Leave it to me

Actually, that might not be the best idea. I can't seem to get my own life in one piece, i'm pretty certain i could mess yours up. This might be a bit self-destructive tonight. I apologize in advance.

This is today. Today is the culmination of a few days of preparation and nerves. Today i played "out" for the first time since college. I also played "out" for the first time where i both played my guitar and sang, at the same time. GrenadeBoy and I spent the past few days practicing and developing our set list. We played everything from Bush to Bob Dylan. It was a lot of fun in the end (some stress before hand, as usual.) We get to do it next week too, and the week after that...etc...

I found myself being petty. I found myself doing things i said I wouldn't. I'm angry at myself. Hell, i'm fucking furious. I have no excuse. I have reasons, maybe, but no excuse. At some point apologies become hollow. At some point I can't be who i need to be. At some point I fall apart. This is me now. Broken.

Reminders of situations abound. It was therapeutic today, to play. To do some original songs that only i knew the true and complete meanings to. Sometimes, though, the music smacks me in the face. Sometimes they're painful.

Cuz i'm broken
When i'm open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough

Cuz i'm broken
When i'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When you're gone away.

Whack. Right to the temple. And so i got angry. Angry because of my reaction. Angry because it affected me. It affected me a thousand times more than it should have. It's me. Why I reacted, I don't know. So many things are in there. So many buried, bruised.

You've gone away
You don't feel me
Anymore

Every single word. And I hated myself for every moment. For every reaction and thought and remorseful emotion that coursed through me. They don't belong. It's not like i only got hit from one side. It seems like those words are coming from all directions in my life.

What I am is drained. Thoroughly. I'm done with all of these situations in my head. I hate them all. It's not about any of the other people involved in them. It's about me. My reactions to the world, to the situations and scenarios that I created my self. Someone asks "how are you?" I say "fine." I lie through my teeth. I lie and lie and lie about how things are. I should just deal with this shit. Jesus, i sound almost a candidate for some good drugs. I deal with my day to day life just fine. I'll start worrying that this will never end when I can't even function. At this moment I can't function, but I know i'll get up in the morning and function and do all the things I have to do. Work, responsibilities, etc...

This has turned into ramble too much fest. I'm even being angry at myself for writing this. For considering posting it for all the world (or at least the few people that do read) to witness. It's a symbol of my weakness, it looks like a cry for help.

It's not. It's a release I need. It's somewhere that's private, but not. It's a place to bear my soul and offer it up to the world for inspection. Let them catch the flaws now. It'll be better for all of us later.

On the bright side. I didn't have to work yesterday or today so i took the time to sink into a morbid hole. I can't believe i'm like this right now after the few days i've had. They've been really wonderful in so many ways. There were some hard things, life things. But the overall hindsight of the weekend, when not including my current state, is one of good times. But when it hit, it hit. I found all the pent up stuff. It came pouring out like a gutted fish. Now i'm laying here flapping, trying to breathe with no source of air.

I'll be alright. I'm always alright. The people that see me otherwise have two things. They have my love, otherwise they'd never see me like that. And they have my forgiveness for subjecting them to the drama and annoyance that is me with no masks on.

I know i've said too much. I'm posting it anyway.

Things i"ve learned today:
- I learned what it feels like to come back to life, only to die again.
- Iv'e learned that I'm a good storyteller because i'm very good at living in a fantasy world. Because I despise reality.