Remember when we were innocent of the real world? Remember when all the things we did were for ourselves? Remember when we thought we were mature? Remember when?
I returned to the town of my college experience today. I've been here a few times in the past five years. Tonight and tomorrow, though, seem to be different. There is a feeling of the eclectic here this time. There is a feeling of reconnection too. I saw, tonight, for the first time in a long time, some of the people that were so important to me while I was here. Ms. D and her daughter are both amazing people and it was so comfortable to see them tonight.
GaussGoat and his lovely lady James allowed me to crash at their place this weekend. They have my thanks. It was awesome to spend the night and go out "on the town". I wasn't feeling a hundred percent, but they made sure that I ignored that fact the entire evening. I saw Bowes and his roomate, let's call him WhiskeyDrinker for the hell of it. We ate chinese and drank Mai Tais. Then we went to some of the spots I remember from my time here. We drank Gin and Tonic that should have been called "glass of gin". We played pool. It was a "night out" that I seldom experience. It was alive and refreshing. Remember when nights like this happened all the time?
Now i'm sitting here in the abode of the GaussGoat. The cold medicine is doing a number on my cold and my brain is in overdrive with thoughts of tomorrow. So many people, and it's been so long. Five years that I haven't seen some of them. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm awake. I'm tired.
Things I learned today:
- Just live.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Illness
That's the word i'd use to define me right now. I'm sick. It sucks. It's some sort of cough/cold thing that I hope and pray does not turn into anything other than that. I'm taking all the vitamins and meds I can to keep it at bay. And i'm supposed to go away this weekend!! Dammit. I apologize for the lack of the poetic this evening. I'll try a little bit from here on out.
I was completely in my element this evening. The school is doing a project with a non-profit. We are filming a documentary and some TV commercials, as well as some radio spots. Tonight was the first pre-production meeting with the "client" and the "crew". The crew happens to be all former students. I'm very excited. Sitting there this evening, i remembered the things I love about this industry. I remembered the meetings i'd been in for other projects in the real world and i could sense the level of tension in the room. It was the realization that this was not class. That even though they were working on it with the school, it's the real deal. I tried to reiterate that as much as I could. I think i made my point a number of times. I'm excited. Could you tell?
Things I learned today(yesterday):
-I'm bad at being sick. I whine and worry.
- I'm a dirty boy. I think dirty. I need to watch that.
- Talking to her is dangerous. I like dangerous.
I was completely in my element this evening. The school is doing a project with a non-profit. We are filming a documentary and some TV commercials, as well as some radio spots. Tonight was the first pre-production meeting with the "client" and the "crew". The crew happens to be all former students. I'm very excited. Sitting there this evening, i remembered the things I love about this industry. I remembered the meetings i'd been in for other projects in the real world and i could sense the level of tension in the room. It was the realization that this was not class. That even though they were working on it with the school, it's the real deal. I tried to reiterate that as much as I could. I think i made my point a number of times. I'm excited. Could you tell?
Things I learned today(yesterday):
-I'm bad at being sick. I whine and worry.
- I'm a dirty boy. I think dirty. I need to watch that.
- Talking to her is dangerous. I like dangerous.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Clocks
When i was younger. When I was still in high school, a friend of mine said "I don't wear a watch, watches constrict fun." I spent many years remembering that. It was stored in that file in my head marked "really important things people said without knowing it." (a long title for a file, but you get the idea.) It was always there with "walk it off" and the others.
Last night, It wasn't filed. It was staring me in the face. Diners are amazing places. The people, the mood, the overall aura that exists in a diner is one that defies all clocks. I walked in not feeling well, I was physically "under the weather", and I was spiritually a little worn. I left feeling physically tired and still a little "under the weather." Spiritually though, I was alive, I was soaring.
We talked. All night. We talked about everything. We played the game of smiles. My face still hurts. She proves to me time and time again that I cannot win and still I try. She made me talk about my life. It was scary. I felt vulnerable, naked. I remember when it was, though, that I decided that I could trust her, at least that much.
I always thought that blue eyes were enchanting. Brown eyes, like mine, are beautiful at times, but seldom do they give clarity like the blue. But then I looked in those eyes. Her eyes. And the clarity, the depth, the movement i felt made me catch my breath. I trusted her then. The night was still young when it happened. The clock wasn't laughing at me yet.
It was a night for honesty. It was a night for paying attention, for watching. I watched so many things. Movements, people, eyes, expressions. Sometimes I even watched myself, feeling a strange sense of third person. I didn't watch the clock. I didn't care. I admitted I didn't want to leave, even when we did. Too much real life and cold out that doorway. But the clock is my friend and the clock is my enemy.
So much and so little space. No specifics. No need. She is. I am. This is so many things. Complicated and simple and easy and hard. It's contradiction and confirmation and deep and shallow and humorous and dire. It is two sides of the same coin, of the same feeling. Comfortable and unsafe should not go together. But they do. This seven course meal of diners and late nights and laughs and coffee and smiles and smiles is dangerous and wonderful. It is alive.
The clock ticks and I ignore it.
All I have is time.
Things I learned before 3 am today:
- When feeling ill, go to a diner. It won't make your sickness go away, but at least you're at a diner.
- Trust is multi-tiered, and multi-teared.
- I agree with Kat when she said:
"The song is wrong. Love is NOT all you need. You also need friendship, coffee, early morning conversations and laughter. Lots and lots of laughter."
- Sometimes memorizing a person just happens.
Last night, It wasn't filed. It was staring me in the face. Diners are amazing places. The people, the mood, the overall aura that exists in a diner is one that defies all clocks. I walked in not feeling well, I was physically "under the weather", and I was spiritually a little worn. I left feeling physically tired and still a little "under the weather." Spiritually though, I was alive, I was soaring.
We talked. All night. We talked about everything. We played the game of smiles. My face still hurts. She proves to me time and time again that I cannot win and still I try. She made me talk about my life. It was scary. I felt vulnerable, naked. I remember when it was, though, that I decided that I could trust her, at least that much.
I always thought that blue eyes were enchanting. Brown eyes, like mine, are beautiful at times, but seldom do they give clarity like the blue. But then I looked in those eyes. Her eyes. And the clarity, the depth, the movement i felt made me catch my breath. I trusted her then. The night was still young when it happened. The clock wasn't laughing at me yet.
It was a night for honesty. It was a night for paying attention, for watching. I watched so many things. Movements, people, eyes, expressions. Sometimes I even watched myself, feeling a strange sense of third person. I didn't watch the clock. I didn't care. I admitted I didn't want to leave, even when we did. Too much real life and cold out that doorway. But the clock is my friend and the clock is my enemy.
So much and so little space. No specifics. No need. She is. I am. This is so many things. Complicated and simple and easy and hard. It's contradiction and confirmation and deep and shallow and humorous and dire. It is two sides of the same coin, of the same feeling. Comfortable and unsafe should not go together. But they do. This seven course meal of diners and late nights and laughs and coffee and smiles and smiles is dangerous and wonderful. It is alive.
The clock ticks and I ignore it.
All I have is time.
Things I learned before 3 am today:
- When feeling ill, go to a diner. It won't make your sickness go away, but at least you're at a diner.
- Trust is multi-tiered, and multi-teared.
- I agree with Kat when she said:
"The song is wrong. Love is NOT all you need. You also need friendship, coffee, early morning conversations and laughter. Lots and lots of laughter."
- Sometimes memorizing a person just happens.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
If I
If I tried to write down today, it wouldn't be good enough.
If I tried to write down my emotions I wouldn't have room
If I tried to explain how I felt today, I'd betray myself
If I gave in to temptation, I'd be human
If I walked away from the entire situation, I'd have regret
If I stay, I might anyway
If I thought that this post would get better, i'd continue...
If I tried to write down my emotions I wouldn't have room
If I tried to explain how I felt today, I'd betray myself
If I gave in to temptation, I'd be human
If I walked away from the entire situation, I'd have regret
If I stay, I might anyway
If I thought that this post would get better, i'd continue...
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Defining Icarus
How my days are filled now, I cannot understand. But i'm here, tired from the day. The day that feels like two days. I am weary and alive. It's like someone sat down and defined my day like a television show episode, complete with commercial breaks.
Like previous mornings, I awoke and went about the daily routine. I spoke with people, I planned my evening (I was teaching tonight) and, in general, did mundane things. I was waiting for Libra to call. I needed to get the Jeep back. Finally, she called and we went. We picked up the Jeep and some Taco Bell and returned to her apartment.
She died her hair. Red. A good red. A vibrant red that matches the person who wears it. Red hair against those blue eyes, it's like a constant epic battle of the colors. The cool and the warm, the icy and the hot vying for supremacy. Her own insane dichotomy.
Then I went home. (commercial break). I spent some time finishing my preparations and did a little writing. I was going to post, but something made me wait to see how the rest of the day went.
To the school I went, though not the place I was teaching tonight. Another campus, further away had need of me this evening. But first, a detour and hoping to catch a glimpse of Kat. She wasn't there. I gathered the necessities for my class and headed out once again.
It's a long drive to that other place. I called LJ on my way down. She was there. We talked for almost the entire trip. I wish I had more words to share with her. I wish I could tell her that everything would be ok, and wisk her away to somewhere that would make everything work and be better and not feel so faded and drab. I want to redefine her life for her but I can't, instead I offer my shoulder.
Then class. Where someone stated "Dude, where'd you get all that energy? You're like really excited about this stuff." And I smiled and nodded and said "Well yeah, I'm supposed to be right?". It was a good time. I hope that at least some of those present enjoyed themselves as much as I did. I'm my own best entertainer. But i'm also the teacher, so I always worry, and try to make sure they learn.
Then the drive home. Somehow Libra and I can talk for hours. I still can't define the part of our relationship, but my cell phone can attest to our conversation length. It's marathon to say the least. Even after an entire car ride, I talked to her just before this for quite a while. We always find so many things to talk about. Or, if there is nothing, then we talk about that.
So now, I sit here, trying to make sense of the day. I keep coming back to the same things. I keep thinking of ways to help LJ, knowing I can't. I keep wishing for the clarity that Miashell needs now. I keep wanting to find a way, a serum or drug or potion that will release Libra from some of her past and let her soar with these new found wings. These wings she's so afraid of.
We are Icarus. All of us, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't fly.
Things I learned today:
- Friendship is like a dandelion, it just seems to spring up, no rhyme, no reason, just POOF, friend.
- One should always cut hair with the proper scissors. As in, sharp ones.
- Storytellers make the world go 'round and one in particular is spinning me in circles recently. Investigative reporter or tall-tale-teller, she makes me smile.
Like previous mornings, I awoke and went about the daily routine. I spoke with people, I planned my evening (I was teaching tonight) and, in general, did mundane things. I was waiting for Libra to call. I needed to get the Jeep back. Finally, she called and we went. We picked up the Jeep and some Taco Bell and returned to her apartment.
She died her hair. Red. A good red. A vibrant red that matches the person who wears it. Red hair against those blue eyes, it's like a constant epic battle of the colors. The cool and the warm, the icy and the hot vying for supremacy. Her own insane dichotomy.
Then I went home. (commercial break). I spent some time finishing my preparations and did a little writing. I was going to post, but something made me wait to see how the rest of the day went.
To the school I went, though not the place I was teaching tonight. Another campus, further away had need of me this evening. But first, a detour and hoping to catch a glimpse of Kat. She wasn't there. I gathered the necessities for my class and headed out once again.
It's a long drive to that other place. I called LJ on my way down. She was there. We talked for almost the entire trip. I wish I had more words to share with her. I wish I could tell her that everything would be ok, and wisk her away to somewhere that would make everything work and be better and not feel so faded and drab. I want to redefine her life for her but I can't, instead I offer my shoulder.
Then class. Where someone stated "Dude, where'd you get all that energy? You're like really excited about this stuff." And I smiled and nodded and said "Well yeah, I'm supposed to be right?". It was a good time. I hope that at least some of those present enjoyed themselves as much as I did. I'm my own best entertainer. But i'm also the teacher, so I always worry, and try to make sure they learn.
Then the drive home. Somehow Libra and I can talk for hours. I still can't define the part of our relationship, but my cell phone can attest to our conversation length. It's marathon to say the least. Even after an entire car ride, I talked to her just before this for quite a while. We always find so many things to talk about. Or, if there is nothing, then we talk about that.
So now, I sit here, trying to make sense of the day. I keep coming back to the same things. I keep thinking of ways to help LJ, knowing I can't. I keep wishing for the clarity that Miashell needs now. I keep wanting to find a way, a serum or drug or potion that will release Libra from some of her past and let her soar with these new found wings. These wings she's so afraid of.
We are Icarus. All of us, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't fly.
Things I learned today:
- Friendship is like a dandelion, it just seems to spring up, no rhyme, no reason, just POOF, friend.
- One should always cut hair with the proper scissors. As in, sharp ones.
- Storytellers make the world go 'round and one in particular is spinning me in circles recently. Investigative reporter or tall-tale-teller, she makes me smile.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Aura
I awoke to thoughts of friends. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling and smiled. It is seldom that I do that. So i pulled myself out of bed and proceeded to this place, this cyber-place where i spend so much of my time.
Here i found words. Someone else's words that worried me. So i called. We talked, we laughed, we shared moments that only we can share. The day had just begun and, already, my aura was bright with anticipation of the day.
I made my way to Libra's house and we visited her family. First, her grandmother. The house she lives in was afire with a sense of the supernatural. There was something beautiful, eerie, present in that place. I know Libra felt it. It didn't make my skin crawl, or shivers run up my spine. It made me smile. It was a memory, maybe. It was something that has no semblance of past or present or future. It exists outside time. Maybe it is a reminder for us. Maybe it is the remainder of an aura so strong, it never completely fades. There was history in those curved, old walls and those hard wood floors. There was love in every corner, every picture spoke volumes, every breath of air was a reminder of things past, of a love that does not slip away with time.
Somehow the day continued, my senses already on overload. We made our way to her mother's. Libra's sister greeted us and I smiled. I smiled because of her smile. Because I know the origin of it now and it still makes me unguarded, vulnerable. Libra and her sister and her mother and her grandmother. Their smiles are the same. They smile, not just with their mouths, but with their eyes. They dance a little, lighting up with the curve of their lips. Until today, I could only hypothesize.
After farewells we headed to Sarah's. The mundane was calling me. I had to go. Upon our arrival, though, my car was gone. It had been towed because of the snow removal. It was, at first, a frustration. But, hindsight being what it is, i understand it's necessity.
Libra brought me to work, and waited for me there until i was finished. A fellow teacher had brought her daughter and Libra made instant friends. Miss Scorpio's daughter is amazing. Her aura is intense and pure and beautiful. So much like her mother.
On the way home we went "shopping". It was more for her benefit than mine, and she certainly did have an experience. Those details are too graphic, even for me. Let's leave it as poetic as possible.
Pleasure comes in many forms.
Now i sit here, and my aura is blue. The blue of ice. The blue of nighttime. I can hear sleep. My reserve tank is gone and my mind is full to brimming with the emotions and thoughts and occurrences of today. And in the darkness of this room, my aura shines.
Things I learned today:
- Seeing the good in the bad is an excellent, zen idea. It's hard, but it's a nice idea.
- Pink is the new mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Here i found words. Someone else's words that worried me. So i called. We talked, we laughed, we shared moments that only we can share. The day had just begun and, already, my aura was bright with anticipation of the day.
I made my way to Libra's house and we visited her family. First, her grandmother. The house she lives in was afire with a sense of the supernatural. There was something beautiful, eerie, present in that place. I know Libra felt it. It didn't make my skin crawl, or shivers run up my spine. It made me smile. It was a memory, maybe. It was something that has no semblance of past or present or future. It exists outside time. Maybe it is a reminder for us. Maybe it is the remainder of an aura so strong, it never completely fades. There was history in those curved, old walls and those hard wood floors. There was love in every corner, every picture spoke volumes, every breath of air was a reminder of things past, of a love that does not slip away with time.
Somehow the day continued, my senses already on overload. We made our way to her mother's. Libra's sister greeted us and I smiled. I smiled because of her smile. Because I know the origin of it now and it still makes me unguarded, vulnerable. Libra and her sister and her mother and her grandmother. Their smiles are the same. They smile, not just with their mouths, but with their eyes. They dance a little, lighting up with the curve of their lips. Until today, I could only hypothesize.
After farewells we headed to Sarah's. The mundane was calling me. I had to go. Upon our arrival, though, my car was gone. It had been towed because of the snow removal. It was, at first, a frustration. But, hindsight being what it is, i understand it's necessity.
Libra brought me to work, and waited for me there until i was finished. A fellow teacher had brought her daughter and Libra made instant friends. Miss Scorpio's daughter is amazing. Her aura is intense and pure and beautiful. So much like her mother.
On the way home we went "shopping". It was more for her benefit than mine, and she certainly did have an experience. Those details are too graphic, even for me. Let's leave it as poetic as possible.
Pleasure comes in many forms.
Now i sit here, and my aura is blue. The blue of ice. The blue of nighttime. I can hear sleep. My reserve tank is gone and my mind is full to brimming with the emotions and thoughts and occurrences of today. And in the darkness of this room, my aura shines.
Things I learned today:
- Seeing the good in the bad is an excellent, zen idea. It's hard, but it's a nice idea.
- Pink is the new mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Monday, January 24, 2005
A game of smiles
I could spend paragraphs speaking of the weather. Hours talking about how incredibly cold it is outside. But then, you only need to step outside to know the weather and you would tire of me telling it.
Instead, I'll talk of other things. The day was filled with weather and friends. Lately, have my days been filled with friends. How lucky I am to have people around me like those I call my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me.
Tonight I played the game of smiles. Tonight I danced on the edge of the "getting to know you and not scare you away" blade, eyes closed in constant fear of slipping, bleeding. Instead, not a scratch and more understanding than I could have hoped for. Tonight I talked and listened and laughed. I laughed. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because it felt right.
What is it about our pasts that makes it the first thing we talk about with someone new to our lives? Is it because we hope to catch a glimpse of the "why" behind the person we've met? Is it because we know, somewhere inside, that everyone is defined by their past? I sat there tonight, my past laid out on the table with coffee and a corn muffin. I sifted through it and shared what I could in the time I had. Her past was there too, a small plate of past to go with her ice cream. We ate our food and shared our stories. It was dangerous, honest. What if it was too much? What if it was too honest? What if it showed who I was, who I am? I shared, because, sometimes, risking it is worth the paranoia. Every moment i hoped that someday we'd have a story about this night, and the muffin and the ice cream and the song.
Our stories. Those stories about our lives that make us laugh or contemplate. Those stories that we work on, practicing by telling, perfecting the timing and the hook. The sharing is such a dynamic. I lose myself in your words. I want to know. It makes me feel alive to hear about life. Even the most mundane story fills me with excitement. Even the most ridiculous, side-splittingly funny tale of times past makes me contemplate and think of my own life.
This game of smiles. This game i cannot win. So few people can make me feel this way. Those that can will understand. You make me alive. I thrive on people, on thoughts and stories. You are the storytellers, the dramateurs, the seers of the mundane. You make me simple and basic. You take away my complication. You make me smile.
Things I learned today:
- Show and tell is the greatest children's activity ever invented.
- Expectations are adjustable.
- Sometimes you just need a "milkshake". Right Kat?
Instead, I'll talk of other things. The day was filled with weather and friends. Lately, have my days been filled with friends. How lucky I am to have people around me like those I call my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me.
Tonight I played the game of smiles. Tonight I danced on the edge of the "getting to know you and not scare you away" blade, eyes closed in constant fear of slipping, bleeding. Instead, not a scratch and more understanding than I could have hoped for. Tonight I talked and listened and laughed. I laughed. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because it felt right.
What is it about our pasts that makes it the first thing we talk about with someone new to our lives? Is it because we hope to catch a glimpse of the "why" behind the person we've met? Is it because we know, somewhere inside, that everyone is defined by their past? I sat there tonight, my past laid out on the table with coffee and a corn muffin. I sifted through it and shared what I could in the time I had. Her past was there too, a small plate of past to go with her ice cream. We ate our food and shared our stories. It was dangerous, honest. What if it was too much? What if it was too honest? What if it showed who I was, who I am? I shared, because, sometimes, risking it is worth the paranoia. Every moment i hoped that someday we'd have a story about this night, and the muffin and the ice cream and the song.
Our stories. Those stories about our lives that make us laugh or contemplate. Those stories that we work on, practicing by telling, perfecting the timing and the hook. The sharing is such a dynamic. I lose myself in your words. I want to know. It makes me feel alive to hear about life. Even the most mundane story fills me with excitement. Even the most ridiculous, side-splittingly funny tale of times past makes me contemplate and think of my own life.
This game of smiles. This game i cannot win. So few people can make me feel this way. Those that can will understand. You make me alive. I thrive on people, on thoughts and stories. You are the storytellers, the dramateurs, the seers of the mundane. You make me simple and basic. You take away my complication. You make me smile.
Things I learned today:
- Show and tell is the greatest children's activity ever invented.
- Expectations are adjustable.
- Sometimes you just need a "milkshake". Right Kat?
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Chill
It's at least 10 degrees colder in my basement than it is in the rest of the house. That could have something to do with no heating ducts opening into the basement area where my "living area" is. I may have to remedy that with a hammer and some scissors.
A lazy day. Yes, somehow i got some things accomplished. I finished my resume today. I also began and got most of my demo reel put together. I think it's pretty decent. I'm just hoping it's good enough to get me a job.
I got an email from Kat today. She's the one i went out with the other night for wings? Remember? It was very sweet and i wanted to thank her in a more "public" manor than just a reply email. It's nice sometimes, when there is such a chill in the air, to feel so warmed by conversation and coffee.
This evening, while the chill attempted to take away all feeling in my bones, I drove to Kaza's house to hang out. We watched the "Lost Boys". We ate chinese food. We hung out with mary jane for a while. We laughed and talked and took pictures with our camera phones. It was relaxing and simple and stress free. Somewhere during the evening i remembered that that's what life is like most of the time. It's been so long since things were just "normal", even if only for an evening. So it was good fun.
My hands are cold. My feet are cold. There is a chill in the air that feels very much like the manifest of my recent inner turmoil. Those things that make me shiver when i'm warm. This weather reminds me of those. I'm always praying for the warmth. My car runs better when it's warm. So does my life. Instead, I exhale and see my breath.
Things I learned today:
- Breaking the rules has it's advantages.
- My argument for summer is that it never hurts if it's too hot, it's just uncomfortable. But my hands, in this cold, hurt. That's not cool
- Chinese food is good. Gin is good. C-14 is good. Tonight, right now, it's all good.
- She smiled. I smiled. Easy.
A lazy day. Yes, somehow i got some things accomplished. I finished my resume today. I also began and got most of my demo reel put together. I think it's pretty decent. I'm just hoping it's good enough to get me a job.
I got an email from Kat today. She's the one i went out with the other night for wings? Remember? It was very sweet and i wanted to thank her in a more "public" manor than just a reply email. It's nice sometimes, when there is such a chill in the air, to feel so warmed by conversation and coffee.
This evening, while the chill attempted to take away all feeling in my bones, I drove to Kaza's house to hang out. We watched the "Lost Boys". We ate chinese food. We hung out with mary jane for a while. We laughed and talked and took pictures with our camera phones. It was relaxing and simple and stress free. Somewhere during the evening i remembered that that's what life is like most of the time. It's been so long since things were just "normal", even if only for an evening. So it was good fun.
My hands are cold. My feet are cold. There is a chill in the air that feels very much like the manifest of my recent inner turmoil. Those things that make me shiver when i'm warm. This weather reminds me of those. I'm always praying for the warmth. My car runs better when it's warm. So does my life. Instead, I exhale and see my breath.
Things I learned today:
- Breaking the rules has it's advantages.
- My argument for summer is that it never hurts if it's too hot, it's just uncomfortable. But my hands, in this cold, hurt. That's not cool
- Chinese food is good. Gin is good. C-14 is good. Tonight, right now, it's all good.
- She smiled. I smiled. Easy.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Messy Duality
This week has been full of surprises. First, my car and the drama of having to depend on so many people for my rides to get all of this mess sorted out. Then spending a wonderful day with Miashell, only to find that my car was still not sorted. Finally, settling the car, I go to class, teach, and more surprises. I'm wide awake and dead tired.
I'm content and restless. I had a long long conversation with someone tonight and it was amazing. I've never been so glad to be sitting in a noisy bar with wings in front of me. The wings were delicious, the drink was decent and the company was perfect. We talked of all things, from relationships to family. From destiny to funerals. We covered a lot of ground. We laughed. It felt good to laugh so honestly.
I am unfocused and crystal clear. I had so many things i could have said, so many topics not covered. I hope I have the opportunity to talk to her again. Closing a bar and spending the next few hours at a diner made me feel like i was 21 again. I lost track of time. She's a fantastic distraction. Though she won't admit it, she's dangerous. She's mischevious and dangerous and fun and strong and confident. Late night conversation, late night inspiration.
I can hear sleep in the distance. I feel alive. I feel.
Things I learned today:
- I thought I'd had sex in strange places, but I was wrong.
- At 4:18AM it's hard to remember what you learned on the previous day.
I'm content and restless. I had a long long conversation with someone tonight and it was amazing. I've never been so glad to be sitting in a noisy bar with wings in front of me. The wings were delicious, the drink was decent and the company was perfect. We talked of all things, from relationships to family. From destiny to funerals. We covered a lot of ground. We laughed. It felt good to laugh so honestly.
I am unfocused and crystal clear. I had so many things i could have said, so many topics not covered. I hope I have the opportunity to talk to her again. Closing a bar and spending the next few hours at a diner made me feel like i was 21 again. I lost track of time. She's a fantastic distraction. Though she won't admit it, she's dangerous. She's mischevious and dangerous and fun and strong and confident. Late night conversation, late night inspiration.
I can hear sleep in the distance. I feel alive. I feel.
Things I learned today:
- I thought I'd had sex in strange places, but I was wrong.
- At 4:18AM it's hard to remember what you learned on the previous day.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
What are the chances
After that entire post about that poem, i went searching with my favorite file-sharing software (Limewire). I found one instance of anything from Beauty and the Beast, the TV show. It was a track with a title so long I couldn't tell what it was. So, naturally I downloaded it. Tell me you don't believe in things happening for a reason, in destiny governing some small part of our lives, and I'll tell you that the one track from that entire CD that I found, with only one person hosting it, was "Somewhere I have never travelled." I'm not making this up. It is set to music, paced out with the song "The First time I loved forever" from the show. It's amazing. It's perfect.
Small Hands
I was reminded today of a poem. One that I have not heard for a long time. If anyone remembers the Beauty and the Beast television show then this might make some sense.
There was a "soundtrack" that went along with that show. I do not have a copy and have tried, desperately, to find one. They are on ebay occasionally and they are always expensive (CD copies going for 40+ dollars) because they are so rare. The CD is called "Of Love and Hope". The interesting part of it is that Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Alien 4, Blade 2 etc...) played the Beast. He also recited the things on this CD. They were sonnets and poems and excerpts from various poets through the ages...from Shakespeare to Rilke. This is one that i love, and i was reminded of it today.
Somewhere I have never travelled
--------------------------------------
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
---E.E. Cummings
There was a "soundtrack" that went along with that show. I do not have a copy and have tried, desperately, to find one. They are on ebay occasionally and they are always expensive (CD copies going for 40+ dollars) because they are so rare. The CD is called "Of Love and Hope". The interesting part of it is that Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Alien 4, Blade 2 etc...) played the Beast. He also recited the things on this CD. They were sonnets and poems and excerpts from various poets through the ages...from Shakespeare to Rilke. This is one that i love, and i was reminded of it today.
Somewhere I have never travelled
--------------------------------------
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
---E.E. Cummings
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Sometimes
I want to say (though she may not read it) that I wish i could be more help to BabyLibra's sister. Such a beautiful girl deserves to be happy. She deserves flowers and compliments and her own pedestal to sit on. It's not easy. It never was and never will be.
People will say they "understand" and they've "been there" but it's still your pain. It's still your heart. Take consolation in the fact that, if your smile is any indication, your heart is strong and will make it through this. And there will always be some guy your sister knows that is up for a chat or coffee or just around to listen.
Sometimes we don't need advice. Sometimes we need to know someone is listening, even if we're being irrational. Sometimes we don't need to be corrected, just understood. We need a hug and a look that says "it's ok to feel this." Because it is. Time doesn't heal all. But someday you can call it your past.
I'll only truly worry about you making it through when you stop feeling. Until then, there is always a shoulder to cry on and always a well-deserved compliment waiting.
People will say they "understand" and they've "been there" but it's still your pain. It's still your heart. Take consolation in the fact that, if your smile is any indication, your heart is strong and will make it through this. And there will always be some guy your sister knows that is up for a chat or coffee or just around to listen.
Sometimes we don't need advice. Sometimes we need to know someone is listening, even if we're being irrational. Sometimes we don't need to be corrected, just understood. We need a hug and a look that says "it's ok to feel this." Because it is. Time doesn't heal all. But someday you can call it your past.
I'll only truly worry about you making it through when you stop feeling. Until then, there is always a shoulder to cry on and always a well-deserved compliment waiting.
One more confession
So many things going on at the same time. I'm not even prepared for most of them. I want to be everywhere at once. I want to experience it all. I can't. I choose those things that seem most important and hope i'm right.
From all sides come confessions and decisions and reality checks. Smiling faces and tear-filled eyes. Wine bottles on counters, betraying thoughts and feelings. I wish I could do this all the right way. I wish there was a manual of the "right way" to begin with. I need to know that the future will be good. Not for me. For others. For her. I miss her and I'm not even gone. I try and remember that it's "all for the best", when all I want to do, tonight, is run to her, climb into bed next to her and hold her close to me. It breaks my heart more to break hers.
Things I learned today:
- Time doesn't equal pain. "Goodbyes are easy, it's the hellos that leave the scars."
- She can still smile. She'll make it through.
From all sides come confessions and decisions and reality checks. Smiling faces and tear-filled eyes. Wine bottles on counters, betraying thoughts and feelings. I wish I could do this all the right way. I wish there was a manual of the "right way" to begin with. I need to know that the future will be good. Not for me. For others. For her. I miss her and I'm not even gone. I try and remember that it's "all for the best", when all I want to do, tonight, is run to her, climb into bed next to her and hold her close to me. It breaks my heart more to break hers.
Things I learned today:
- Time doesn't equal pain. "Goodbyes are easy, it's the hellos that leave the scars."
- She can still smile. She'll make it through.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Monetary
As in money. As in how much I have. As in none.
My life is not horrible. My life is not the worst life. My life is complicated, annoying and lacking all optimism. My future got blown up in my face last year. I've been attempting to recover from that incident for months. In the process I've stumbled across new and frustrating things that promptly blew up in my face.
So i'm broke. So is most of America right? Does that make it easier to deal with? Does it make it ok that I may have to give up this job i have now, that I love so much, because of the one thing in my life i need and the one thing i despise the most...money?
I'm ok with life not being fair. I'm ok with life not giving me any leeway. I've been so lucky with so many things in my life. The one thing i've always struggled with is money. I've worked, hard. I've tried to manage my money (no i'm not the best, but i have very little debt due to spending.) and still I find myself here. Broke. Tired. I've been lucky in love, i've been lucky with my health and my family and my friends and so many things. Just once, i want to be lucky with my money. I'm not asking for the lotto. I'm asking for a chance. I'm not even asking. I'm complaining.
It doesn't matter. Regardless of my poor outlook on this and other parts of my life, i'm still functional. I'm still doing what I need to do. I'm still searching for the job, still keeping in mind the things I HAVE to do.
But don't ask me to be happy. Not about this. Not yet. One thing at a time.
Things I learned today:
- I need a thing for my registration and insurance info. Cuz when i get pulled over, it sucks to go "uuhh...hold on a sec..."
- Money...schmoney.
My life is not horrible. My life is not the worst life. My life is complicated, annoying and lacking all optimism. My future got blown up in my face last year. I've been attempting to recover from that incident for months. In the process I've stumbled across new and frustrating things that promptly blew up in my face.
So i'm broke. So is most of America right? Does that make it easier to deal with? Does it make it ok that I may have to give up this job i have now, that I love so much, because of the one thing in my life i need and the one thing i despise the most...money?
I'm ok with life not being fair. I'm ok with life not giving me any leeway. I've been so lucky with so many things in my life. The one thing i've always struggled with is money. I've worked, hard. I've tried to manage my money (no i'm not the best, but i have very little debt due to spending.) and still I find myself here. Broke. Tired. I've been lucky in love, i've been lucky with my health and my family and my friends and so many things. Just once, i want to be lucky with my money. I'm not asking for the lotto. I'm asking for a chance. I'm not even asking. I'm complaining.
It doesn't matter. Regardless of my poor outlook on this and other parts of my life, i'm still functional. I'm still doing what I need to do. I'm still searching for the job, still keeping in mind the things I HAVE to do.
But don't ask me to be happy. Not about this. Not yet. One thing at a time.
Things I learned today:
- I need a thing for my registration and insurance info. Cuz when i get pulled over, it sucks to go "uuhh...hold on a sec..."
- Money...schmoney.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
We are
We are human. We are lovers. We are fighters. We are future. We are past. We are today. We are tomorrow. We are.
I am human. I am a lover and a fighter and I can see the future sometimes. I am who I am because of my past. Today, I am happy. Tomorrow, you'll still be there. You'll still be in my mind. You'll still be in my heart. You'll still be distracting me. I am.
Because today was enlightening and perfect. Because today felt right, not wrong. Because the anticipation for tomorrow, for the next time, is an impossible burden that I'll gladly carry.
My jeep danced home. My thoughts weren't on the road or the fog or the tractor trailer rolling along slowly in front of me. I was distracted. I wanted to turn around. I wanted.
We are as we always were. We are as we always will be.
We are.
I am human. I am a lover and a fighter and I can see the future sometimes. I am who I am because of my past. Today, I am happy. Tomorrow, you'll still be there. You'll still be in my mind. You'll still be in my heart. You'll still be distracting me. I am.
Because today was enlightening and perfect. Because today felt right, not wrong. Because the anticipation for tomorrow, for the next time, is an impossible burden that I'll gladly carry.
My jeep danced home. My thoughts weren't on the road or the fog or the tractor trailer rolling along slowly in front of me. I was distracted. I wanted to turn around. I wanted.
We are as we always were. We are as we always will be.
We are.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Reminisce
Talk about a random day. After the car moving fiasco I went down to the hole (place where computers and guitars live) and checked the email and other random computery things I do. An old friend was online. I IM'd her and we chatted for a bit and decided to meet for lunch. Actually, let me explain a little about this history.
This person and I, once upon a time, were an item. We were, actually, quite an item. We had a good high school relationship and it didn't carry over into college so well. Distance will do that, i guess. We did remain friends. I have always and still do consider her one of my closest and dearest friends. We'll know each other forever.
So we met at the mall and ate some Friendly's fried nastiness. It was very reminiscent of the "old" days. We chatted and shared and ate. It was wonderful. We walked around the mall after that, just perusing the stores, talking, remembering how comfortable it was between us. I missed her. We had a great time.
Things I learned today:
- Somehow, time progressed and her eyes got bluer. Or maybe i haven't seen them for so long they felt that much more vibrant when i looked into them.
- Blogging is the "cool" thing now. I hope it doesn't sell out.
This person and I, once upon a time, were an item. We were, actually, quite an item. We had a good high school relationship and it didn't carry over into college so well. Distance will do that, i guess. We did remain friends. I have always and still do consider her one of my closest and dearest friends. We'll know each other forever.
So we met at the mall and ate some Friendly's fried nastiness. It was very reminiscent of the "old" days. We chatted and shared and ate. It was wonderful. We walked around the mall after that, just perusing the stores, talking, remembering how comfortable it was between us. I missed her. We had a great time.
Things I learned today:
- Somehow, time progressed and her eyes got bluer. Or maybe i haven't seen them for so long they felt that much more vibrant when i looked into them.
- Blogging is the "cool" thing now. I hope it doesn't sell out.
No Coincidence
I awoke to the sound of beeping from outside my window. Not the beeping of a friend saying "get your ass up". It was the plow guys. I went out and cleaned off the car and moved it down to the visitor parking (i live in a condo complex, did you figure that one out?). A rather rude awakening. None so rude as the awakening that I had last night though.
Yesterday was Destiny slapping me in the face. It's small subtle things that you may even say "what the hell?" to. But I took them as more than that and I think that's what matters. Someone was trying to tell me something.
It started with a student of mine telling me that her father is the principle of my old high school. He was there when I was. Her brother was a freshman there when i was a senior. It's frightening the coincidence. She shocked me. Whack number 1.
Then I found out information about a dear friend of mine. She's had some fairly life changing experiences recently. She was dealing with them at her own pace, much to the chagrin of some of the (ok, one of the) other people involved. I learned that she had done what she was most fearing. She had faced the situation, not just with herself, but with the people she was closest to. They took it in stride as far as she can tell and she is happier, i think. I am so extremely overloaded with pride for her and the way she dealt with everything. She is amazing and I know that this situation is good. It may not be perfect, but in her eyes i see a plethora of positive.
Then i got a phone call. It was a (excuse the cliche) "blast from the past" to say the very least. The message on my voice mail was so nonchalant. I was in complete and total shock. I stood there looking at my cellphone like "nah, i'm dreaming." But i'm not, I checked the message to make sure it was there this morning. It was. The person who called is so much an important part of my past. She shot to the forefront of my mind. That entire portion of my life flew by in a second. It was overwhelming. I need to call her back. I know you'll get another post about that.
So I went into the end of my evening feeling beaten and battered be some unknown force that was desperately trying to knock some sense into me. "There is Destiny, there is hope, remember what you believed, remember the past, remember the things that are truly important to you." I did. I do. Please don't hit me anymore with those damned coincidences that can't possibly be coincidences.
So this is today. Today is the culmination of more than a few days of emotional rollercoaster, real life being cruel, heartache and facing facts. I'm a little tattered. My approach, though, is changing. Let's get this done the right way. It's not going to be easier than it was a few days ago. I'm not going to like it more. But i remember now who I am. I remember what it was that has gotten me through this life and it's mountains of difficulty. I've got the bruises on my heart to prove it. Someone was trying to tell me something yesterday, I'm here saying "I GOT IT!". Now I just hope she believes me.
Things I learned today (yesterday):
- Don't deny it.
- Truth is often refreshing. Hard. But often refreshing.
- Sometimes, maybe, our past does help to shape our future.
- Optimisim is hard, Pessimism is hard and Realism is makes the other two look like Candyland.
Yesterday was Destiny slapping me in the face. It's small subtle things that you may even say "what the hell?" to. But I took them as more than that and I think that's what matters. Someone was trying to tell me something.
It started with a student of mine telling me that her father is the principle of my old high school. He was there when I was. Her brother was a freshman there when i was a senior. It's frightening the coincidence. She shocked me. Whack number 1.
Then I found out information about a dear friend of mine. She's had some fairly life changing experiences recently. She was dealing with them at her own pace, much to the chagrin of some of the (ok, one of the) other people involved. I learned that she had done what she was most fearing. She had faced the situation, not just with herself, but with the people she was closest to. They took it in stride as far as she can tell and she is happier, i think. I am so extremely overloaded with pride for her and the way she dealt with everything. She is amazing and I know that this situation is good. It may not be perfect, but in her eyes i see a plethora of positive.
Then i got a phone call. It was a (excuse the cliche) "blast from the past" to say the very least. The message on my voice mail was so nonchalant. I was in complete and total shock. I stood there looking at my cellphone like "nah, i'm dreaming." But i'm not, I checked the message to make sure it was there this morning. It was. The person who called is so much an important part of my past. She shot to the forefront of my mind. That entire portion of my life flew by in a second. It was overwhelming. I need to call her back. I know you'll get another post about that.
So I went into the end of my evening feeling beaten and battered be some unknown force that was desperately trying to knock some sense into me. "There is Destiny, there is hope, remember what you believed, remember the past, remember the things that are truly important to you." I did. I do. Please don't hit me anymore with those damned coincidences that can't possibly be coincidences.
So this is today. Today is the culmination of more than a few days of emotional rollercoaster, real life being cruel, heartache and facing facts. I'm a little tattered. My approach, though, is changing. Let's get this done the right way. It's not going to be easier than it was a few days ago. I'm not going to like it more. But i remember now who I am. I remember what it was that has gotten me through this life and it's mountains of difficulty. I've got the bruises on my heart to prove it. Someone was trying to tell me something yesterday, I'm here saying "I GOT IT!". Now I just hope she believes me.
Things I learned today (yesterday):
- Don't deny it.
- Truth is often refreshing. Hard. But often refreshing.
- Sometimes, maybe, our past does help to shape our future.
- Optimisim is hard, Pessimism is hard and Realism is makes the other two look like Candyland.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Level
It's nice to know that when I can see rock bottom i'm not going to instantly hit it. I have been not-quite-myself recently now that I've seen, once again, how ugly life is. I've been mad at Destiny for the first time. I'm trying. Libra says it's all we can do. I know she's right. So i'm trying to believe that all of this is good, in some fashion.
Let's talk lyrics today. I've been listening to a lot of lyrics lately. I've been searching out those albums and songs that best define my mood. I didn't want to enhance my mood, but I find some comfort in the words of others expressing my feelings for me. It means I'm not completely alone.
I miss Toad the Wet Sprocket. Glenn Phillips was an amazing songwriter and an excellent singer. Their music always told stories that I understood and often could relate to. The other day I had a random thought that I should grab my Toad CDs. I own Fear and Coil. I have a lot more songs from some of the other albums (Dulcinea etc...) on my computer but for physical CDs it's only those 2. Lo and behold I actually only have Coil. Fear was stolen last year when my car got broken into. So i have 2 cases and only one CD. I immediatlely, this morning, hit the Half.com and ordered a copy of Fear. It was a whopping three dollars and some change.
Listening to Coil. I remember how much i like the guitar and bass in this song called "Dam would break". I listened to the lyrics and I smiled.
Is it this place that makes me fall from you
Forget the words that once rang so true
Did we expect that life was ever fair, my god...
I sowed a field of rose and reaped a whipping rod
And everything I've held too tight inside
Could make a part of me die
And if my lips could only speak the name
The dam would break
What is this ice that gathers round my heart
To stop the flood of warmth before it even starts
It would make me blind to what I thought would always be
The only constant in the world for me
And every hours of every day
I need to fight from pulling away
And if my mind could only loose the chain
The dam would break
For all the things I hid away
And all the words I could not say
The dam would break
Things I learned today (yesterday):
- When someone says something interesting that you want to write in your blog, write it down! Otherwise, when you come to write in your blog, you forget what they said.
- I have tried being mad at destiny, but I still can't believe in coincidence.
Let's talk lyrics today. I've been listening to a lot of lyrics lately. I've been searching out those albums and songs that best define my mood. I didn't want to enhance my mood, but I find some comfort in the words of others expressing my feelings for me. It means I'm not completely alone.
I miss Toad the Wet Sprocket. Glenn Phillips was an amazing songwriter and an excellent singer. Their music always told stories that I understood and often could relate to. The other day I had a random thought that I should grab my Toad CDs. I own Fear and Coil. I have a lot more songs from some of the other albums (Dulcinea etc...) on my computer but for physical CDs it's only those 2. Lo and behold I actually only have Coil. Fear was stolen last year when my car got broken into. So i have 2 cases and only one CD. I immediatlely, this morning, hit the Half.com and ordered a copy of Fear. It was a whopping three dollars and some change.
Listening to Coil. I remember how much i like the guitar and bass in this song called "Dam would break". I listened to the lyrics and I smiled.
Is it this place that makes me fall from you
Forget the words that once rang so true
Did we expect that life was ever fair, my god...
I sowed a field of rose and reaped a whipping rod
And everything I've held too tight inside
Could make a part of me die
And if my lips could only speak the name
The dam would break
What is this ice that gathers round my heart
To stop the flood of warmth before it even starts
It would make me blind to what I thought would always be
The only constant in the world for me
And every hours of every day
I need to fight from pulling away
And if my mind could only loose the chain
The dam would break
For all the things I hid away
And all the words I could not say
The dam would break
Things I learned today (yesterday):
- When someone says something interesting that you want to write in your blog, write it down! Otherwise, when you come to write in your blog, you forget what they said.
- I have tried being mad at destiny, but I still can't believe in coincidence.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Leave it to me
Actually, that might not be the best idea. I can't seem to get my own life in one piece, i'm pretty certain i could mess yours up. This might be a bit self-destructive tonight. I apologize in advance.
This is today. Today is the culmination of a few days of preparation and nerves. Today i played "out" for the first time since college. I also played "out" for the first time where i both played my guitar and sang, at the same time. GrenadeBoy and I spent the past few days practicing and developing our set list. We played everything from Bush to Bob Dylan. It was a lot of fun in the end (some stress before hand, as usual.) We get to do it next week too, and the week after that...etc...
I found myself being petty. I found myself doing things i said I wouldn't. I'm angry at myself. Hell, i'm fucking furious. I have no excuse. I have reasons, maybe, but no excuse. At some point apologies become hollow. At some point I can't be who i need to be. At some point I fall apart. This is me now. Broken.
Reminders of situations abound. It was therapeutic today, to play. To do some original songs that only i knew the true and complete meanings to. Sometimes, though, the music smacks me in the face. Sometimes they're painful.
Cuz i'm broken
When i'm open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough
Cuz i'm broken
When i'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When you're gone away.
Whack. Right to the temple. And so i got angry. Angry because of my reaction. Angry because it affected me. It affected me a thousand times more than it should have. It's me. Why I reacted, I don't know. So many things are in there. So many buried, bruised.
You've gone away
You don't feel me
Anymore
Every single word. And I hated myself for every moment. For every reaction and thought and remorseful emotion that coursed through me. They don't belong. It's not like i only got hit from one side. It seems like those words are coming from all directions in my life.
What I am is drained. Thoroughly. I'm done with all of these situations in my head. I hate them all. It's not about any of the other people involved in them. It's about me. My reactions to the world, to the situations and scenarios that I created my self. Someone asks "how are you?" I say "fine." I lie through my teeth. I lie and lie and lie about how things are. I should just deal with this shit. Jesus, i sound almost a candidate for some good drugs. I deal with my day to day life just fine. I'll start worrying that this will never end when I can't even function. At this moment I can't function, but I know i'll get up in the morning and function and do all the things I have to do. Work, responsibilities, etc...
This has turned into ramble too much fest. I'm even being angry at myself for writing this. For considering posting it for all the world (or at least the few people that do read) to witness. It's a symbol of my weakness, it looks like a cry for help.
It's not. It's a release I need. It's somewhere that's private, but not. It's a place to bear my soul and offer it up to the world for inspection. Let them catch the flaws now. It'll be better for all of us later.
On the bright side. I didn't have to work yesterday or today so i took the time to sink into a morbid hole. I can't believe i'm like this right now after the few days i've had. They've been really wonderful in so many ways. There were some hard things, life things. But the overall hindsight of the weekend, when not including my current state, is one of good times. But when it hit, it hit. I found all the pent up stuff. It came pouring out like a gutted fish. Now i'm laying here flapping, trying to breathe with no source of air.
I'll be alright. I'm always alright. The people that see me otherwise have two things. They have my love, otherwise they'd never see me like that. And they have my forgiveness for subjecting them to the drama and annoyance that is me with no masks on.
I know i've said too much. I'm posting it anyway.
Things i"ve learned today:
- I learned what it feels like to come back to life, only to die again.
- Iv'e learned that I'm a good storyteller because i'm very good at living in a fantasy world. Because I despise reality.
This is today. Today is the culmination of a few days of preparation and nerves. Today i played "out" for the first time since college. I also played "out" for the first time where i both played my guitar and sang, at the same time. GrenadeBoy and I spent the past few days practicing and developing our set list. We played everything from Bush to Bob Dylan. It was a lot of fun in the end (some stress before hand, as usual.) We get to do it next week too, and the week after that...etc...
I found myself being petty. I found myself doing things i said I wouldn't. I'm angry at myself. Hell, i'm fucking furious. I have no excuse. I have reasons, maybe, but no excuse. At some point apologies become hollow. At some point I can't be who i need to be. At some point I fall apart. This is me now. Broken.
Reminders of situations abound. It was therapeutic today, to play. To do some original songs that only i knew the true and complete meanings to. Sometimes, though, the music smacks me in the face. Sometimes they're painful.
Cuz i'm broken
When i'm open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough
Cuz i'm broken
When i'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When you're gone away.
Whack. Right to the temple. And so i got angry. Angry because of my reaction. Angry because it affected me. It affected me a thousand times more than it should have. It's me. Why I reacted, I don't know. So many things are in there. So many buried, bruised.
You've gone away
You don't feel me
Anymore
Every single word. And I hated myself for every moment. For every reaction and thought and remorseful emotion that coursed through me. They don't belong. It's not like i only got hit from one side. It seems like those words are coming from all directions in my life.
What I am is drained. Thoroughly. I'm done with all of these situations in my head. I hate them all. It's not about any of the other people involved in them. It's about me. My reactions to the world, to the situations and scenarios that I created my self. Someone asks "how are you?" I say "fine." I lie through my teeth. I lie and lie and lie about how things are. I should just deal with this shit. Jesus, i sound almost a candidate for some good drugs. I deal with my day to day life just fine. I'll start worrying that this will never end when I can't even function. At this moment I can't function, but I know i'll get up in the morning and function and do all the things I have to do. Work, responsibilities, etc...
This has turned into ramble too much fest. I'm even being angry at myself for writing this. For considering posting it for all the world (or at least the few people that do read) to witness. It's a symbol of my weakness, it looks like a cry for help.
It's not. It's a release I need. It's somewhere that's private, but not. It's a place to bear my soul and offer it up to the world for inspection. Let them catch the flaws now. It'll be better for all of us later.
On the bright side. I didn't have to work yesterday or today so i took the time to sink into a morbid hole. I can't believe i'm like this right now after the few days i've had. They've been really wonderful in so many ways. There were some hard things, life things. But the overall hindsight of the weekend, when not including my current state, is one of good times. But when it hit, it hit. I found all the pent up stuff. It came pouring out like a gutted fish. Now i'm laying here flapping, trying to breathe with no source of air.
I'll be alright. I'm always alright. The people that see me otherwise have two things. They have my love, otherwise they'd never see me like that. And they have my forgiveness for subjecting them to the drama and annoyance that is me with no masks on.
I know i've said too much. I'm posting it anyway.
Things i"ve learned today:
- I learned what it feels like to come back to life, only to die again.
- Iv'e learned that I'm a good storyteller because i'm very good at living in a fantasy world. Because I despise reality.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Blog your heart out
I have stumbled across a world. I have found a place that i've been before. It is the blog world. The world where that word isn't just a mess of letters that look interesting. Where blog means freedom.
Now i see other people joining the blog list. I see people who have had online places where they wrote before and stopped. They are getting back in, remembering the theraputic and strangely vicarious feeling one gets from placing such personal thoughts in front of the entire world to see.
I needed this. I still do. Libra is right when she says she's addicted to blogging again. It's fantastic. It's also funny to me. I think about how many people have waxed poetic about waxing poetic. How many posts on how many blogs are about blogging?
---------------
It's snowing. Outside. Inside. It's snowing. I felt so faded when i woke up today. Like, somehow i was less real.
Things I learned today: (so far)
- Quarlity is Quality
- Deadlines are a curse.
Now i see other people joining the blog list. I see people who have had online places where they wrote before and stopped. They are getting back in, remembering the theraputic and strangely vicarious feeling one gets from placing such personal thoughts in front of the entire world to see.
I needed this. I still do. Libra is right when she says she's addicted to blogging again. It's fantastic. It's also funny to me. I think about how many people have waxed poetic about waxing poetic. How many posts on how many blogs are about blogging?
---------------
It's snowing. Outside. Inside. It's snowing. I felt so faded when i woke up today. Like, somehow i was less real.
Things I learned today: (so far)
- Quarlity is Quality
- Deadlines are a curse.
Parallel
I realized something just now while on the phone with Libra. I haven't told her yet. Something pulled her away from the conversation. So i'm sitting here mulling. I had to get this out now, before it loses it's coherency.
This past year has been a roller coaster. Not some chincy church-parking-lot-fair roller coaster. I'm talking six flags quality super coaster. I just realized when it started and, going back over it, i'm shivering.
Late September of 2003. I got into a car accident that totalled my Buick. I was on my way to a family function. There were sweet potatoes in the back seat. That was the beginning of the change. Now, when i look back with this perfect view, i can see it all there.
After that, things seemed to be normal, but they weren't. I bought a new car (Jeep). I made a decision to deny my feelings about some very important matters. I made a decision to get married. I got laid off from my job. I couldn't afford my car anymore. (I still can't). I got a job at a place where I began to meet new people. I proposed, she said yes. I watched my money disappear over and over again. (I still do). I met Libra. I had realizations about my denials. I made a decision without realizing i had. It took me months to finally get it out. The world has slowly and painfully turned itself on it's head for an entire year.
I wish i still had my Buick.
This past year has been a roller coaster. Not some chincy church-parking-lot-fair roller coaster. I'm talking six flags quality super coaster. I just realized when it started and, going back over it, i'm shivering.
Late September of 2003. I got into a car accident that totalled my Buick. I was on my way to a family function. There were sweet potatoes in the back seat. That was the beginning of the change. Now, when i look back with this perfect view, i can see it all there.
After that, things seemed to be normal, but they weren't. I bought a new car (Jeep). I made a decision to deny my feelings about some very important matters. I made a decision to get married. I got laid off from my job. I couldn't afford my car anymore. (I still can't). I got a job at a place where I began to meet new people. I proposed, she said yes. I watched my money disappear over and over again. (I still do). I met Libra. I had realizations about my denials. I made a decision without realizing i had. It took me months to finally get it out. The world has slowly and painfully turned itself on it's head for an entire year.
I wish i still had my Buick.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Avoidance
Yes. I've been avoiding you. Yes. I've been wondering if this would be a good outlet, or if I could even write something that would give insight into my current existance without making you call a shrink for me. But at the urging of Queb, i decided i'd write, if only a short entry.
The holidays and the subsequent new year were a blur of food and family and an overall sense of dread. Dread in the form of anticipation. I knew the new year was going to be difficult. I didn't want to deal. 84 west was a constant temptation as I drove to work every day during the past few weeks. I didn't give in. I'm still here. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm trying not to focus on any one thing for very long.
I don't believe in Moulin Rouge any more. I loved that movie for how shamelessly it described the feelings that I have experienced. Those feelings that Chopra and Shakespeare and Tennyson wrote about. I want to believe them. I want to think that they were right. It isn't about what I want though. It's about what I have to do. I have to remember that reality is harsh and cruel and doesn't believe in love. Not like I did. I'm not sure of the exact time of death concerning my romanticism. I haven't tried to analyze it. That movie evokes feelings in me now that are not safe.
Today, regardless of the past few days and weeks and months, has been good. The sun showed his face today. I greeted him with a half-smile, squinting up at him in the early morning light and promptly flipped him off. "You're too late." was all I could manage. Coffee in hand, i went into work, smiling and hiding. I want to run away. I want someone to save me from my own demons, my own skeletons.
When all is said and done, I'll probably have to save myself.
Things i learned today: (these few weeks)
- They were wrong.
- I was wrong.
- I am my own worst enemy.
The holidays and the subsequent new year were a blur of food and family and an overall sense of dread. Dread in the form of anticipation. I knew the new year was going to be difficult. I didn't want to deal. 84 west was a constant temptation as I drove to work every day during the past few weeks. I didn't give in. I'm still here. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm trying not to focus on any one thing for very long.
I don't believe in Moulin Rouge any more. I loved that movie for how shamelessly it described the feelings that I have experienced. Those feelings that Chopra and Shakespeare and Tennyson wrote about. I want to believe them. I want to think that they were right. It isn't about what I want though. It's about what I have to do. I have to remember that reality is harsh and cruel and doesn't believe in love. Not like I did. I'm not sure of the exact time of death concerning my romanticism. I haven't tried to analyze it. That movie evokes feelings in me now that are not safe.
Today, regardless of the past few days and weeks and months, has been good. The sun showed his face today. I greeted him with a half-smile, squinting up at him in the early morning light and promptly flipped him off. "You're too late." was all I could manage. Coffee in hand, i went into work, smiling and hiding. I want to run away. I want someone to save me from my own demons, my own skeletons.
When all is said and done, I'll probably have to save myself.
Things i learned today: (these few weeks)
- They were wrong.
- I was wrong.
- I am my own worst enemy.
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