there. I'm planning on putting together a demo reel in the near future so I need all the footage I can get my hands on.
Saturday was work in the morning and then a buddy of mine and I went shopping (Comics and the bookstore...I'm a geek remember).Then we returned to my abode for some much needed video gaming. I showed off Half-Life 2 and we played some Ikaruga. (Yes yes, I already admitted I'm a geek dammit.)
Today (Sunday) was get up late, not do too much, take a nap in the afternoon to make up for some of the sleep I didn't get the night before, go to work, come home, watch television and write in the blog. It's not easy to write about a day that contains so very little. I did get to talk action movies with a customer today. It was fun to try and find something he HADN'T seen in that genre. I finally did come up with something (Equilibrium...Christian Bale...cool movie.) but it took some serious wracking of the cranial regions.
Now I sit here looking at the week ahead and shudder. So much to do, so many things to prepare. I wonder why we make the holidays such a big deal that they actually turn into a burden. Too much tradition and formality makes it hard to remember we're celebrating anything at all. So much planning, so much preparation and then POOF, you're ready to take a nap from all the triptophane. Bleh.
Things I learned today (This weekend):
- When going to a function at a school, go to the correct school.
- Japanese movies are made for smart people, American movies are made for Americans. (Though i would like to think SOME of use are intelligent.)
- Large pizzas are a scam. In fact, I'm convinced there's a conspiracy somewhere to convince people that the medium pizza is actually a large. Have you ordered a "large" lately? What a joke.
-Alabama must be a wasteland of horrible ideas and people who liked "The Grudge".
- Comic Books, Video Games, Computers and lovely-pictures-of-girls, these are a few of my favorite things.
- Doing nothing makes me tired.
- Its amazing how parallel our lives can be.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Getting through it
It is now and will be until tomorrow, one of those nasty couple of days where different jobs butt up against each other, making the rest and down time seem miniscule. Though i won't complain too much, a fellow instructor told me his schedule the other day (for this week) and I almost collapsed just hearing about it.
Tuesday was mostly organization and planning for the next few days to come. I'm going to go to the ol' job on Fri evening and get some material to put my demo together (finally) so i can get it to a few people.
I also picked up Half-Life 2. It has not diappointed thus far and I suspect it will continue to please. My computer handles it considerably well and I'm impressed with the graphics, even at the settings I am using for my system, which are not the highest.
Other than that, it's been work work work. Today was class in the morning, movies in the evening. Class was excellent and I am looking forward to the following weeks with them. I have seen a lot of interest in television so that's always exciting for me.
The only deep thoughts i've had time for recently come in the form of someone else's current situation. I keep looking at my life and comparing it to other people's problems and situations and realizing that, while I may not love the things in my life quite the way they are, I am definitley not doing so bad. A rather optimistic thought from the realist, but it'll probably change tomorrow anyway.
Things i learned today:
- Meeting new people is awesome. Meeting a group of new people that is forced to listen to you for 3 hours...that's my definition of heaven.
- McDonald's food is the worst crap on the planet. That's why i went there today.
- Sometimes you need someone else to get you through it.
- When in doubt, hit something with a crowbar and see if there's magic medical supplies and random ammo inside.
Tuesday was mostly organization and planning for the next few days to come. I'm going to go to the ol' job on Fri evening and get some material to put my demo together (finally) so i can get it to a few people.
I also picked up Half-Life 2. It has not diappointed thus far and I suspect it will continue to please. My computer handles it considerably well and I'm impressed with the graphics, even at the settings I am using for my system, which are not the highest.
Other than that, it's been work work work. Today was class in the morning, movies in the evening. Class was excellent and I am looking forward to the following weeks with them. I have seen a lot of interest in television so that's always exciting for me.
The only deep thoughts i've had time for recently come in the form of someone else's current situation. I keep looking at my life and comparing it to other people's problems and situations and realizing that, while I may not love the things in my life quite the way they are, I am definitley not doing so bad. A rather optimistic thought from the realist, but it'll probably change tomorrow anyway.
Things i learned today:
- Meeting new people is awesome. Meeting a group of new people that is forced to listen to you for 3 hours...that's my definition of heaven.
- McDonald's food is the worst crap on the planet. That's why i went there today.
- Sometimes you need someone else to get you through it.
- When in doubt, hit something with a crowbar and see if there's magic medical supplies and random ammo inside.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
So much a blur
The days usually crawl. This weekend felt like it crawled. Then I looked up and noticed it was Tuesday. Time flew and I limped by on the sidelines, not paying attention to the hours ticking by. I guess it was just one of those weekends.
Saturday was a strange day. We woke up in the morning and watched Chronicles of Riddick over breakfast. It was a fun, entertaining, mindless action movie. Then we were planning on getting ready and going out to do some weekend type errands. Alas, the fiance kinda feinted in the shower. We went to the ER and waited for, count em...6 hours to see someone. We finally did and she clarified that due to having given blood earlier in the week and having taken a marathon shower, feinting was almost inevitable. So we went home, tired from all the waiting, and did nothing.
Sunday was comic day. We went to Buried Under and it took 2 or 3 dips into my folder to get everything out of it. I haven't been there in a little over a month, so it's my own damn fault. I put half of them back in, bought the other half and left with a headache. Then i worked at the ol' movie store Sunday night. Wether they pay me well or not, that job is interesting. And the free rentals help a lot.
Monday morning began with the opening of the new day class. KJ and I had a good time doing the interview game and talking about all things radio and television with a group of wide eyed new students. I hope they stay wide eyed. The next few weeks are an interesting mix of work, trying to find new work, and holidays. I'm trying to get mentally prepared for it now, knowing full well i'll never be prepared.
Thinks i learned today (this weekend):
- The only thing worth knowing about the Northern part of Ireland is that it's populated with mostly protestants.
- Posting in a blog(alog) is cool. It's cooler when people are actually reading it.
- Feinting in the shower sucks.
- The emergency room makes you go crazy and do stupid things like watch the Dallas reunion.
- Saying "We're still decorating" will only be good for so long, then it turns into "We're too lazy to finish moving in."
- My little black calendar simultaneously ruins and enriches my life every day. Opening that book is like doing yoga and smoking crack at the same time.
Saturday was a strange day. We woke up in the morning and watched Chronicles of Riddick over breakfast. It was a fun, entertaining, mindless action movie. Then we were planning on getting ready and going out to do some weekend type errands. Alas, the fiance kinda feinted in the shower. We went to the ER and waited for, count em...6 hours to see someone. We finally did and she clarified that due to having given blood earlier in the week and having taken a marathon shower, feinting was almost inevitable. So we went home, tired from all the waiting, and did nothing.
Sunday was comic day. We went to Buried Under and it took 2 or 3 dips into my folder to get everything out of it. I haven't been there in a little over a month, so it's my own damn fault. I put half of them back in, bought the other half and left with a headache. Then i worked at the ol' movie store Sunday night. Wether they pay me well or not, that job is interesting. And the free rentals help a lot.
Monday morning began with the opening of the new day class. KJ and I had a good time doing the interview game and talking about all things radio and television with a group of wide eyed new students. I hope they stay wide eyed. The next few weeks are an interesting mix of work, trying to find new work, and holidays. I'm trying to get mentally prepared for it now, knowing full well i'll never be prepared.
Thinks i learned today (this weekend):
- The only thing worth knowing about the Northern part of Ireland is that it's populated with mostly protestants.
- Posting in a blog(alog) is cool. It's cooler when people are actually reading it.
- Feinting in the shower sucks.
- The emergency room makes you go crazy and do stupid things like watch the Dallas reunion.
- Saying "We're still decorating" will only be good for so long, then it turns into "We're too lazy to finish moving in."
- My little black calendar simultaneously ruins and enriches my life every day. Opening that book is like doing yoga and smoking crack at the same time.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Somebody save me
Save me from the snow. Save me from myself. Save me from my life in general. Sometimes things feel so mundane i could scream. Then, at times, the world feels so bloody complicated that I wonder what it felt like when things were just moving along.
I was a movie-holic today. I watched "Ned Kelly". Which, if you haven't heard about it, is a movie based on the legend (and real person from what i understand) of Ned Kelly and the Kelly gang in Australia. It was very cool. Heath Ledger, Orlando Bloom, Naomi Watts means good strong acting. I might have to write a full on review for this one.
The other movie I saw this evening was "Saved". I love movies that are able to both attack a religious idea and also embrace it at the same time. This movie was set in a christian high school, with a group of extremely christian children. It was about high school, and how hard it is and how life sometimes gets in the way of religion. It was an excellent commentary on life and spirituality and the difficulties of having both without any extremes. It was just good.
Other than that and some sitting around typing on my computer and chatting with some people, it's been a snowy, cold day of conversations and contemplations, with only a couple of tears in the process.
Things i learned today:
- No one is perfect, not even my parents. But i got stuck with some of the best parents on the planet.
- Words are better with -alog attached to the endalog.
- Skydiving is scary, but sometimes it's the only way to get into the fortress.
- I love. I don't need to be specific with that, because when i write it like that it's always true.
- I'm sometimes tempted to name my first born child Mary Jane.
- When you have that chance, don't let it slip away.
- We think so much, sometimes we forget to just feel.
I was a movie-holic today. I watched "Ned Kelly". Which, if you haven't heard about it, is a movie based on the legend (and real person from what i understand) of Ned Kelly and the Kelly gang in Australia. It was very cool. Heath Ledger, Orlando Bloom, Naomi Watts means good strong acting. I might have to write a full on review for this one.
The other movie I saw this evening was "Saved". I love movies that are able to both attack a religious idea and also embrace it at the same time. This movie was set in a christian high school, with a group of extremely christian children. It was about high school, and how hard it is and how life sometimes gets in the way of religion. It was an excellent commentary on life and spirituality and the difficulties of having both without any extremes. It was just good.
Other than that and some sitting around typing on my computer and chatting with some people, it's been a snowy, cold day of conversations and contemplations, with only a couple of tears in the process.
Things i learned today:
- No one is perfect, not even my parents. But i got stuck with some of the best parents on the planet.
- Words are better with -alog attached to the endalog.
- Skydiving is scary, but sometimes it's the only way to get into the fortress.
- I love. I don't need to be specific with that, because when i write it like that it's always true.
- I'm sometimes tempted to name my first born child Mary Jane.
- When you have that chance, don't let it slip away.
- We think so much, sometimes we forget to just feel.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Windows to the soul
I definitely have a better appreciation of eyes now. I hung out with Libra a little while tonight and we watched Ju-On. This is the movie that the Grudge (now in theaters, check your local listings) is a remake of. What can i say...woah. It was intense, beautiful to watch and definitely worthy of being called one of the best horror films of all time.
We had heard that Robin Williams was going to be on Whose Line tonight so while i was up with Libra we watched it. I laughed loudly for a long time. It was excellent and nice to see Robin Williams getting to do what he's so good at with a group of guys who are some of the best improv performers out there. I would love to have been in that audience.
Other than that the day was work, meetings, work, bleh. I had a nice "quick" dinner with my fiance. We talked a little about the christmas plans. Yes, we're planning Christmas things already and no I won't call Guiness to tell them i'm doing something ahead of time. It's just necessary and I hope that it works out.
Things i learned today:
- People who overdub Japanese need to understand, just because the real voice is inflected a certain way doesn't mean you have to copy them when you translate. You sound like morons sometimes.
- Small dogs can be taken care of with a simple dose of good ol' fashioned mary jane.
- Full Frame DVD's are like appendixes. They might have been ok at some point, now they're pretty useless.
- I'd rather kill myself than hear another word about "Me and Emily".
- When scheduling something, remember to write it on the CORRECT day in your calendar.
- My little black book doesn't have a single damn phone number in it. But it does tell me what to do. Sounds like someone i dated in high school.
- I missed that feeling. Comfortable. I'm relieved to know it still exists.
We had heard that Robin Williams was going to be on Whose Line tonight so while i was up with Libra we watched it. I laughed loudly for a long time. It was excellent and nice to see Robin Williams getting to do what he's so good at with a group of guys who are some of the best improv performers out there. I would love to have been in that audience.
Other than that the day was work, meetings, work, bleh. I had a nice "quick" dinner with my fiance. We talked a little about the christmas plans. Yes, we're planning Christmas things already and no I won't call Guiness to tell them i'm doing something ahead of time. It's just necessary and I hope that it works out.
Things i learned today:
- People who overdub Japanese need to understand, just because the real voice is inflected a certain way doesn't mean you have to copy them when you translate. You sound like morons sometimes.
- Small dogs can be taken care of with a simple dose of good ol' fashioned mary jane.
- Full Frame DVD's are like appendixes. They might have been ok at some point, now they're pretty useless.
- I'd rather kill myself than hear another word about "Me and Emily".
- When scheduling something, remember to write it on the CORRECT day in your calendar.
- My little black book doesn't have a single damn phone number in it. But it does tell me what to do. Sounds like someone i dated in high school.
- I missed that feeling. Comfortable. I'm relieved to know it still exists.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Heart Helmets
I wish sometimes, (and i know you'll agree with me on this one) that I could get a helmet that fits my heart. If we are to believe that one person can think with three basic parts of themselves, (those parts being the brain, heart and genitalia), and we also know that 2 of those three parts can be protected, what of my heart? I'm going to invent some sort of force field helmet for my heart, make a fortune selling them to people. Believe me I know how this sounds. If my heart had any kind of protection, hell if ANY of us had any kind of protective barrier up in front of our hearts then life would be simpler, less nerve-racking. When you're around that certain someone and all you can think to do is kiss them, but you can't because of some stupid reason that seemed so good before you want to tear your hair out.
So i propose the Heart Helmet. Now go...invent it.
Things i learned today:
- Trucks with cranes on them are cool.
- Some people take convenience a little too far.
- Every day i try to return to normal, and every day i fall in love again.
- Communication is the most important part.
- A kiss is not just a kiss.
- Life is better when you're watching your trippy screen saver with your friends.
- Nachos rule, Monterey Jack rules, melt the latter over the former and PRESTO...instant heaven.
So i propose the Heart Helmet. Now go...invent it.
Things i learned today:
- Trucks with cranes on them are cool.
- Some people take convenience a little too far.
- Every day i try to return to normal, and every day i fall in love again.
- Communication is the most important part.
- A kiss is not just a kiss.
- Life is better when you're watching your trippy screen saver with your friends.
- Nachos rule, Monterey Jack rules, melt the latter over the former and PRESTO...instant heaven.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Days in the sun
Today I did not spend much time in the sun. That may explain my pale complexion, it may explain my pale explanation, it might even explain my pale interaction.
How random can I possibly be in a weblog post. Probably a bit worse, but then you'd stop reading and go "He's on drugs." So instead, let's talk about what I did today (Sunday).
Got up this morning and did the ol' computer morning routine along with the rest of my morning routines. I made a little breakfast, read some of the book Libra gave me and then read some more. I wound up taking a nap in the afternoon before work because I knew i'd need it before the night of fun at the movie store.
The job, as always, was most enlightening about the human condition. I seem to learn more there about people than i do when i'm teaching a room full of students. It's a very good place to be an observer of people, and since i tend to do that anyway, i'm like a bloody bird watcher at work. People worry me, scare me and make me laugh. This is all thanks to my silly job at the movie store. *sigh*
Things i learned today:
-Trying to hum a song to someone in an IM...yeah that doesn't work.
- Everyone who needs a bag for their movie assumes that I know they need a bag, so they are angry when i don't give them one. I must be a lousy mindreader.
- What is it about the Kates, Caits, Katherines and Caitlyns in the world that intrigues me so?
- I love cigarettes.
- I can't afford to smoke.
- Cigarettes are bad for you, and costly.
- I hate cigarettes.
- If i could spend my life making movie quotes and hacing people guess and get them to pay me to do it, i'd be the happies man alive.
- If i could turn back time, if i could find a way. I'd take back all the words that have hurt you and you'd stay.
How random can I possibly be in a weblog post. Probably a bit worse, but then you'd stop reading and go "He's on drugs." So instead, let's talk about what I did today (Sunday).
Got up this morning and did the ol' computer morning routine along with the rest of my morning routines. I made a little breakfast, read some of the book Libra gave me and then read some more. I wound up taking a nap in the afternoon before work because I knew i'd need it before the night of fun at the movie store.
The job, as always, was most enlightening about the human condition. I seem to learn more there about people than i do when i'm teaching a room full of students. It's a very good place to be an observer of people, and since i tend to do that anyway, i'm like a bloody bird watcher at work. People worry me, scare me and make me laugh. This is all thanks to my silly job at the movie store. *sigh*
Things i learned today:
-Trying to hum a song to someone in an IM...yeah that doesn't work.
- Everyone who needs a bag for their movie assumes that I know they need a bag, so they are angry when i don't give them one. I must be a lousy mindreader.
- What is it about the Kates, Caits, Katherines and Caitlyns in the world that intrigues me so?
- I love cigarettes.
- I can't afford to smoke.
- Cigarettes are bad for you, and costly.
- I hate cigarettes.
- If i could spend my life making movie quotes and hacing people guess and get them to pay me to do it, i'd be the happies man alive.
- If i could turn back time, if i could find a way. I'd take back all the words that have hurt you and you'd stay.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Stepford Saturday
I had to work on Saturday. Bleh. I have to work today (Sunday) as well. Bleh again. But work is rather important at this juncture in the life of my bank account considering how much money i have. Bleh again again.
After work we picked up a Pizza Hut "Full House" pizza. Ok, I'm a victim of advertising, I admit it! It was pretty good. We agreed that we did not like it as much as their straight up deep dish with the mega-oily crust. Artery clogging goodness.
During the artery-clogging ingestion of pizza and beer (Bass is her new favorite. Well, her first favorite actually.) we watched the Stepford Wives. Excellent movie. After some research, she discovered that William Goldman wrote the original screenplay. I love that man.
After movie and arterial mania I proceeded down into the lair. I spoke with Libra about the book she let me borrow. It's not often i borrow books from people and really, truly, enjoy them. I'll read them, go "eh" and say thanks for the read. This book (and I'm guessing the whole series) is a little bit addicting. I can't read fast enough.
Things I learned today:
- Nicole Kidman is lovely. Shes lovelier as a robot slave woman that will do whatever I say.
- I believe in a thing called love, regardless of what The Darkness says.
- She's hiding behind walls. She's teasing people with ladders. I worry for the hearts involved in the outcome.
- I think they should be called "Extra Features" not "Special Features". The word special implies more than most features can live up to.
- Marijuana is better than coffee for helping you get rid of a headache and sleep soundly through a night.
- My mother is on Martha's Vineyard while I write this. She's cleaning the house. I'd still rather be there than here.
After work we picked up a Pizza Hut "Full House" pizza. Ok, I'm a victim of advertising, I admit it! It was pretty good. We agreed that we did not like it as much as their straight up deep dish with the mega-oily crust. Artery clogging goodness.
During the artery-clogging ingestion of pizza and beer (Bass is her new favorite. Well, her first favorite actually.) we watched the Stepford Wives. Excellent movie. After some research, she discovered that William Goldman wrote the original screenplay. I love that man.
After movie and arterial mania I proceeded down into the lair. I spoke with Libra about the book she let me borrow. It's not often i borrow books from people and really, truly, enjoy them. I'll read them, go "eh" and say thanks for the read. This book (and I'm guessing the whole series) is a little bit addicting. I can't read fast enough.
Things I learned today:
- Nicole Kidman is lovely. Shes lovelier as a robot slave woman that will do whatever I say.
- I believe in a thing called love, regardless of what The Darkness says.
- She's hiding behind walls. She's teasing people with ladders. I worry for the hearts involved in the outcome.
- I think they should be called "Extra Features" not "Special Features". The word special implies more than most features can live up to.
- Marijuana is better than coffee for helping you get rid of a headache and sleep soundly through a night.
- My mother is on Martha's Vineyard while I write this. She's cleaning the house. I'd still rather be there than here.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Buying Hangers
Today (Friday) was my day off. Not to say that I did nothing today, just that I didn't HAVE to do anything. I watched "Poolhall Junkies". A movie about, you guessed it, poolhalls. I enjoyed it immensely. I read some reviews of it online that didn't like it, but I disagree.
Then i did some more laundry. Yes I realize i've been doing laundry for like 3 days or something, but I hadn't done ALL of my laundry for months. It was always a smattering of laundry-duty here and there. I needed socks, i washed some socks and a few other things (To fill up the load). But I set out on a mission a couple days ago to get it ALL done. It is.
I also organized it and hung it. Next thing you know i'm going to be buying hangers because i'm running out. Wait, i did that today. I also bought some sort of male facial cleanser. So either i'm spontaneously becoming a metrosexual or all that advertising on television about that male facial cleanser has worked. We'll see if it becomes part of the daily routine.
Things i learned today:
- The DMV won't let you have "SHIT" on a license plate, but they will allow "SHITTY".
- Attaching "-alog" to any word makes it funny and interesting to sayalog. (See!?)
- I organize by throwing away useless crap. Or, at least, I think it's useless, i hope they agree when they find out i hucked it.
- Automatic transmissions are for pansies, a few of my friends are exceptions because they're pansies regardless of what they drive.
- Pets are like children with no potential for THEM to take care of YOU someday.
Then i did some more laundry. Yes I realize i've been doing laundry for like 3 days or something, but I hadn't done ALL of my laundry for months. It was always a smattering of laundry-duty here and there. I needed socks, i washed some socks and a few other things (To fill up the load). But I set out on a mission a couple days ago to get it ALL done. It is.
I also organized it and hung it. Next thing you know i'm going to be buying hangers because i'm running out. Wait, i did that today. I also bought some sort of male facial cleanser. So either i'm spontaneously becoming a metrosexual or all that advertising on television about that male facial cleanser has worked. We'll see if it becomes part of the daily routine.
Things i learned today:
- The DMV won't let you have "SHIT" on a license plate, but they will allow "SHITTY".
- Attaching "-alog" to any word makes it funny and interesting to sayalog. (See!?)
- I organize by throwing away useless crap. Or, at least, I think it's useless, i hope they agree when they find out i hucked it.
- Automatic transmissions are for pansies, a few of my friends are exceptions because they're pansies regardless of what they drive.
- Pets are like children with no potential for THEM to take care of YOU someday.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Propane is flammable
I find myself, at 1 in the morning, trying to remember what today has consisted of and only being able to remember what time it is. I need to write earlier. I will try to keep this coherent.
One thing i've learned is that I'll never be bored at home. I have so many distractions in my living space that I actually get distracted from simple things like laundry and making lunch. Between the computers and the game systems and the television and the piano and the guitar and the books and...you get the idea.
I woke up later than i wanted to. I went downstairs and was distracted from my morning "taking of the pills" by the guitar. I played through some songs i've written recently, not liking how my voice sounds when i first wake up. Then i carried on with the morning routine until I found myself doing laundry and then settling into my desk chair, my computer monitor fading from black to my desktop, Elisha Cuthbert wallpaper in all it's glory. I checked the email, checked the buddy list, read some news. It was a pretty standard morning of domestic responsibility shunned for the internet and other distractions.
Then i went to work in the afternoon. I began organizing the editing rooms. I worked and chatted with some people until this evening. Then we graduated the Summer 2004 Tu/Th class. It was nice to see people's relatives and friends there. They worked so hard, I'm glad they got to share some of it with people they care about.
How mundane is all of this? I'm not even trying for mundane, it's just happening that way. I will say this though. Tonight wasn't the first time i've been at a class graduation, but for some reason I was thinking a lot about that place and the people. I meet so many people, and I realized tonight, what has always been the case. Everyone i meet, regardless of how well i wind up knowing them, changes my life. That's one of the reasons why i love this job.
Some things i learned today:
- Doing laundry would be so much better if someone else did it for me.
- Propane is flammable, but not that flammable.
- CSB and ADD are almost synonomous sometimes.
- I need a new dayminder, mine ends in December.
- Life goes on and usually we go with it. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
- Chinese food is only good until you swallow it.
One thing i've learned is that I'll never be bored at home. I have so many distractions in my living space that I actually get distracted from simple things like laundry and making lunch. Between the computers and the game systems and the television and the piano and the guitar and the books and...you get the idea.
I woke up later than i wanted to. I went downstairs and was distracted from my morning "taking of the pills" by the guitar. I played through some songs i've written recently, not liking how my voice sounds when i first wake up. Then i carried on with the morning routine until I found myself doing laundry and then settling into my desk chair, my computer monitor fading from black to my desktop, Elisha Cuthbert wallpaper in all it's glory. I checked the email, checked the buddy list, read some news. It was a pretty standard morning of domestic responsibility shunned for the internet and other distractions.
Then i went to work in the afternoon. I began organizing the editing rooms. I worked and chatted with some people until this evening. Then we graduated the Summer 2004 Tu/Th class. It was nice to see people's relatives and friends there. They worked so hard, I'm glad they got to share some of it with people they care about.
How mundane is all of this? I'm not even trying for mundane, it's just happening that way. I will say this though. Tonight wasn't the first time i've been at a class graduation, but for some reason I was thinking a lot about that place and the people. I meet so many people, and I realized tonight, what has always been the case. Everyone i meet, regardless of how well i wind up knowing them, changes my life. That's one of the reasons why i love this job.
Some things i learned today:
- Doing laundry would be so much better if someone else did it for me.
- Propane is flammable, but not that flammable.
- CSB and ADD are almost synonomous sometimes.
- I need a new dayminder, mine ends in December.
- Life goes on and usually we go with it. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
- Chinese food is only good until you swallow it.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
All in your hands
Well calling it an interesting day doesn't do it justice, and calling it a "good" day isn't quite true. Though calling it a bad day would also be a lie. It was a day to remember for a number of reasons, not all of them good.
The damn election first of all. What the hell? For once in my life i've taken to caring about politics and it sucks. I can almost hear them announcing the draft and the instatement of a new "decency" act to drive Radio and Television back to the 1950s again. *sigh*
I'll try and sum up the rest of the day in a couple of sentences. I went to work this morning, played Fahrenheit 9/11, complained with some customers about last night. I saw a friend after work whom i have not seen in a while, we chatted, it was excellent. I have a book to read now. I came home, chatted with a bunch of people all night and here I am. Boring day. Enlightening day.
Some things i learned today:
- It's harder to count rolls of pennies when they are stacked on top of each other.
- Beautiful women riding bicycles to drop off movies at the movie store shouldn't be allowed to bring their boyfriends.
- Buy 2 Get 1 Free is a better deal than Buy 2 get 2 Free.(according to one woman anyway.)
- For a guy who tries to be happy all the time, i'm piling on the regrets like gravy.
- I will sleep soundly tonight, for the first time in a long time.
- William Goldman was right, is right and will always be right.
- She didn't go away.
The damn election first of all. What the hell? For once in my life i've taken to caring about politics and it sucks. I can almost hear them announcing the draft and the instatement of a new "decency" act to drive Radio and Television back to the 1950s again. *sigh*
I'll try and sum up the rest of the day in a couple of sentences. I went to work this morning, played Fahrenheit 9/11, complained with some customers about last night. I saw a friend after work whom i have not seen in a while, we chatted, it was excellent. I have a book to read now. I came home, chatted with a bunch of people all night and here I am. Boring day. Enlightening day.
Some things i learned today:
- It's harder to count rolls of pennies when they are stacked on top of each other.
- Beautiful women riding bicycles to drop off movies at the movie store shouldn't be allowed to bring their boyfriends.
- Buy 2 Get 1 Free is a better deal than Buy 2 get 2 Free.(according to one woman anyway.)
- For a guy who tries to be happy all the time, i'm piling on the regrets like gravy.
- I will sleep soundly tonight, for the first time in a long time.
- William Goldman was right, is right and will always be right.
- She didn't go away.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Woven
"These are the webs that we've weaved. I mean woven."
Yes, that was one of the more interesting parts of the day. Oh well, i never did claim I had good english. But that does sum up what the day was like. Very very random.
I've been thinking a lot about Vegas as I talk to other people about my experiences in sin city. I point out some of the interesting contradictions i noticed and most people shrug it off as if to say "Well of course, wasn't it obvious." Maybe it was obvious, but i marvel at having seen it in person. Something is always different when you experience it up close and personal. That's why, when it all comes down to it, watching porn will never be as good as having sex. (woah, it must be late if i'm using porn as a reference.)
Some things i learned today:
-Red hats look good on K-Rock
-Eating Wendy's before class is a lousy idea
-Sometimes I wish i was 30 and played billiards.
-It's cold enough to wear a jacket now.
-Sometimes an explanation wasn't worth the effort.
-Advice only makes sense if you take it.
-More than 2 colors in her hair doesn't make her sexy, everything else about her makes her sexy, the hair is just cool.
-Sometimes compliments get you into trouble, even when they're taken well.
-Staying up late is only worth it if you have something to do. Otherwise you wind up writing in your weblog at a ridiculous hour and it comes out poorly.
Yes, that was one of the more interesting parts of the day. Oh well, i never did claim I had good english. But that does sum up what the day was like. Very very random.
I've been thinking a lot about Vegas as I talk to other people about my experiences in sin city. I point out some of the interesting contradictions i noticed and most people shrug it off as if to say "Well of course, wasn't it obvious." Maybe it was obvious, but i marvel at having seen it in person. Something is always different when you experience it up close and personal. That's why, when it all comes down to it, watching porn will never be as good as having sex. (woah, it must be late if i'm using porn as a reference.)
Some things i learned today:
-Red hats look good on K-Rock
-Eating Wendy's before class is a lousy idea
-Sometimes I wish i was 30 and played billiards.
-It's cold enough to wear a jacket now.
-Sometimes an explanation wasn't worth the effort.
-Advice only makes sense if you take it.
-More than 2 colors in her hair doesn't make her sexy, everything else about her makes her sexy, the hair is just cool.
-Sometimes compliments get you into trouble, even when they're taken well.
-Staying up late is only worth it if you have something to do. Otherwise you wind up writing in your weblog at a ridiculous hour and it comes out poorly.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Vegas lights
What can I say about Vegas. It is a city of sparkling lights and constant music. It is a city that is always awake and always aware of the people who inhabit it's casinos and nightclubs. It is a city where people go to have fun. It is a city of denial and desperation.
From the moment i stepped onto the strip i knew what i felt. I felt potential. It was the potential of something that does not exist. It was every get rich quick scheme in the world within 5 miles of itself.
I loved it.
I knew i wasn't there to make any money. I was there to have fun. Making money was a side project. I'm amazed i made it out alive. This place is a living breathing contradiction. It says "have fun, don't worry about money" and within the same breath is whipering "You need just a little more for this next roll of the dice."
So without all the philosophy of Vegas I did have a very good time. It is amazing how debauchery promotes clarity. We went to casinos until 5 in the morning, we went to bars and got drunk and met beautiful women. We went to strip clubs and watched some of the most stunning women in the world tease us with something we were not allowed to have. (Though according to one cab driver, some of them would allow anything for a price.) We had fun, we spent money, we ignored any responsibility except self-fulfillment. I understand the draw of Vegas. I hate it because i want it to be "all the time".
In the end of it all, the gambling and the women and the drinking were not what i loved about Vegas. I loved that Vegas didn't care about my problems. I loved that I could be zen without being solitary.
I have never felt as much clarity as that morning when i left the condo alone and went to the Bellagio. I played craps with a table-full of people, some of whom i recognized from the night before. I laughed and groaned and somehow also thought about all my problems, all the things i was worried about in my life, in the reality that existed in CT.
Nothing is over. Nothing is solved. I don't have any money. I have less since Vegas. I have so many things to get in order. But I do have one thing i didn't a week ago.
I have hope.
From the moment i stepped onto the strip i knew what i felt. I felt potential. It was the potential of something that does not exist. It was every get rich quick scheme in the world within 5 miles of itself.
I loved it.
I knew i wasn't there to make any money. I was there to have fun. Making money was a side project. I'm amazed i made it out alive. This place is a living breathing contradiction. It says "have fun, don't worry about money" and within the same breath is whipering "You need just a little more for this next roll of the dice."
So without all the philosophy of Vegas I did have a very good time. It is amazing how debauchery promotes clarity. We went to casinos until 5 in the morning, we went to bars and got drunk and met beautiful women. We went to strip clubs and watched some of the most stunning women in the world tease us with something we were not allowed to have. (Though according to one cab driver, some of them would allow anything for a price.) We had fun, we spent money, we ignored any responsibility except self-fulfillment. I understand the draw of Vegas. I hate it because i want it to be "all the time".
In the end of it all, the gambling and the women and the drinking were not what i loved about Vegas. I loved that Vegas didn't care about my problems. I loved that I could be zen without being solitary.
I have never felt as much clarity as that morning when i left the condo alone and went to the Bellagio. I played craps with a table-full of people, some of whom i recognized from the night before. I laughed and groaned and somehow also thought about all my problems, all the things i was worried about in my life, in the reality that existed in CT.
Nothing is over. Nothing is solved. I don't have any money. I have less since Vegas. I have so many things to get in order. But I do have one thing i didn't a week ago.
I have hope.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Somnus
Means sleep. Which is exactly what i need. It felt like it took forever to come home last night from Vegas. I left LAS at 1:30 in the morning this morning after having been going since 9AM when we checked out. I was already tired and pretty broke but i'd had a great time. I'll fill you in on all the fun events when my eyes aren't half closed. I will say this though, It's amazing what perspective debauchery can help you realize.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Happy birthday to me.
This will be my last post until i return. Unless, of course, the place i'm staying has internet access. (considering the place, it might.) I'm not sure what to expect. The thoughts careening through my conscious are all of preparation and timing. But i know that, lying dormant in my subconscious is the problem at hand and those decisions still unmade.
I hope to all the stars in the sky that this trip helps me to come to terms with so many things, but especially with myself, and my life. I'm frightened of the decisions i may make but i'm more frightened of not making a decision and letting the forces that be decide my own fate for me.
Call this a last, desparate attempt to put this mass of days lumped together by sleeplessness and responsibility into some sort of order and meaning. Chaos is definitely a spectator sport.
So that's my plan. Channel all the chaos out of my life and into the craps tables, bars, attractions, shows, lights, booze and poker rooms of Las Vegas.
Here's hoping Destiny likes my plan.
I hope to all the stars in the sky that this trip helps me to come to terms with so many things, but especially with myself, and my life. I'm frightened of the decisions i may make but i'm more frightened of not making a decision and letting the forces that be decide my own fate for me.
Call this a last, desparate attempt to put this mass of days lumped together by sleeplessness and responsibility into some sort of order and meaning. Chaos is definitely a spectator sport.
So that's my plan. Channel all the chaos out of my life and into the craps tables, bars, attractions, shows, lights, booze and poker rooms of Las Vegas.
Here's hoping Destiny likes my plan.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Vacation...or something like it.
It's almost time. Thank God. I'm packing as we speak, (well as you read anyway) and I'm looking forward to be anywhere but here.
I had a rude awakening last night at around 2 in the morning. Aside from the Sox winning their game (could that have taken any longer?). I also remembered what a bastard Destiny can be sometimes. That's a longer story than i'd like to get into. I wish i didn't feel the way i feel or all of this would be so much easier. Instead i hurt.
Aside from the events of my sleepless night, I had to get up this morning and get my printer working (not set up since i moved). What a pain in the ass printers can be sometimes. But it's working now and i'm printing my trip itinerary.
Please let me go away!! Someday when i'm rich i'm going to found a town on an island somewhere called "Away". And people will have to apply to live there like that Disney neighborhood for the well-groomed elite. But mine will be filled with Artists and romantics and people who need to be "away" more than once a year.
I may post from my destination, but in case I don't. adios, adieu and goodbye. I'll let you know how "away" treats me, in as much detail as allowed by law, soon.
I had a rude awakening last night at around 2 in the morning. Aside from the Sox winning their game (could that have taken any longer?). I also remembered what a bastard Destiny can be sometimes. That's a longer story than i'd like to get into. I wish i didn't feel the way i feel or all of this would be so much easier. Instead i hurt.
Aside from the events of my sleepless night, I had to get up this morning and get my printer working (not set up since i moved). What a pain in the ass printers can be sometimes. But it's working now and i'm printing my trip itinerary.
Please let me go away!! Someday when i'm rich i'm going to found a town on an island somewhere called "Away". And people will have to apply to live there like that Disney neighborhood for the well-groomed elite. But mine will be filled with Artists and romantics and people who need to be "away" more than once a year.
I may post from my destination, but in case I don't. adios, adieu and goodbye. I'll let you know how "away" treats me, in as much detail as allowed by law, soon.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Money? What Money?
Money money everywhere and not a drop to....drink? No spend is more appropriate. I went clothes shopping today because of the Vegas trip. I found some things that I like on myself and bought some shoes as well. It's actually pretty revolting how much most of the stuff costs. I mean, i understand it has to be made and marked up and marked up again and blah blah blah...but come on!!
I also talked to a friend of mine in California today who, sadly, related to me that my geography sucks and it's approximately six hours from San Francisco to Las Vegas. Oh well, i was hoping she could come visit but it's not as short a trip as I thought. And yes, my geography does suck.
All in all, it's been a most active day and I still have more to do. The game is on tonight at 7:30 (if i have to specify which game, stop reading and go directly to mlb.com, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.) and a friend of mine is coming to visit and watch with me. Good times. Beer times. Distractions from my other wise depressing existence of the past months.
Just pray they win.
I also talked to a friend of mine in California today who, sadly, related to me that my geography sucks and it's approximately six hours from San Francisco to Las Vegas. Oh well, i was hoping she could come visit but it's not as short a trip as I thought. And yes, my geography does suck.
All in all, it's been a most active day and I still have more to do. The game is on tonight at 7:30 (if i have to specify which game, stop reading and go directly to mlb.com, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.) and a friend of mine is coming to visit and watch with me. Good times. Beer times. Distractions from my other wise depressing existence of the past months.
Just pray they win.
Rain
It's raining. Not just outside. It's 2:05 in the morning, and it's raining. I feel like the mundane has invaded. I feel like the things in life that are the most important to me have become wishes, things i think about in the moments before i sink into fitful and too-short sleep.
I'm going to Vegas. It seems random. Yet, in light of the current events in my life, it also seems completely necessary. I need a vacation. Not from my job(s) or from any one specific thing. I need a vacation from myself. This self that had, up until recently, embraced the mundane as if it were all that he had to live for now.
I suppose, at this time of night, I shouldn't be writing. Then again, maybe this is the best time for me to do this. Perhaps we'll try doing this late in the evening, after the world has left me alone to my own devices.
For the first time in a while, i have something to look forward too that doesn't involve what my computer downloaded that day while I was at work. I'm excited, but i'm also scared. I'm scared that when i do look at myself from the outside, as a spectator, i'm going to see what I am and see what decisions i should be making. I'm scared of those decisions.
So it's time to attempt to sleep. I have so many things to do before i'm ready to go on this random trip. So many things, and none of them are bothering me. Am I mentally prepared for the results of this "sabbatical"? I'll let you know on the 23rd.
I'm going to Vegas. It seems random. Yet, in light of the current events in my life, it also seems completely necessary. I need a vacation. Not from my job(s) or from any one specific thing. I need a vacation from myself. This self that had, up until recently, embraced the mundane as if it were all that he had to live for now.
I suppose, at this time of night, I shouldn't be writing. Then again, maybe this is the best time for me to do this. Perhaps we'll try doing this late in the evening, after the world has left me alone to my own devices.
For the first time in a while, i have something to look forward too that doesn't involve what my computer downloaded that day while I was at work. I'm excited, but i'm also scared. I'm scared that when i do look at myself from the outside, as a spectator, i'm going to see what I am and see what decisions i should be making. I'm scared of those decisions.
So it's time to attempt to sleep. I have so many things to do before i'm ready to go on this random trip. So many things, and none of them are bothering me. Am I mentally prepared for the results of this "sabbatical"? I'll let you know on the 23rd.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Another new beginning
It's time to start again. This is another attempt to actually catalog
some of my life and my feelings somewhere out there for people to see
and react to. Now, whether i'm going to be any better this time around
than i have been in the past is beyond me. But I will try. This is
also a test to see if I can send this through my email without having
to go into the website to actually write something. We shall see.
some of my life and my feelings somewhere out there for people to see
and react to. Now, whether i'm going to be any better this time around
than i have been in the past is beyond me. But I will try. This is
also a test to see if I can send this through my email without having
to go into the website to actually write something. We shall see.
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