Avoidance

Yes. I've been avoiding you. Yes. I've been wondering if this would be a good outlet, or if I could even write something that would give insight into my current existance without making you call a shrink for me. But at the urging of Queb, i decided i'd write, if only a short entry.

The holidays and the subsequent new year were a blur of food and family and an overall sense of dread. Dread in the form of anticipation. I knew the new year was going to be difficult. I didn't want to deal. 84 west was a constant temptation as I drove to work every day during the past few weeks. I didn't give in. I'm still here. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm trying not to focus on any one thing for very long.

I don't believe in Moulin Rouge any more. I loved that movie for how shamelessly it described the feelings that I have experienced. Those feelings that Chopra and Shakespeare and Tennyson wrote about. I want to believe them. I want to think that they were right. It isn't about what I want though. It's about what I have to do. I have to remember that reality is harsh and cruel and doesn't believe in love. Not like I did. I'm not sure of the exact time of death concerning my romanticism. I haven't tried to analyze it. That movie evokes feelings in me now that are not safe.

Today, regardless of the past few days and weeks and months, has been good. The sun showed his face today. I greeted him with a half-smile, squinting up at him in the early morning light and promptly flipped him off. "You're too late." was all I could manage. Coffee in hand, i went into work, smiling and hiding. I want to run away. I want someone to save me from my own demons, my own skeletons.

When all is said and done, I'll probably have to save myself.

Things i learned today: (these few weeks)
- They were wrong.
- I was wrong.
- I am my own worst enemy.